Wife is the higher earner

[Notsureanymorepri]

Husband has a decent salary (£70k gross), in the last 2 years my income has grown to 500-600k (mainly due to variable compensation) from around 110-130k. we have always split all expenses 50-50 and kept our finances separated. we have a relatively frugal lifestyle. No debt, mortgage paid off. The cost of nursery where we live in London is £2.4K/month for our only child and due to brexit he may have lost 10 years of pension contributions abroad so is in catch up mode and I agree this is a priority. he now feels under financial pressure at the prospect of booking holidays and did not sleep for days when we found out that the results of the state school we were aiming for have plummeted and we MAY need to consider private as an option in 2 years…i have spoken about me paying for the holidays or me contributing more to the joint account but he doesn’t seem keen. What options could I suggest to make it seem fair that we adjust our lifestyle a little bit if reasonably affordable at household income level without making him feel bad about himself (I am proud of his career and he does have an important job) please?

This is not a problem when combined you have £600K-£700K income.

Sorry but you need to talk to each other.

When I say joint account, I mean one single account where we both share our money. 100% family money.

No way would I want mismatched wealth.

We're a team!

This is madness, the disparity between the two wages is substantial. If you split expenses the way you are currently, your husband will always feel stretched where as you will be living well below your means accumulating money.

You need to think about ultimately how you want to use your money, are you planning to work in your current role for a few years and done, or to pay for the house or to splurge on dresses. Whatever it is if its to elevate lifestyle the only way will be to share.

‘Did you actually read the post?!?! “If you had half a brain” and actually read what the op wrote you’d notice that your comment is completely uncalled for!

Your house and school fees cost you £400K per year?

Are you the Princess of Wales?

I don't think you are thick.

But you are not smart. If you were you would not be wasting time posting on here about societal injustices in the way that you are. You would be doing something positive to tangibly change your world and that of others.

my DH and I have a similar 50/50 set up

i PMed you…

We've always had a joint account and I earn more than my husband. I ame a sole director company so tend to pay myself a fixed monthly sum but put more in to pay for holidays, big expenses etc. Probably about 10% of the OP's income but similar principles. I'd suggest a joint account where you both put in the same (so £140K goes in, minus tax etc) and then you put a chunk in a separate account to pay for holidays, school fees and so on.

Oh you so would. I'm crap at tennis. Hence the shocking state of the court

*I don't think you are thick.

But you are not smart. If you were you would not be wasting time posting on here about societal injustices in the way that you are. You would be doing something positive to tangibly change your world and that of others.*

Well this is interesting. If you knew what my job was then you'd know that this is exactly what I am doing every day thank you

In addition to putting all your money in one pot, I would work out how much you think you will need for school fees until your child is 18, and how much for university, and save that, separately from everything else. Then it's done, out of the way and no need to think about it.

As you have some concerns about the reliability and consistency of that earning, I'd be putting a big chunk of that aside to pay for long-term school fees. Assuming you have already earnt this for a year or two, I assume you have some cash lying around. I'd suggest that you and your DH agree that this "extra" non-guaranteed money be ring fenced into a joint account to pay for larger family expenses, starting first with school fees and then, if that amount continues to grow if you continue to earn at this level, it could be used for other things.

I'd also tell him to stop being such a ridiculous man child. Even after tax, there's no reason why at this level you can't put a MINIMUM of £50k a year, probably more like £100-150k into this joint pot for long-term family benefit such as school fees, university fees, setting your child up etc. Meanwhile, you can live comfortably by sharing day to day expenses on your "normal" salaries, particularly as you are mortgage free.

@TinPotAlley as I explained. This includes a full time gardener and housekeeper. It's better value to employ two full time staff than it would be to employ a team to come in. The house is way too big for me to clean unless I dedicated hours of the day and frankly I don't want to.

General maintenance and everything bills take it to around £250k a year. About £100k of that is wages

Then it was £150k in school fees. That was when they were all at school. Only one now so it's costing us a bit less and we are earning a bit less as working every hour is not actually all that much fun. We are older. We will move when the time is right and our costs will fall significantly. My point was just to explain to a pp how it was even possible to spend £000s a year.

It's all the normal stuff but just bigger or nicer. No one would choose to go on holiday somewhere worse than home. So our holidays cost more. We don't fly private jet. We don't own islands. We just live like other middle class and working class people who aren't on the breadline. Everything is just a bit more but it's not like our walls are coated in gold and encrusted in diamonds.

Oh, and while I earn NOTHING like what you do, I have earned all the money in the past and currently earn about 4x what DH does. We have a joint account. All money goes in there. He has a tendency to want me to spend more of any discretionary spending on myself, but that is more about his personality than who earns the cash - long before we got married he chose to spend his last £150 on a pair of boots for me, leaving himself completely skint for the rest of the month. That's just who he is and I am 100% confident that if he was the one earning a lot, he would STILL want me to have more discretionary spending!

I agree! My DH is the same!

My hair, nails, waxing etc all come first! He spends so little, but he is totally happy.

Off topic but what do you sell? I'm in high level technical sales and earn a lot less than that, I'm contemplating a career change!

Very similar position here. I’d always earned about the same as DH, me working 4 days a week, so we split 50:50. Three years ago I went full time and also shifted roles to a sales job and have crushed it every year. So I have earned 3-5x my DH’s salary. He hates it. We have always had a joint account and our own separate savings. He insisted on paying in the same as me. In fact, he wouldn’t discuss it, and started refusing to do anything that he couldn’t afford 50% of. I pointed out I knew a couple who had split for that exact reason, the higher earning wife couldn’t do the holidays etc she wanted to, because the husband always refused (as a form of control, I guess). He still won’t really talk about it, but it is now understood that I cover all holidays and as we still have a mortgage I have been overpaying that, which benefits us both. When that is paid off, it will go to our pensions. But like you, much of the megabucks comes from bonus, so is very uncertain. I’m the only person in the sales team to have made or exceeded my bonus every year, and while I know I’m
a top performer, market conditions could mean that income is much lower. So I view it very much as making hay while the sun shines and trying to ensure our financial position for the future. And I refuse to let his jealousy/resentment of my earning power stop me living life to the max. We are having some great holidays! Which he has enjoyed too. 😀

Such an incredible salary, especially on top of being mortgage free! Your DH should be sleeping like a baby and not worrying about finances.

DH and I have a similar situation in that I significantly out earn him (FT) with a PT salary but we’re nowhere near in your league salary-wise. All of our money is considered joint (always has been) so no splitting of any bills and we make major financial decisions together, though I am much more financially savvy and in reality have the final say.

If your salary is commission-based and uncertain, you should be throwing huge amounts into savings/investments and pension to safeguard your futures. TBH, in your shoes I would prioritise your DC’s education and great holidays over your DH’s ego.

Lots of red flags here. Time to review your relationship and consider leaving this loser. You deserve so much better than this.

I would plead with him to agree to a shared pot. Work out what you need to fund your lifestyle, max out your pension contributions, each have enough for personal spends, and save/invest the rest for financial security given the long term uncertainty of role. I earn more than DH (though not by that kind of sum sadly 😀), and we have one pot and equal spends.

??

@squigglygiggly Your pool house must need one hell of a reconstruction as my parents have a tennis court and it’s never cost that much to maintain and it’s been used professionally in its time. Tho don’t you get it moss treated twice a year? Would save you a lot of hassle - and money in the long run… that’s what they do.

The court needs a complete resurface. £15k. The pool house interior needs filling, repainting. If will require scaffolding to span the pool and the glass roof needs some attention. It's been about 20 years so it really is due an overhaul. The boiler was replace recently at £6k. The cover was replaced recently at £3k. Trades people around here charge a lot more than the irises I see quoted on here for things. Everything is just magnified.

Probably the best part about this thread is seeing there are actually quite a number of posters who earn more than their husbands. A lot of other threads on mumsnet harp on how much men should be subsidising their wives.. arguments about the value of house work, raising children, mental load, people talking about how much their Dh’s ( not themselves) earn… slightly depressing to think that women don’t aspire to or somehow think we can’t be financially equal to men

Logically thinking about this OP, the average cost of a private school education is £15,500 a year. So £217,000.

In one year alone you have earned £250,000 extra in hand after tax.

It would be ludicrous to put your child into a state school where they would be so grossly mismatched in terms of background and opportunity to their peers. Madness.

If it were me I would insist on paying for the private school myself. It may cost you next to nothing in the end - if you put one years extra income into an account paying 5.25% interest you will make 10.5k back in a year. If you invest in something else the returns will be higher.

Don’t be silly. Give your child the best. Pay for a reasonable holiday this year and tell your husband to stop worrying just because he doesn’t have the biggest metaphorical penis anymore.

And go you! 👏