Wife is the higher earner

[Notsureanymorepri]

Husband has a decent salary (£70k gross), in the last 2 years my income has grown to 500-600k (mainly due to variable compensation) from around 110-130k. we have always split all expenses 50-50 and kept our finances separated. we have a relatively frugal lifestyle. No debt, mortgage paid off. The cost of nursery where we live in London is £2.4K/month for our only child and due to brexit he may have lost 10 years of pension contributions abroad so is in catch up mode and I agree this is a priority. he now feels under financial pressure at the prospect of booking holidays and did not sleep for days when we found out that the results of the state school we were aiming for have plummeted and we MAY need to consider private as an option in 2 years…i have spoken about me paying for the holidays or me contributing more to the joint account but he doesn’t seem keen. What options could I suggest to make it seem fair that we adjust our lifestyle a little bit if reasonably affordable at household income level without making him feel bad about himself (I am proud of his career and he does have an important job) please?

Thank you! Sounds like an workable concept, I appreciate you sharing!

He was thinking that private school opens up to bigger financial pressures “to fit in” than just fees and honestly I don’t think he’s naive about it. We live in London and at our nursery we are among the poorest, compared to the dual income bankers with millionaire bonuses…

There are certain private schools which are very down to earth, non-snooty and not as expensive as others. City of London, for instance.

given that I buy my clothes second hand on Vinted and I don’t have a car…probably treating myself to a Gail croissant instead of the usual gregg’s the way back from nursery drop off? He knows I invest them or set aside for pension

Do you have any current benefit from earning all that money?

I think that is naive OP. In London there is a wide variety of different background, incomes, cultures in private schools. You’ve got the crazy rich and the kids on substantial bursaries and everything in between. Depending on the inner London borough (bar a couple) 20-50% of kids may be in private school.

His attitude to his earnings and to school seems to be based in the last century.

@KvotheTheBloodless it is really the best way. My DH to look at you would think typical alpha male, but he really isn't. We are partners, which is what a relationship should be. We do still hark back to when we first got together & were seriously hard up, so the minute we have an emergency that needs money spent on. We both have an initial panic of Oh God!!!! Then realise we can afford it. It works for us, I never understand totally seperate finances, when you have been together a while & or married with kids.

I agree with @Mirabai. Private schools are not what they used to be, full of posh aristocrats. They are very diverse nowadays. Many hard working professionals whose DC are qually hardworking and frugal. Lots of bursary kids too.

Although to be fair - I do understand him being cautious about your increase in earnings and its longevity. I would bank as much as I can now in case it doesn’t last. Then you’ve the option of pension or private school fund if it does.

If DH is still antsy about private school in the future you always have the option of trying to get into one of the rare grammars. But obviously you may need to move so it may end up costing a set of school fees anyway,

Xpost. Exactly - and London itself is such a wide mix of incomes. Kids don’t just stick to their school anyway - generally friendship groups are a mix of private and state.

Gail's?! Good grief woman. Your annual income needs to hit a million first!

(I'd love to become Gail's woman... I've mastered shopping in Waitrose for the occasional treat, and John Lewis. But I can't bring myself to pay Gail's prices, even though, theoretically I could afford to occasionally!)

Anyway, given how much Mumsnetters hate cocklodgers and men who sponge off their wives and girlfriends, I'm finding it odd that this guy is being called all kinds of insults for having enough pride to want to pay his way. He's mistaken, of course, in this specific scenario, but he really doesn't deserve the names he's been called.

Quite and the rise in OP’s salary is both sudden and stratospheric- probably quite difficult to get your head around the marked imbalance in incomes and perceived (rightly or wrongly) imbalance in family dynamics.
I think it is reasonable to ask general advice on an anonymous forum, especially as it is not really acceptable to talk about money IRL. It also sounds like OP’s background is relatively humble so this maybe very much new territory for her.

I agree @saraclara he brings home 50k annually after tax, which gives £4,166 per month.

I have no idea why this wouldn’t be enough, considering there is no mortgage.

Even with paying private school, which at 15.5k per year, his half would be £650pm… about the same or less than full time nursery costs. Even a school 35k pa is £1500 a month, so not the end of the world on that income for one child.

The pension issue must have really hit him hard, left him feeling emasculated and coming at the same time his wife’s income jumped so enormously he must be feeling awful.

What are the outgoings that are making him feel he’s struggling? Is there debt or what is going on to make him feel so bad?

P.s @Notsureanymorepri - I tried Gail’s once, I don’t rate it at all. They overprice their goods to make it seem you buying something next level.

Yeah but the money stays with you in the value of the house.

This.

where are you going- the moon?

What I can't understand is why people earning biblical amounts of money such as this have to come on MN to fathom out the simple matter of paying for bills. Really? I would have thought you'd have developed the critical skills needed to suss it out, if you're in high powered important jobs commanding telephone numbers.

You can earn silly amounts and still need advice. In fact it's even more complicated if you're not used to money

Duh because people are people. There is no magic thing that happens when people earn more than you that makes them not struggle with typical human emotions. The DH for what ever reason feels uncomfortable about the OP earning more. Nothing about their income negates this

You seem to think people with more money that you are somehow intrinsically different from you. If you cut us we still bleed Pet.

I wonder if it would be different if one of them had won on the lottery. Would you solidify childs education in this case?

Do you eat well and cook good meals?

My mum and dad loved the frugal life and that didn't end well for either of them. My mum passed away at 65 and my dad at 75 because they were mean with themselves and later on age caught up with them as they lived the sedentary life and problems started to occur in their bodies. We are not well off but we make sure we eat well and our children are properly clothed and ourselves. We shop in Primark for our cheap.clothes.

thank you, yes, we have always invested and maximised our pension allowances but maybe now it’s time for a more professional look: what kind of professional figures could help us figure out investments tools for our child future please?

Thank you for making a point about the reality of net income!

I agree, it’s important to make it normal and visible. Personally, I find all the derogatory comments about my husband really sad because quite frankly I would have not be able to achieve this without his support behind the scenes, without him being “modern” about having a wife that earns more in front of so much stigma, so many circumstances or people trying to make him feel small for it