to think my friend is wrong and I would get more time if I wasn’t a single parent?

[Lasfhwinehour]

I don’t know if my friend was trying to make me feel better or something but her comment has really bothered me. I am a single parent to dd, 19 months. I’ve been on my own with her since she was 3 months. I was v fortunate that I had quite a bit of money during maternity leave and could still socialise a lot. Now she is older and I am working, life feels hectic. I feel jealous of people in relationships and think they must have huge amounts of time as the care of their child is divided. My friend is adamant that I have more spare time than her as I can watch what I want in the evenings when dd sleeps, I have my lunch hours to do hair or nails etc and can take a day of annual leave now and then if I want a full day to myself. In comparison she is a stay at home parent and feels like she is constantly caring for dc and when her husband is home, even though he helps with things she is still involved. It’s not a competition I know but I feel so envious of what it must be like to have the father of you child around. It doesn’t feel fair. I know self pity is a horrible trait and I will snap out of it soon but I feel really low right now and not even understood by my closest friend.

Sorry, I really didn’t mean to insult you. Does your partner provide financially? My point is you have a partner to hopefully in some way share some of the load be it mental or financial. I didn’t assume that you could work, I was just trying to say imagine this situation with also being totally on your own and trying to cope financially. This was my reality.
To answer your question ,yes, I have 4 children, 2 with SN. Lone parent due to being widowed.

No it's not. Its insulting and incredibly naive to think it's comparable.

I recently tried to leave but simply can't afford it. I am gaining a good qualification, though, and should be in a position to leave in a year or two.

@Willyoujustbequiet excuse me? I don't see why it is in any way a competition, everyone has their own stuff going on. But buy saying that automatically single parents have it harder is insulting and extremely naive! It isn't worse or better, it is different but if you want to play that card of my life is worse go ahead, just sad for u

A single parent working full time with a coparent who has the children for regular weekly contact has the most time to themselves. A SAHP with a spouse who believes that because they are the only person working they don't need to do anything else, has the least. Most people are somewhere in between.

The difference is that she's not working, so doesn't have a lunch break or adult-time, which is very hard, but (depending on her circumstances, if she can work) this sounds like she could change the situation by working or finding part time childcare, whereas you can't easily find an adult to share evening childcare with.

Both have their own difficulties, but I think the stay at home parent is sometimes (not always) a choice (being a single parent is sometimes too, but rarely except as a last resort) and can change faster, e.g. when nursery free hours or school begin, if the children are able to go.

Unless they have walked in your shoes they can't possibly understand how difficult it is to be a lone parent (mine have additional needs too).

I had no idea when I was married even though my dh worked away a lot. I really thought I had it hard. I'm honestly embarrassed looking back how clueless I was. It's a whole other level.

I have no idea how you juggle 4 bless you.

I have never been a lone parent but I can’t imagine it isn’t anything other than much harder and that is even more so when the non resident parent isn’t very involved.

My DH worked long days but I still had another adult I could ask to watch the kids in the evening/weekend even if only long enough for me to walk the dog or pop to the shop. If the kids were sick and up in the night there was another adult to care for them so I could catch some sleep the next day.

It’s just not comparable I would imagine unless maybe 50:50 childcare but even then the times they are with you you wouldn’t have any back up.

My life is harder as a lone parent of dc with additional needs than someone who is married (abusive marriage or terminal illness aside)

I used to think like you. Then the penny dropped. Trust me you are the one who is naive.

I had more free time when I was a single parent (EOW). When we were together I did 100% of the childcare but never ever got a day off.

I'm not playing a victim. I'm stating a fact

You tried to compare yourself to a widow with 4 children with special needs when you're married and your husband works.

I'm so embarrassed for you. Literally cringing. Please don't engage further

So sorry to hear this, hope you manage to get out soon. How to cope financially is one the problems for lone/single parents, they don’t generally have a choice and just have to make it work somehow.
Co parenting situations, where access is shared and maintenance is being paid, are obviously very different as well.
Abusive relationships are also very very different.

willyoujustbequiet you are being incredibly superior and you clearly have no idea how other people live. I don't have kids so no opinion on which is "harder" but some things can't be properly compared. So people don't find being a single parent that hard and others would rather be in a shitty relationship. There isn't always an objectively worse. Especially when you don't know the full back story of any poster's lives.

I'm a single mum and I have far more time to myself, now I'm single.

I make simpler food, can keep the house cleaner and tidier, and waste much less time now ex is no longer around. But he was never a hands-on dad.

It depends on individual lifestyles and how much a partner helps.

I didn't say single parent, I said lone parent of dc with additional needs. It's a 24/7 relentless soul destroying life and can't possibly be compared with a couple who can tag team so at least someone can sleep at some point, never mind the added income.

I did say abusive relationship aside. Or of course things like terminal illness.

Not acknowledging the burden of disabilities is ableist. Its absolutely not comparable.

As others have said, your are comparing different aspects of your lives,

Friend is envious of your child-free time such as lunch hours etc, plus not having to comply with person’s needs, ie husband. She probably feels that it’s all a bit relentless and she doesn’t have any ‘me time’. We don’t know how much input, if any, her dh dies.

However, you’re envious that there are two people carrying the load, has someone else bringing in money, helping to make decesions etc. You feel you’re always on the go and always responsible.

Different situations with different pressures.

Does your ex pay CMS OP? You are a single parent and your friend isn't end of. You will have to outsource what you can it's tough really tough!

Would your ex do more? Once a month th is absolutely dire! Could you go down a court route to establish more contact?

Again, you are being superior and making assumptions. You can't just say "abusive relationships aside" because they're really flipping common and those in abusive relationships still often feel unable to talk about it. You mention terminal illness but say nothing of mental health problems.

You have no idea of the poster you were "cringing" for is in an abusive relationship, whether she is herself disabled (or her partner is) or what else might be going on. Without that information you cannot possibly say whose life is harder (if such an objective thing even exists, which I don't think it does).

@Menomeno that's my pattern too EOW. Never really thought about comparing to my friends with partners as others have said no point. Finicially though is a tough one nobody to go halves with on major things like bills and rent! Nobody to speak with on an evening...

@Willyoujustbequiet not that it is any of your business, both myself and son are disabled.

Talking about being a lone parent not about co parenting, sharing access and maintenance.
Obviously not talking about abusive relationships.
Terminal illness is a different one, I spent around 2 years in this situation and trying to care for my partner as well as look after the kids and that was different again. Sadly, three of the kids were 5 and under when he passed.

If that is indeed true I'm sure you can imagine how much harder that would be if you had to do it all alone with no support from your husband financially, emotionally or practically.

Not sure if this is directed at me but yes I know abusive relationships are sadly all too common.

I'm a rape and dv survivor.

It's harder for you. I'm a single parent too, and it's not just about the children. There's no one else to take the bins out, pick up tea bags from the shop, mow the lawn, put a washing on, fix the drippy tap. It's all down to us.
Assuming her partner isn't completely useless, it's not really a situation that's up for comparison.