Am I being too sensitive? Friend not inviting me.

[wantsomethingthatiwant]

I asked friend if she wanted to go to an event in June as the tickets were for sale and she said she’s already going with her group of friends.

Now I don’t expect an invite at all to them initially deciding to go. But other way around if I was already going and she asked I’d have said I’m going but get a ticket to come with us. I know most of the group and I like them.

She then said she didn’t buy the tickets so wouldn’t invite me. It’s an open live music day thing and your ticket is just entry - so not seated.

Just feel a bit sad about it.

Not one person has been vicious on this thread. About half share your views and half have politely offered a different perspective, in response to which I agree with the PP who said that you’re being very prickly.

I imagine that your friend is in a bit of a lose lose situation. If she doesn’t invite you along she upsets you, if she does invite you along she potentially upsets one or more of the people that she’s going to the event with. As we’ve seen on this thread some people are “the more the merrier” types and others wouldn’t like a change in group dynamics if someone invites another friend who’s less known to the group.

I have different friends/groups. If I was your friend and I was “double booked” at the event between different groups, I would have replied to you to say I’m already going so will hopefully bump into you and say hi! I’d definitely come and find you to chat and catch up at the very least.

I’d try to combine the attendees if possible, but sometimes that’s not always possible. Sometimes an extra person can change the dynamics. It’s not that you’re unwanted or anything. 1 of my friends tends to have a more the merrier approach and whilst I don’t mind that sometimes, I can’t relax and be myself so I might leave early or not drink or not find it as enjoyable as a 1-1.

What? No one has given her a hard time, she hasn’t been excluded as such, the friend is allowed to go out with other friends, the op isn’t entitled to go with them as she pleases.

You asked friend, she’s told you she’s already going but explained she doesn’t feel she can invite you to tag along as she didn’t buy the tickets/organise the day. I can understand that you feel you’d invite her along if roles were reversed and feel a bit miffed but I think you have to accept your friends decision and let it go if you value her friendship.
As PP’s have said could you not find someone else to go with instead?

I'd have invited you to join the group OP so it seems odd to me your friend didn't. However it's clear from the responses you've had the lots of people wouldn't think this was the done thing, so presumably your friend is one of them. Don't take it personally as its seems a grey area rather than an obvious sleight.

Agree with this. If she had arranged it, it would be different I’m sure OP, I wouldn’t take it personally I’d be trying to see if my own friendship group want to go instead.

There could be reasons you're unaware of. Maybe they use drugs recreationally at music events and keep this between them. Or they know you do and prefer not to babysit people who get off their face (no offence - I don't know you so just speculating on reasons.) Or maybe one of them decided it was a special event for their friendship group. There are lots of possible reasons which don't include you not being good enough to join them. It feels hurtful but it's less likely to do with you and more to do with their specific dynamic.

But I agree with PP. the nice, adult thing to say would be - get a ticket and join us.

Sorry if my comments sound vicious to you, I think it sounds like you're in a tizzy about this, and maybe you need to see it from your friend's perspective.

To me, it sounds like the expectation that your friend is somehow wrong not to invite you shows a lack of empathy on your part as you're not accepting her explanation. If a friend asked if they could come to something I was going to and for whatever reason I didn't think it was a good idea, I'd expect them to accept it if I said it wasn't a good idea. If they then got upset about it, and needed further explanation I would personally find that hard work.

You've been given many examples here of people who would be uncomfortable including an additional friend to something they hadn't organised - do you think every poster who doesn't agree with you is simply wrong?

And finally, if this is the only person you could have gone to the event with, then yes, it would be a good idea to expand your friendships so you have more options. I don't see why that was a vicious thing to say.

No one has been vicious or horrible. You’ve posted on AIBU, the most robust part of MN where people just say what they think. You could have chosen to post in Chat or Relationships where responses are more diplomatic but didn’t.

I think you should look for one or more other ppl to invite and go with them. It shouldn’t be awkward bc she didn’t say she was going to this and then you asked if you could go too, you’re in a much better position bc you mentioned it to her first so you won’t look odd for turning up to it regardless and not being part of their group. Have fun!

Exactly. It’s interesting that so many think this is fine, not a problem at all. What’s the point of having friends if this is seen as normal and somehow the OP’s fault? I remember doing something similar to a friend when I was around 14. It felt like a shitty thing to do, I regretted it and I’ve felt ashamed of it my entire life. The difference is, I learned and grew. I wouldn’t do that today nor do I think it’s okay.

OP - I’d never post on MN about something like this in a million years, but presumably you started this thread to seek opinions and see what a variety of people thought?

Although - it doesn’t seem like it, because you’re getting very annoyed by anyone not encouraging you to feel hurt and excluded.

I don’t see how it is helpful for people to do that.

I don’t think your friend has necessarily done anything wrong.

Obviously none of us know exactly what has gone down.

But my take on it is - one of her friends organised this and invited people, and she doesn’t think it’s OK for her to then add other people in.

It isn’t a matter of just asking - ‘it is OK if I invite X?’ I don’t always feel OK asking this, because (as a sensitive person myself), I worry that the person I’m asking will feel obliged to say ‘yes’, even if they don’t particularly want to. So I don’t ask in the first place.

This isn’t about you - and I mean that in a kind way.

Your friend’s group has organised something, and your friend doesn’t want to upset the equilibrium. Nothing to do with you, per se.

She knows there will be plenty of other opportunities to socialise with you, and the group as well, in the future.

I’m just trying to encourage you to not feel excluded and hurt by this, as I genuinely don’t think you have any reason to.

But if you’d prefer only to listen to people encouraging you to think your friend acted in bad faith, by all means, ignore my post.

@JennyJenny8675309 it is normal for friends to have other friends/friend groups, and not to feel they have include a certain friend in everything just because the certain friend expects it.

I would be upset too. It's not like a private birthday party / special event or wedding. It's a concert/event that is open to everyone where there's not even allocated seats. I have several groups of friends. If one group said they fancied an event and booked us tickets and another friend mentioned they wanted to go I would absolutely say get a ticket and come. I wouldn't check with the other group. If someone was so petty to have an issue then I wouldn't want them as a friend. But my friends are not arseholes and like to include people. Often people turn up with other people on nights out etc. The more the merrier!

This. I have a core group of friends which I want to do specific things only with them. We have a long history and anyone outside of that just changes the dynamics. These specific things are very infrequent so why shouldn't we be able to do that?

@candlelog people are not arseholes for having a preference who they spend their time with though.

I agree, I'm reading OP's responses and they are attacking anyone who doesn't agree with their position. Don't ask the question "Am I being too sensitive?" if you don't actually want to hear people saying that "maybe, yes you are".

There could be a million and one reasons why the friend doesn't want to add OP to the group dynamic for that event. I notice there seems to be some here who assume it's stupid schoolgirl politics and are damning them for it. Well, in the absence of that information, it could be something or it could be nothing. That said, I'm not getting good vibes from OPs negative responses and that might be the feeling that the friend has too. Or perhaps one of the group has asked for this to be 'just them' because it's what they need in that moment and the friend is just respecting that.

You seem rude, maybe that's why you ain't invited

I agree op in this instance I would extend the invite

What an odd response.

your response says to me you never go to festivals with friends. I do. We stay at each others homes the night before and after. We go for a meal before hand, lunch, all meet up, all agree who is taking what . Inviting another person would be a bit difficult, especially if not the organiser.

You sound odder to me. I’m not sure what festivals you go to but I wholeheartedly agree with @candlelog - festivals literally are an open event to anyone who has a ticket. Your travel and accommodation plans before and after are totally irrelevant - if OP makes her own way to the festival there and back then what on Earth would the problem be with her meeting up with the group while at the event? I’ve been to many, many festivals and not known anyone who was that precious about it, they’re the definition of a more the merrier event.

*To me, it sounds like the expectation that your friend is somehow wrong not to invite you shows a lack of empathy on your part as you're not accepting her explanation. If a friend asked if they could come to something I was going to and for whatever reason I didn't think it was a good idea, I'd expect them to accept it if I said it wasn't a good idea. If they then got upset about it, and needed further explanation I would personally find that hard work.

You've been given many examples here of people who would be uncomfortable including an additional friend to something they hadn't organised - do you think every poster who doesn't agree with you is simply wrong?*

It’s a FESTIVAL! not someone’s wedding or a pre-booked meal, it’s a festival at which there will be hundreds if not thousands of people there. A public event. Yes, these people are going as a group but at a large scale event like this there’s hardly going to be much time to sit and have deep and meaningful chats, it’ll be dancing, drinking, watching music mostly surely? What difference would one more person make? So in short yes I do think anyone saying it’s fine to exclude someone in this specific situation is just fundamentally wrong and a bit of a petty arsehole.

I get you’re attempting to come back at me, but when a group of folks all go together, stay together the night before, go for lunch, go in together, go home together, then meeting someone is difficult, you need to plan round it, and you also feel like you can’t exclude the new person from the other activities.

rhe fact the friend finds this not feasible says there is more to it, than they simply all meet a 2pm and head in.

How is it difficult though? This just sounds like excuses to over complicate it. You go in the group together, make your way to the first act you want to see. OP’s friend sends her a text saying “we’re watching XXX, come and meet us by the pink flagpole.” OP meets the group, watches the band, perhaps then the group might splinter off to watch different acts or get drinks with an agreement to meet again in a hour. Group meets again, watches more music, event ends, group says “Bye OP, we’ve prearranged our travel so are leaving together.” OP walks/buses/taxis home. Everyone’s happy. Where is the complication? What sort of festivals do you go to that require any more organisation than that?

@TedMullins it may well be fairly straightforward for folk to meet up inside the event, but that doesn't mean that OP's friend/friend group have to do that - they might prefer not to, and that's their choice.