to think my friend is wrong and I would get more time if I wasn’t a single parent?

[Lasfhwinehour]

I don’t know if my friend was trying to make me feel better or something but her comment has really bothered me. I am a single parent to dd, 19 months. I’ve been on my own with her since she was 3 months. I was v fortunate that I had quite a bit of money during maternity leave and could still socialise a lot. Now she is older and I am working, life feels hectic. I feel jealous of people in relationships and think they must have huge amounts of time as the care of their child is divided. My friend is adamant that I have more spare time than her as I can watch what I want in the evenings when dd sleeps, I have my lunch hours to do hair or nails etc and can take a day of annual leave now and then if I want a full day to myself. In comparison she is a stay at home parent and feels like she is constantly caring for dc and when her husband is home, even though he helps with things she is still involved. It’s not a competition I know but I feel so envious of what it must be like to have the father of you child around. It doesn’t feel fair. I know self pity is a horrible trait and I will snap out of it soon but I feel really low right now and not even understood by my closest friend.

You two have completely different lifestyles so there's no point comparing. She may well have less childfree time than you. If her DH comes home late in the evening there's only so much she can do, most places shut at 6 pm and its hard to find the motivation after a day with the kids.

You've answered the question if there was one with this line:

It’s not a competition I know but I feel so envious of what it must be like to have the father of you child around.

Everyone has different set ups some of which don't even work for the person in question. The issue is that you and your friend need to stop playing top trumps. Arguably families with both parents present have more money in the sense that there are two people contributing to the 'home', but that doesn't mean much to a woman on the receiving end of financial abuse from her husband who meticulously checks each and every receipt to account for the 'allowance' her gave her.

What is true is that parents (married or single) don't usually have loads of free time, I'm sure if you knew her personally Kate Middleton would tell you she doesn't get a moment to breathe.

I think it is swings and roundabouts. You may have more time alone than your friend does, but she has more back up and social time at home.

It also depends how much time your DD sounds with her other parent.

I'm SAHM, with one home schooling, so have no time on my own whatsoever, my friend who has split from his wife has EOW and an evening a week to himself. However, he works and we both have all the housework etc to do.

I get time with my DH at home, but rarely go out.

It's not so much how much time you have, as what you can do with it. Make the most of it generally I think!

It's apples and oranges.

She gets not a second to herself with children all day every day, so a lunch hour away from children sounds like a luxury.

You have no one to share the load with in the evenings and weekends and the support of another person.

Both ways of life have their challenges. It's hard to see the disadvantages from the outside.

You're both envying different parts of each other's lifes. You're right when you say it isn't a competition. If your friend implied it's easy to be a single parent then that is quite insensitive.

It just sounds like she doesn't like her husband at all.
Her life, if she had a decent relationship, should allow her more free time. Why can't she get her nails done etc when her husband is home?

My order of best is..

1. Decent lovely relationship
2. Single
3. Shit relationship

Sounds like you're 2 and she's 3.

It's hard to know. She's obviously thinking that it must be bliss to have some time to yourself in the evenings without more relationships to nurture.

I’m just fed up of feeling like the load is on me

I think you both should just stop comparing. With my DH around it just felt busy on us both, both juggling full time jobs and young kids. One didn't sit there with their feet up while the other worked their arse off, both always seemed busy without a spare minute and by the time we sat down we fell asleep. Everyone's situation is different, I suppose her saying you can book a day off where she can't as she's a sahp, but that's not your fault that she doesn't have childcare arranged. It's not easy for anyone, so prob best not to compare.

I think it’s just best not to compare. Im an actual lone parent as in no other parent involved at all including financially he may as well be dead and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t envious of other single mums with involved exes who get frequent weekends to themselves but just have to try not to compare!

Single parent here too. It's relentless as there is just no one else. I can't just nip to the shop without taking DD with me and it's usually such an exhausting experience as she usually doesn't want to go. I'm usually in bed not long after her as I'm knackered of making sure everything is sorted - snacks, school stuff - we have a cat and a dog too who then usually start badgering me when my DD is finally in bed.
Yes, I do get time to myself when she is at her dad's EOW, but still - it's not like its all parties and nights out and not caring - it's catching up on all the washing and ensuring everything is ready to go again on Monday - I also have to go pick her up from her dad's on the Sunday as well, so I'm always clock watching.
Like now - he or his mother is due to pick her up from school and I can't really do anything as I'm worrying I'll get a phone call saying no one has picked her up (it's happened before).

I've done both, on my own the first time and with dp the second time

I definitely get more of a break with dp taking over occasionally but...

I've got more to do with dp around, more cleaning, cooking, laundry etc

Also, after reading so many threads on mumsnet about how husbands and partners do absolutely nothing with their own children, i'd imagine a lot of women don't really get much of a break so would be in a similar situation as you

@AmazingDayz thanks, I am in a similar position but not identical, ex sees our dc once a month for half a day. He is dire! Sorry you have so much on your plate, it is really hard isn’t it

@PurpleNebula84 i totally get the not being able to nip out situation. It’s horrible isn’t it. I also go to bed soon after dc as I am just exhausted with getting through the day. It’s hard. I wonder when or if it will ever get easier.

You can get used to it Lasf. Keep some milk and bread in the freezer and a small stash of goodies so once DC is down for the night you’re not stuck.

Agree that it’s apples and oranges. Your both struggling but with different things. It’s not a competition try to support each other.

Tell your friend to buy a TV for herself, a nice big smart Tv, so she can watch what she wants on a night.

What your friend is saying is that you get a chance to spend time doing stuff purely for yourself without one ear out for the baby all the time, whereas she is constantly on duty even when her husband is home.

It's different from watching the clock and the stress of finishing up your paid work and jumping straight into mum work, even though that is stressful.

It's stressful to have to respond to every single little squawk, being interrupted constantly, never getting the chance to finish a thought, sometimes not even getting the chance to pick your nose (!) or go to the loo in peace, and then you're maybe dealing with a man who swans in and complains about something you cooked, or needs your help finding something that's always in the same spot, or he wants to watch his sports or whatever on the TV and thinks you've spent the day painting your toenails and nibbling bon bons when actually it was an exhausting round of picking up the trail of destruction left behind by your toddler everywhere she went while still getting laundry and hoovering done and lunch and dinner prepared and cleared away. It's monotonous, lonely drudgery for weeks on end.

There's no getting away from the stress when you have a baby whether you are at work or a sahm.

It doesn’t feel fair As others have said, you're envious of different aspects of one another's lives. I think it best if you just try to not dwell on the negatives of your respective situations to one another and accept that there are upsides and downsides to every situation. For some people, having to deal with a relationship (that might be very demanding/unsupportive) and a child can feel worse than the clarity of being on your own w your primary relationship w a child.
I hope you feel better soon and you get back on an even keel w your friend - it's good to have a wee moan now and then but competitive complaining is a bit unsustainable! Do you have any friends that are also single parents? It might be helpful if you did, as you might have similar experiences to chat about/sympathise with.

I've been a single parent (100% alone) and a partnered parent and both have their time assets/liabilities!

I did have more 'headspace' in the evenings as a lone parent after DC were asleep, and I did have much more freedom in decision-making. Chocolate cake for breakfast stands out as a memorable occasion, as does spontaneously taking a different exit one Friday afternoon and going to the middle of nowhere to see a meteor shower and stay in a tiny inn.

Now I get less daily thinking time (I'm an introvert and miss that desperately) but much more planned free time in total confidence that my kids are with a capable and loving parent (love this part).

Decisions now need to be made by two adults which slows things down but can also speed some things up when I fret/overthink and have another loving parent there to help keep perspective.

You're both right.

yabu. i’m a married sahm and i get zero me time. even when the kids are in bed if i want to go off and do something for myself i feel guilt tripped for not spending the little childfree time dh and i have together. it’s not a competition but having a partner doesn’t mean you get loads of help. i think it looks so much calmer being a single mum sometimes, don’t have to worry about anyone other than yourself and your kid.

I am not a fan of comparison but her comparison does seem weird - if anything, she's comparing her life of a life of any working mother. You don't get a lunch break because you're a single mother, you get one because you work and, I assume, have childcare in place for while you're at work, including over lunch?

It actually sounds to me like she's struggling. And I wonder if she's in that classic trap of being a SAHM who's DH thinks that means he doesn't ever have to do the chores or childcare or whatever as that's her job with no consideration that no one should be working 24/7 and/or with no ability to sit down of an evening without either having to entertain him or deal with other child-related/home-related issues.

If it was me, I think I'd be gently raising it with her. eg, "I was a bit worried about what you said comparing our lifestyles the other day - just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you shouldn't be getting some time out. Frankly, I find parenting completely relentless and miss having a partner to share the load with or spend time with or support me so I'm sure you can see why that's hard for me, but it's obvious things are really hard for you too."

That's not because you're a married SAHM. it's because you apparently have a a wanker of a partner who doesn't seem to understand that you have the right to time to yourself.

Your friend. is wrong imo.
Mum's like me, your friend and @carrotsnparsnips have no idea of the extra stress you have.
I have never been a single parent but of course its got to be harder when every decision, every crisis is yours alone.

People on here saying don't compare. It's your friend that shouldn't compare, she's very fortunate.

I've had both sides, single parent for 5 years now remarried with more children with my DH.
I had more time when I was single because my ex had the kids 3 days a week, I could watch what I wanted in the evenings, cook what I wanted, had a sneaky takeaway as I please, life was less hectic. But very lonely at times.
Now life is manic even though my older lot are teenagers, very independent with busy social lives - we live central so I'm not driving them everywhere., their dad now has them 3 hours a month so I don't have my quiet evenings unless preplanned we take it in turns to watch things or game, we take it in turns to cook. My youngest is 13 weeks old tomorrow. My husband does a lot to help with baby. Our toddler and my older children but I still didn't get to shower until 11.30 last night and did a quick hoover at 1am. I wouldn't change it for the world, I love my life but I definitely have less time now.

Agree it’s not a competition, OP, but can say that when my DH was away for work (used to be at least a week a month, often two), I found parenting so much more tiring. It makes sense — in most relationships — that when there’s two of you, even if you don’t share the load 50:50, it’s easier than when everything is down to one person. Obviously there are always exceptions — but the thing is, none of us really know what it’s like to be in another person’s shoes. What would you like from your friend, OP? And would it really help if she agreed you had it harder? (Not trying to be provocative — just trying to understand.)

Really depends on what the father of the child is like. Mine did sod all. Since we split up, he has the dc one day a week. 1 day that I get entirely to myself. Farmoretime than when we were together.