to think my friend is wrong and I would get more time if I wasn’t a single parent?

[Lasfhwinehour]

I don’t know if my friend was trying to make me feel better or something but her comment has really bothered me. I am a single parent to dd, 19 months. I’ve been on my own with her since she was 3 months. I was v fortunate that I had quite a bit of money during maternity leave and could still socialise a lot. Now she is older and I am working, life feels hectic. I feel jealous of people in relationships and think they must have huge amounts of time as the care of their child is divided. My friend is adamant that I have more spare time than her as I can watch what I want in the evenings when dd sleeps, I have my lunch hours to do hair or nails etc and can take a day of annual leave now and then if I want a full day to myself. In comparison she is a stay at home parent and feels like she is constantly caring for dc and when her husband is home, even though he helps with things she is still involved. It’s not a competition I know but I feel so envious of what it must be like to have the father of you child around. It doesn’t feel fair. I know self pity is a horrible trait and I will snap out of it soon but I feel really low right now and not even understood by my closest friend.

I hate this top trumps of whose situation is more challenging.

To quote @arethereanyleftatall
“On this thread alone we've had single is easier, single is harder, couples is easier, couples is harder.”

Probably, for different people, all the above are true for different people. It's really individual.

It depends on your partner. Now I'm single I definitely have more time to myself because once kids are in bed that's my time. X never really helped with kids or house though. If I had an involved partner then I'd get more time in a couple

In all honesty, I don't know how single working (!) parents do it. You should really be proud of yourself OP.

“You can watch what you want whilst DD sleeps.” Sounds like she has a controlling husband. It’s rare for me and DH to watch anything together ever.

I know people will tell you differently and say that their husbands do a million things at home, but whilst I rely on my lovely husband for income he requires a lot of stuff done for him. He eats different food from the kids and will need me to prepare a daily cooked meal even when the kids and I occasionally manage to eat out. I have to manage his clothes, know where everything is and making sure there are always clean and ironed clothes available for him. Every single bill / parking permit / email etc etc I have to do. He barely remembers the school year our kids are in and he doesn’t even know the sex of their teachers, not the names. I haven’t socialised outside the family in about a decade.

i know others have it to a lesser level, but do I think quite often that things would be easier as a single parent and I understand exactly what your friend is saying.

My husband works long shift patterns that includes a 1 hour commute each way. I do ALL the childcare 7 days a week along with work 5/6 days a week myself. I'd list it but it's boring so I won't lol. Sometimes I think if I'm on my own maybe I would have more time. I have zero time to myself and zero social life and zero time for hobbies as well as zero Famly close by for support (they live abroad). Schools go back tomorrow and I held back tears thinking of the week that's to come with all my running around. So in my case no it's not easier. 😰

Agree that it's not a competition and that parenting is hard no matter what the situation.

Having said this, I do think it is difficult to appreciate how tough it is being a single parent until you're in that position. My DD is 5 months old and my DH has was deployed overseas when she was 3 weeks old so I have been solo parenting since then. It is so difficult never having a break and everything being your responsibility. I often feel envious of my friends who have partners at home and can share cooking, food shopping, night wake ups etc. Although it's nice to watch what you want on TV, it's lonely at night with no one to talk to. But that's assuming they are in a good relationship with a supportive partner, you read so many stories where that is not the case and then I imagine it would be better on your own!

It sounds like your friend is having a tough time of it too and romanticising what your life must be like. Hope you feel better soon OP, keep going!

You're still not entirely solo parenting though. I've had stints where my DH has been away and I've had to do it all alone. BUT, and I think it's a significant but, I still get the benefit of my DH having an income, as your deployed DH also has. True solo parents have to take that responsibility entirely themselves as well. I do think that other half income makes a huge difference.

Oh my goodness, read the room! It's fine to complain to other parents in similar situations, it's obnoxious to complain to someone dealing with a baby, ft work and zero support from baby's dad. When people tell you how it is, please listen. No, it isn't easier.

When I became a single parent what was easier was that the bitterness and resentment that he did sweet FA to help at home all went away. So actually I was calmer and happier. I do look back and wish I'd had someone to help with cooking shopping tidying up etc. Tiring doing it all alone. Raising kids is hard however you do it. Relentless.
Keep going OP

Does it though? I still feel bitter and resentful that my ex doesn’t bother with the kids!

@Sunflwer agree completely, I do not have the stress of a single income. By solo parenting I meant being the only caregiver, I was not trying to imply I was a single parent, I could have used a better choice of words!

@AmazingDayz when DC is in bed I have the entire night to myself, when DC goes to play with friends I have the time to myself, when DC is at school and I am home etc. There is no dad involved, I’m a lone parent

If I’m honest your friend sounds jealous she sees you going to work as free time whilst she’s at home looking after her child and then her husband when he returns home from work
Your doing what’s best for you and your child it’s up to your friend to make changes in her life to make her life better is there a reason why she can’t go to work even part time?

Exactly this. Having kids is hard. One of my friends has split from the partner and they have 50/50 custody so she gets half the week on her own. I have a loving partner that does more than his fair share so I never have to worry about cooking dinner but I do have to consult with him every time about the kids and get criticism if I don't do enough housework.

Both are hard, both have advantages- but the grass always looks greener 😂

Ok fair enough though I don’t see why you couldn’t do that with a partner anyway and have time alone unless they are controlling?

I find parenting an awful lot harder when my DH is away with work. Its relentless and lonely. In terms of your friend, I think it depends as others have said on what type of partner her husband is. Some husbands are genuine partners in life who overall make your life easier. That what a life partner should be. Sadly many men make women's lives even harder because they add to the load rather than sharing it, devalue the work involved in child rearing and running a household and prioritise their leisure time over their female partner's.