to think my friend is wrong and I would get more time if I wasn’t a single parent?

[Lasfhwinehour]

I don’t know if my friend was trying to make me feel better or something but her comment has really bothered me. I am a single parent to dd, 19 months. I’ve been on my own with her since she was 3 months. I was v fortunate that I had quite a bit of money during maternity leave and could still socialise a lot. Now she is older and I am working, life feels hectic. I feel jealous of people in relationships and think they must have huge amounts of time as the care of their child is divided. My friend is adamant that I have more spare time than her as I can watch what I want in the evenings when dd sleeps, I have my lunch hours to do hair or nails etc and can take a day of annual leave now and then if I want a full day to myself. In comparison she is a stay at home parent and feels like she is constantly caring for dc and when her husband is home, even though he helps with things she is still involved. It’s not a competition I know but I feel so envious of what it must be like to have the father of you child around. It doesn’t feel fair. I know self pity is a horrible trait and I will snap out of it soon but I feel really low right now and not even understood by my closest friend.

This thread just goes to show every situation is totally different and you can't compare unless you're in identical situations. Which no one is.

On this thread alone we've had single is easier, single is harder, couples is easier, couples is harder.

So it depends on every tiny nuance, easy kid, much harder kid, number of kids, twat of a husband, lovely husband, working away husband, etc etc on and on.

For my own part, crikey Moses, being single has been so much easier. Bliss really. I was so shocked to discover that when my ex left, I had two hours spare per day!! I'm not sure what is was, but I found myself twirling my thumbs at first. Massively less laundry, no shoes to move to their correct place, dunno really, but the extra time was palpable. He's also stepped up as an ex and actually gets involved now. Didn't before. So for me, single is markedly easier. The only think id change is divorcing sooner.

@Kwasi
Hang in there, get your qualification, then get out. You'll be happier.

@Newyeareve
Thank you. Unfortunately, due to a rental property we make no money on, I can't get any UC. I will get where I need to be, though.

Thank you! It should enable me to double my income once qualified, possibly even more.

But maybe what you both need is a little space. Ok if they're up and down until your bedtime and it takes two to sort them, absolutely not and you have my sympathises. Thankfully mine sleep ok until midnight ISH and then it goes to hell. But means I can go watch a movie after work occasionally etc.
But you really both need to try and make some time for yourselves in the weekends etc , for your own sanity. Surely one of you can manage both for an hour or two? Appreciate there might be additional care needs you don't have to mention that mean you really can't

Op I thought you were going to say that dc's dad has them 50:50. then perhaps your friend could have a point re free time.

I am a single parent of two school age children and my life is definitely harder than someone who is a sahm to school age children and has a supportive partner who works 9-5 and is hands on with the children.

Yes I have 3 nights EOW "off" but the other 11 nights out of 14 are extremely hectic. I might be able to do as I please that weekend but I can't do anything at all other than work or look after the kids the rest of the time. Arguably someone with a supportive partner can go out every other night.

But it's not a competition, nor a race to the bottom. If you're resentful about your own situation it's easy to look at others and think they have it easy.

Also, having more time away from your own kids doesn't necessarily make your life easier or less stressful. I have less time with the kids to help them with their homework and reading (as ex doesn't do it). I have very little influence over what my ex does with the kids, what he says to them. It's hard in a different way

I've got 2 kids. When I was with ex, I had more work to do (he was always creating mess and not cleaning it up, expected me to do all his admin etc) - but, like Purple said on the front page, if he was home, I could nip out to the shops, or go for an evening out with friends, so I had an element of freedom that I don't have now, where my time is so strictly timetabled so I can fit in work and school runs.

All I can say is that it does get better - mine are tweens now, so I can nip to the shops if I need to, and in a few years I'll be able to go out in the evenings again without having to spend out for a babysitter (babysitter doubles the cost of an evening out, so makes it much less appealing). On the other hand, they stay up a bit later (we all go to bed at the same time these days) so I have no time alone when I'm not supposed to be working..

Would your ex do more? Once a month th is absolutely dire! Could you go down a court route to establish more contact?

ROFL - you can't force someone to take their kids!

I always said jokingly when I was with ex, that if we ever split I'd go for 50/50 - but in practise, he said he wouldn't do that, and then buggered off out the country for a year (and continues to do that on and off - sees the kids 1-2 times a month, doesn't even bother with alternating Christmas/birthdays). Nothing I can do about that at all.

Courts force resident parents to hand over kids on pain of sanction, but don't do anything about non-resident parents who don't bother to visit.

YANBU

The way in which you have created time aren’t thanks to you being a single parent but due to working and using childcare. She could work and use annual leave for days to herself whilst in a relationship.

Equally if her husband doesn’t do his bit and actually creates work, that’s a him issue and not an issue with being in a relationship. Obviously if there are two parents involved it ought to create an easier life of each than that of a single parents.

She’s looking at it all wrong imo

With dc dad but ive done pretty much everything from dc1 birth.
Every singke night feed (bf).
Washed dried sorted all clothes
99.9% of cooking cleaning and dish washing
Ive not had a night without a child in 11.5yr. (Only about 15nights without dc1 and she was on scouts/residential/with my parets not with her dad.)
I was also doing betime routine ofr both until about 6m ago.
I sort all school stuff and homework.
And if we go out have to sort that too as he would forget everything.

Some dads do take them to school or sort kids stuff etc.
I think do actually has it easier since we had kids as before it was nore 50/50

OP there are innumerable posts on MN ALL THE TIME from women who have a husband/partner and not only is all the load on them but they have additional work in doing the shit of their partner!
More laundry, another person to tidy up behind, another mouth to feed etc etc!!!!!

They are invariably told to ditch the DH/partner so there's one less person to look after!

It all depends on each case. There are pros and cons for single life and relationships. It's not one size fits all.

Just to add. In 5.5 years, DH has never once got up with DC. I have an autoimmune disease that can cause extreme fatigue; when it's active, I still get no help. No matter how ill I am, DS is still 100% my responsibility.

DH has never once put clothes in the laundry bin, cleaned the sink after he's shaved, replaced the toilet paper, done laundry, done the food shop, taken DS out so I can get stuff done in peace. I am literally responsible for all of his admin as well as mine and DS's. I long for the day I can afford to leave him. I will have so much more time to relax when I do.

I’ve been a SAHM and a working Mum which I am now, being a working Mum is easier. It’s more hectic and I’m always rushing around spinning 100 plates but I still prefer it to the drudgery of being a SAHM. I wound up depressed and constantly anxious because my life was just super long days filled with entertaining small children and cleaning/cooking. It isn’t very stimulating and is often a lonely life.

I feel much happier now I’m working FT because my mind is stimulated and I have somewhere to be, people to interact with and actual stories to tell DH in the evening rather than just ‘well DC did this today’. I felt totally lost as a SAHM.

With that in mind, your friend has a bit of a point but I’m guessing it’s her choice to be a SAHM so she could just make life easier on herself and go back to work. Seems odd thinking of working being easier than staying at home but it really is.

OP, you have said your ex is dire and sees DC half a day a month. If you'd stayed with him, do you believe your life would be easier?

Nod and smile, and ignore

It'll all be so much easier once children are a bit older

But, FWIW, I would assume that, generally, a household with two adults = more free time

If you are in a decent relationship, it is easier than being a single parent.
If you are in a nightmare relationship, being a single parent is often easier than carrying on with that.

But generally two adults in one household = less work for each one. Plus the advantage of being able to say 'what do you think?' which is worth a LOT.

I think your 'friend' is in fact a frenemy. Keep her for socialising but stop telling her your feelings.

It’s all hard

I’m a lone parent, definitely get more time for myself than my sister does with her child and partner. But I really value alone time and it’s why I don’t want another partner - she values time spent with her partner in the evenings more than she values alone time. If you want a relationship then have one, you don’t need to stay a single parent forever

Can I ask how? As if your kid goes to the dad then you’re not a lone parent?

Do not compare.

I have one dc and am with his dad. He’s 2.
we all have our own worries, our own situations.
personally I’m worried about my age because I’m struggling to conceive baby number 2. i recently miscarried a much wanted baby after over half a year of trying. I won’t say my age because I know people will laugh that I’ve ‘got loads of time left’

my younger brother had his dc at 23. Lots of years before I did. I felt it was the wrong way round him having his first, and at the time I got jealous he was experiencing what I always wanted.

an 18 year old girl I know is about to have her first child. She’s single now, and is having a baby before her 25 year old sister. The sister got jealous ‘it’s in the wrong order’, just as I did, and the younger sister says ‘but I’m young and single this is not ideal, you’re doing life the ‘right’ way’

everyone, everything, has 2 sides. You and your friend are doing eachother no favours by comparing. Your friend could be in a deeply unhappy relationship and you’re sat being jealous she’s in one at all. Stop comparing honestly, jealousy is the thief of joy.

just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to find parenting hard and tiring. I’m in a relationship but it doenst feel like it sometimes as we have 0 childcare, he works full time, I work part, and we juggle. One of us is always working and one of us always has our son. But because we are in a relationship we aren’t allowed to be tired..:: something to think about

I absolutely loathe when people in partnerships tell single parents they are lucky. It is so ignorant and crass.

Virtually no-one goes into parenthood planning to raise a child alone so when the relationship fails there is a lot to cope with: grief of relationship break down, increased level of responsibility for child, and bearing the load of being sole provider. There is no'one to share the decision-making, the good times or bad times; no-one to take the children when you are sick or to shop in peace ever.

Some single parents have ex-partners who share care of the children, but lots don't. And even when they do, there is still a loneliness in having no support, no-one who is as invested in the kids as you are.

I've had friends make remarks like, "I'm a single parent this week because Alec is in Paris". So twattish. No, your husband is away, that doesn't make you a single parent. You still have his emotional and financial support. That they'd even utter those words out loud, never mind to someone doing it alone 24-7 beggars belief.

And to answer the OP, your friend is a gigantic twat. She has no right to judge how you feel or manage your time. She's bloody lucky to be able to stay home with the kids and she's an insensitive fool for whining to someone who is bearing the parenting load alone, especially with a baby. You can get better friends than this.

O. M. G. Being a Single parent is soo challenging. There is simple NO COMPARISON. It's such a different ball game. Your ' friend' sounds so unhelpful to your situation. I feel for you. I sympathise. I ve been there. I was sooo relieved when it was resolved and I met someone new. It sounds like you need a new friend group.

You still have the support of a partner. OP doesn't. Why can't you grasp that?

This is a case where everyone will be different and have different experiences. Based on having the kids in my care 24/7:

My DH travels a lot and it is easier in some ways when he's travelling as I don't have to take another adult (who wants my attention too) into account. Physically it's harder as I have more load to carry with aspects of the home.

I think a big positive of being partnered is not having to carry the financial load alone. I think that does go a long way towards making things easier. I think I'd find this much more of an anxious thing if I had to do that alone.