Wife is the higher earner

[Notsureanymorepri]

Husband has a decent salary (£70k gross), in the last 2 years my income has grown to 500-600k (mainly due to variable compensation) from around 110-130k. we have always split all expenses 50-50 and kept our finances separated. we have a relatively frugal lifestyle. No debt, mortgage paid off. The cost of nursery where we live in London is £2.4K/month for our only child and due to brexit he may have lost 10 years of pension contributions abroad so is in catch up mode and I agree this is a priority. he now feels under financial pressure at the prospect of booking holidays and did not sleep for days when we found out that the results of the state school we were aiming for have plummeted and we MAY need to consider private as an option in 2 years…i have spoken about me paying for the holidays or me contributing more to the joint account but he doesn’t seem keen. What options could I suggest to make it seem fair that we adjust our lifestyle a little bit if reasonably affordable at household income level without making him feel bad about himself (I am proud of his career and he does have an important job) please?

I’d love to know where you live cos it sounds even more insane than where DP are in South London.

@Kisskiss I agree! So many threads recently where the wife posts saying her husband earns ten times what she does, and therefore she lives on Pot Noodles while he eat filet mignon... This is a refreshing change. We need more high earning women ( I am not myself, so applaud those who do).

And maybe moss treatment would be something to consider in the future.

All this money OP, why not just get a life coach or something and ask them?

It’s a wonder you’re making so much money, you don’t seem very switched on

Elmbridge

Even with all the maintenance in the world, courts need resurfacing from time to time. We've been here a long time. It's been around 10 years since we last surfaced it.

You need to pay more , just tell him
dont ask.

imagine if this was a wife on 70k husband 600k and husband split everything 50:50 including paying school fees?!

Just say, OK let's split costs. Split items 50:50 but you take bigger ones eg - I'll do school fees and mortgage, you do council tax road tax

Madness you're paying 50:50 with him when salary almost 10x his (70k vs 600k!!)

@squigglygiggly Or had anything done at all. But each to their own and I hope you don’t get too screwed over on price.

It's not really used and can unused court deteriorates faster for some reason.

My money, his money bla bla! Why can't you both pay into a joint account and draw x amount to personal accounts every month, ensuring there is enough left to cover school fees, bills, "house savings" and other outgoings?
It's not so complicated you know and it says a lot that your DP feels the way he does and you feel the need to come to MN for advice.

Money goes in one pot, bills are paid out, you each get the same amount of spending money and the rest goes into savings/holiday fund/tuition fees.

My friends paid all seven years of the school fees up front at today's rate. Especially with the threat of VAT on the horizon.

@Notsureanymorepri my advice pay the school fees in advance.

I wouldn't pay in advance until you are sure your child is very happy there. Even then only pay 12 months in advance at a time, max. Things can change. And 7 years of fees could be working for you in an investment rather than sitting in the schools own investment gaining interest.

If a child is withdrawn then the school refunds the remaining portion minus the term notice

In my experience different private schools have different policies.

Outgoings should be paid as a percentage of earnings when you are a family, irrespective of whether the higher earner is male or female. Gender shouldn’t even come into it, it’s 2024!

You find me one private school who would not refund future years fees. Its not a thing

Of course future years, I am referring to the current school year but I am also in the USA.

A better idea would be put the amount of future schooling into some kind of interest baring account that is low risk so it keeps pace with inflation, rather than hand it to the school.

The fact that you set your family up as financially separate means you were always going to have issues if your incomes diverged.

Unless you are willing to mingle your lives financially he has a point. He needs to plan his lifestyle and retirement solely on the income he has - he has suffered some financial losses (his pension) and needs to recoup them, he’s worried about private school fees cause it is hard to go back etc. He can’t rely on you - and if he starts a fancier lifestyle what happens when that disappears? He’ll be on the hook for maintaining that for his daughter and is understandably concerned.

You are wealthy - he is not. It is entirely sensible for him to live within his means and the money he has a say over. It wouldn’t be wrong for him to accept gifts from you - but I can understand someone not wanting to live on handouts. You don’t seem to be proposing that you pool your money and have equal say over it as a couple, but rather that when you want something you get it.

Your husband lost what reads like less about 5% of your annual income from his retirement plan. This is causing him a lot of stress. It appears to me that his understanding of the situation is that he is completely alone financially. It does not sound like he has any expectation that you would use your wealth to ensure he was ok in retirement. That could be because he’s being ridiculously sexist. Or it could be because that’s his understanding of the financial agreements you’ve made. That your both living financially separate lives was really important - even if that left one person (him) behind. And he’s not going to go back on that because he meant it when he agreed to it.

Your DH needs to realise that the current set up isn't fair, and he is unnecessarily stressing himself. The contributions should be a percentage, not a 50/50 split, so that you're both providing depending on your income.

“Your DH is far too attached to gender roles and not attached enough to your partnership. “
Is it gender roles, or is it keeping his word? Or fear about the future?

I only know a couple couples who did the whole finances separate thing (I mean I probably know more but not been aware of their finances). It never went well. It broke one marriage - the wife was wealthy the husband was not. I don’t think he was attached to gender roles at all, rather this was what he had agreed to - separate finances and equal spilt - and so even when he had a chance at divorce to fight that he did not. He left the marriage with practically nothing, because while she could save during the marriage his 50% of their lifestyle was most of what he earnt. When they got together their incomes were a lot closer … 50:50 and separate finances want a big deal.

OP doesn’t seem to be proposing that they split life costs along income lines - just luxuries for her benefit. I’d be wary myself.

The other marriage continues … but while the kids were young I know being beholden to the husband for spending money caused resentment and wasn’t good for the wife.

@Justia Thank you, our thinking was that he would be mismatched because we have a frugal lifestyle and would feel the pressure to upgrade everything. Plus and more importantly we hate the idea of raising him only with privileged kids, when he could have an equally solid education in state schools. Until results changed and the education part did not seem as equal…your point is very valid and will consider it for sure

@Anahenzaris fair points and I agree with most of it. Things have changed over time, we always valued financial independence and it’s a big shift in mindset but one that is now more relevant than before we had our child.

Thank you, very practical and easy to agree upon method