to think my friend is wrong and I would get more time if I wasn’t a single parent?

[Lasfhwinehour]

I don’t know if my friend was trying to make me feel better or something but her comment has really bothered me. I am a single parent to dd, 19 months. I’ve been on my own with her since she was 3 months. I was v fortunate that I had quite a bit of money during maternity leave and could still socialise a lot. Now she is older and I am working, life feels hectic. I feel jealous of people in relationships and think they must have huge amounts of time as the care of their child is divided. My friend is adamant that I have more spare time than her as I can watch what I want in the evenings when dd sleeps, I have my lunch hours to do hair or nails etc and can take a day of annual leave now and then if I want a full day to myself. In comparison she is a stay at home parent and feels like she is constantly caring for dc and when her husband is home, even though he helps with things she is still involved. It’s not a competition I know but I feel so envious of what it must be like to have the father of you child around. It doesn’t feel fair. I know self pity is a horrible trait and I will snap out of it soon but I feel really low right now and not even understood by my closest friend.

bit weird calling a strangers husband a wanker when you don’t even know him. neither of us get time to ourself, guess i’m a wanker too.

I have more free time now that (1) my dc are older and (2) I've split from their father and they visit EOW.

The two of you have very different lives but if she's as miserable as she sounds, she could choose option 2 while you wait it out and naturally arrive at option 1.

But you do need to carve out some time for yourself somehow. It doesn't need to be huge, just an extra 10 minutes in the car, sitting in the quiet, before collecting your child from nursery might help. You're already going to bed quite early, can you wake up 10 minutes earlier and read with a coffee?

It's tough, I know, but you need to make time for yourself. It's vital.

Pandering to a partner can be just as demanding as having an extra child. When DH was away with work life was easier. When he was there I had to bear him in mind, plan around him.
When he’s away I was boss.

It an unfair comparison.
She could get a job and then get her nails done in her lunch break. She could book a day of whilst the kids are in nursery. The issue is there's O'Day's off when you're a SAHP.

It sounds like her DH isn't very helpful and she feels quite constrained in the marriage so your "you time" which is their couple time feels amazing to get mind. The fact you couldn't do anything until you got DD to sleep whereas she could go out and leave DH to do it etc seems to have missed her.

I'm a SAHP to three. I have different pressures to working parents but I do have more independence that you do because I can leave them with their Dad. A single person with 50/50 custody would arguably have more free time than me but less freedom unless their ex is very flexible. A single parent who has the kids one weekend a fortnight obviously has the most

Being a mum is hard work and the thing that makes it easier is the right type of support at the right time. Some single parents have good support and some dont. Some sahm have good support and some dont.

Sorry but that sounds like a partner problem.

How many kids do you have? What time is the last one down for sleep? If he doesn't let you go out after bedtime without guilt tripping you, what about weekends / none work days?

I was a SAHM for 3 years. I had to do everything for him and DH. DH has never mucked in and his only input is criticism. It is thoroughly exhausting.

DS is 5 now. I work 4 days a week and have so much more energy because being out of the messy house is good for my mental health.

When DH goes away for work, my house is so much tidier, DS is much better behaved and I get to chill on the sofa in the evening and watch my TV. I would love for it to just be me and DS but it's not financially possible for another couple of years.

@SleepingStandingUp 2 kids, their sleep is screwed so they’re up and down all night. it’s not a partner problem we’re both in the same boat and both get no free time. i get it - if i went out he’d be left with 2 screaming kids waking eachother up. i ask the same of him to not go out if he can avoid it.

As a single parent of one child I found that whilst the early years were very full on I had a lot of time to myself once DD got older and became more independent. I can sit and watch what I want, read a book, go for a run or whatever else I want without taking anyone else into consideration. DD is in her mid teens - has plans with her friends tomorrow so other than dropping her off in the morning I am free all day to do as I please.

Now I'm sure there probably are benefits of being in a couple - I've been single since I was 23 and found out I was having DD so I wouldn't know what they were really but I'm sure they would not outweigh the benefits I now have of being single. I feel like the best of both worlds, I got to experience parenthood and raise a fantastic child and get to do as I please. The only downside is D is less willing to tag along to the things I want to do so a companion would be handy but I don't mind doing things alone.

This isn't a partner vs no partner debate.

It's a shit partner vs no partner debate.

And, having been both sides, I'd advise any woman, if they logistically/financially can, to take the no partner option every single time.

YYY to this.

Be careful what you wish for, OP.

A man can be a complete nuisance.

If we want to play to trumps I'm a single parent whose child doesn't see the other parent. Think it took till she was 10 before I got a night away from her. But you know what I have good support and back up. I've a supportive family who would have helped if I needed and knowing they have my back meant I didn't need it.

It isn't always about having me time its about knowing someone has your back, a decent partner would have your back but if they don't that can be even more demoralising than not having a partner. That worry about being the only responsible person is a big issue. I have a major safety net in my family and I know no matter what they'd be there for me or my dd. I can't express how much peace of mind comes from that.

She’s made a choice, she too could go out to work….
take lunch for hair and nails and a day off to spend to herself. She’s chosen to stay at home. She needs to not compare herself to you. She has 2 incomes and a partner who sounds a bit like he could do more.

being a single parent - am one of 4 so know what it’s like is tough now mine are older I have much more freedom but it’s been a slog and that’s with an involved dad. Your little one is very young and it’s a lot to do whilst working full time everything on your shoulders.

I don't really think it's helpful to compare tbh.
If you're married with a useless partner you might not get a lot of time to yourself.

If you're a single parent who's ex has the dc regularly then you might get a lot of time to yourself.
But actually most parenting falls between the 2.

My brother is adamant that him and his wife have it 'harder' as married parents of 3 than I did as a single parent of 2. His logic is that my mum used to have my dc a lot, and she doesn't have theirs so often.

If you base it just on that, then yes. I had more "free time".

But he forgets that my mum had my dc so I could work. Any time I was not at work I had them. If I wanted a bath I had to wait until they were asleep, or accept that they might join me. If I was sick and didn't feel up to cooking, tough. I couldn't have a lie in. Even when they did go to their dads (rarely) I was on call because he would bring them home when he felt like it.

Otoh he and his wife work shifts around each other. If they are sick they can share the load. If they want a bath the other one can amuse the dc. He probably wouldn't because he's a prick, but he could. Not to mention that his ILs have their dc most weekends so they can have a "break."

Does that mean I had it 'harder'? No not necessarily. But he certainly seems to have more 'me time' than I ever did.

I had a friend like that. Said I had it "easier" as I have a husband. Husband is out at work long hours, son is currently not in school due to unmet needs and won't leave my side so I am never on my own, i don't get a break such as a school day or anything! I pointed out that we have different lives, she is a single parent so different.

Agree with @arethereanyleftatall

Not all relationships are good relationships - some people rob their partners of solitude and provide no companionship.

I imagine your friend finds her oh takes up a lot of her time. There is also a bit of the grass always seems greener.

I genuinely don't get what the obsession is with comparisons with others and the race to have it worse than x or y. Everyone, no matter their life circumstances, has shit in their life to deal with at some point. Why can't it just be that, we're all different but the thing we have in common is, at times life is a big pile of shit for us all, just for different reasons. Can't all struggles be equally valid and coexist without the need for a hierarchy of who has it worse?

Just my thoughts. 🤷‍♀️

I hate this, when someone who has a partner will try and compare their lot to a single parent. There is no comparison and it’s infuriating when people try to do this. I am a lone parent (widow) and understand completely the challenges of being on your own, having sole responsibility for everything to do with your child as well as sole financial responsibility. It can’t be underestimated, when I was ill, my children were ill or had issues and I had to go into school there was no one to help or provide support. Let alone the financial side of things. It’s tough, I would just ignore your friend. Even if her partner is working a lot, he is probably providing some sort of support be it financial or just being there to talk over the issues the children are having. The exception of course is abusive relationships.

I’m a happily married SAHM and yes, it has its stresses when they’re little (though it’s great now they’re at school!) but it’s a choice.

I’d suggest not comparing, but if she insists on comparison I’d point out she could always go back to work and even split with her partner if that’s really what she prefers. She has choices that you probably don’t.

Depends totally on the relationships here.

My exh was incredibly hands off when we were married and I worked nearly full time and looked after our child, think all bedtimes and all mornings - he has a hobby which takes up one day of the weekend too.

Since we've split he is actually spending time with our child and I have time to myself to rest, do what I want, focus on my career - I have a busy job so in some ways this set up is working. I will forever be sad our child isn't with me everyday but this is better than the alternative for them, they are certainly happier and thriving.

As a rule, if one partner is "guilt tripping" the other one, I consider that person to be a on the wanker-end of the scale. Guilt tripping is a pretty controlling tactic.

If you're happy, great, but if he's working away from home I bet he gets all that time that OP's friend is jealous of - time to do his own thing at lunch, or commuting time, or just time to go to the toilet alone while you, by the sounds of things, are not.

sorry to hear that you have this difficult situation but you have a partner who is providing financially and hopefully supporting you by sharing the mental load of being a parent. Imagine doing this as a lone parent and also not being able to work due to your child’s needs and worrying how you as a sole parent you are going to cope financially. This was my reality for a long time. It is best never to compare 2 parent families with lone/single parents, imo there is no comparison.

Your friend is an idiot and quite frankly so is anyone in a couple that thinks it's comparable to being a lone parent.

@Newyeareve so because I am married that makes my life instantly better? My point is it is different situations- u don't have it "worse" because you are a single parent! Do your children have sn? Go to school? What makes u assume I can work? I can't because of our situation. Husband is out of the house from 5am-7pm and then is on call nights and weekends, so it falls to me! I'm not saying my life is worse, it is just different from yours but your insinuation is insulting