Am I being too sensitive? Friend not inviting me.

[wantsomethingthatiwant]

I asked friend if she wanted to go to an event in June as the tickets were for sale and she said she’s already going with her group of friends.

Now I don’t expect an invite at all to them initially deciding to go. But other way around if I was already going and she asked I’d have said I’m going but get a ticket to come with us. I know most of the group and I like them.

She then said she didn’t buy the tickets so wouldn’t invite me. It’s an open live music day thing and your ticket is just entry - so not seated.

Just feel a bit sad about it.

This! I think you're being too sensitive Op.

No, I understand that. As said, I understand why you wish to go with them,,but I don’t think she’s done anything wrong, my point on you not being close is they are going as a group, will likely have plans before or after etc.

to be honest, in the same situation I may or may not invite, if we were all meeting before hand, or all staying in the same location before or after, I might not, as it makes it awkward if they invite someone the group isn’t close to, as they feel that they need to inc you in tnat as well.

the truth is you’re not entitled to join them, she’s done nothing wrong, but I get why you want to go with them.

I was going to say the same as Abitofalark. Friend is being thoughtless because they’re okay.

Ugh this is group politics at its finest isn’t it. I find that there are two types of people in this world - the type to include others and bring in new members to a group, and will happily mix groups etc that they’re a part of; then there’s the other type of person - the type that compartmentalizes their groups and never ever mixes friendships. Even in instances like this, where there’s a bit of a friendship crossover happening as you already know some of the people in the group.

I’ve had friends like this and honestly I don’t like it. I see no reason why she couldn’t have invited you along as well. It’s mean and exclusionary and for what? The sake of some weird group politics?

OP - make room for people who will happily include you and invite you along to things they’re doing with other people. Because that’s what this is really about - friendships with inviters vs friendships with excluders. She doesn’t sound like a great friend.

Buy a ticket and go anyway. I would. See if there's anyone else who wants to come along as well.

I would have done the same as you OP and so do most of my friends. It's an event - it's not some private gathering.

Well, some people are very compartmental about their friends. They don't want to 'upset' the friend group by being more open and including others.

Yeah, it's shit when you aren't included. You feel like a spare part.

It's something I had to take a cold hard look at.

Because I relied on my 'popular' and outgoing friends to sort of enable my friendships in groups.
I'd 'piggyback' on events and hope to get invited to things.

With the arrival of Whatsapp Groups and Covid I found I regressed and became worse at maintaining my individual contribution to one to one friendships.

As we getting older and changes in people's lives, moving to different towns, cities away from old friend groups or leaving college stuff - like that all contributes to it becoming harder for quieter people in groups to continue to get asked to things.

You might have to become one of those people that arranges meet-ups more than you were.

I see no reason why she couldn’t have invited you along as well. It’s mean and exclusionary and for what? The sake of some weird group politics?

if you are part of a group you’d see plenty of reasons.

they could all be staying together the night before somewhere, or after. All going for a meal before hand or drinks. All sharing transport. It’s not a given they are just meeting at the gates. In fact unlikely. Hence why inviting an extra person the group mainly don’t know, is awkward. And the op doesn’t even really know who is going.

when we all go to festivals or gigs, there are plans either end. It wouldn’t be simple to invite someone else. Nor would it be acceptable as it could lead to that person also wanting to stay at someone’s house, or coming for dinner etc. and what happens if everyone does it. Brings another person the group isn’t close to, it becomes a very different animal.

often these things just aren’t as simple as meet at the gates and all go in together.

This. Especially if I hadn’t organised it in the first place.

I wouldn’t feel offended OP, your friend can’t simply invite you to something someone else has planned. I do understand why you feel a sad though. Why not invite someone else though?

God, this is such high school stuff. Such high school GIRL stuff if I’m being honest. If I was organising a group of pals to an event, and one of them mentioned that her friend (actually, our mutual friend) was independently also buying herself a ticket then why in earth would I have a problem with that person joining us there? To be honest, even if I’d never met that person I’d still welcome them into the group because, well, why wouldn’t anyone?!

This is such Mean Girls “you can’t sit with us” territory. Awful.

I think maybe it's just some weird group politics that you mightn't be privy to - or at least that's what you could tell yourself to avoid being upset - i.e. change your internal narrative about it, as you don't really know the full back story. It might be that the organiser has form for wanting to keep events to just the group or whatever - fact is, you don't know and it could be that your mutual friend didn't feel she could rock the boat so don't be upset with her.

If you'd like to go to the event, then be sure that you do, but with another friend/group of friends and then if/when you run into the others just be pleasant and so on and put this whole thing out of your mind.

Yuk, who has friends with “weird group politics”? Do you think any group of men think like this? She’s already said she knows them all and is friendly with them all. If I ever had a a group of pals with “politics” about who can be seen with whom, who can mix with who and who does or doesn’t have permission to join at certain public events I’d ditch them all faster than a hot potato. They’re (presumably) grown women for goodness sake.

I used to be a more the merrier type but realised quite a lot of people really don't like it, even when your the organiser or host. Funnily enough those who hate it never seem to have a problem when they are the extra and are inviting themselves places.

The point being when I don’t invite extras it’s never anything personal so don’t worry too much op and look for someone else to go with.

Absolutely this. Why any decent human being would have a problem with this is strange to me. The more the merrier. Especially if they’ve actually already met you, too. It’s not like you’re inviting yourself along to a very personal and closed event like a hen do or funeral or wedding or birthday party. It’s a public ticketed event. I’d be delighted if one of my friends knew another of her friends was going and offered for them to join us.

Anything else just feels so so high school girl stuff.

But she doesn't want you to gow with her and her group of friends, most of whom you don't know

Is it hurtful? Depends on why she doesn't want you to go. If it's because of something to do with you/your personality, then it might be hurtful

Can you guess why she doesn't want you there?

I think you are being a bit sensitive about it OP. If I was in the group and didn’t really know you I’d probably prefer to stick to just the group going. Your friend id probably thinking about the rest of her group.
Could you ask another friend if they want to go?

Ask another friend x

This really. It's their group of friends going and maybe they don't want to add in other people. It's possible they've discussed keeping it just them before buying the tickets or after you'd mentioned wanting to go.

I dont think it works like this OP. I've got friends who know one another but would never go out together etc, I go out with some of them and other times the others. If one of these groups had organised tickets and then the other friend said I'd like to go it would put me in an awkward position as the night is already organised and the people who are being asked have already been asked. It wouldn't be for me to start joining people to that.

So you ' know most of the group ' - but not all ?
' and like them ' - but not everyone of them might like you ?

So now you know your friend is already busy on that day, what are you going to do ?

Are you going to go on your own ? or are you going to see if a different friend is interested in going with you ?

Do you have other friends ? or are you totally reliant on this friend ?

As for it being a ' one off ' as you have repeatedly said - what if it's not ?
what if something similar happens in the future ?
Are you going to expect to be invited / included as you are now ' part of that group '
or are you going to invite yourself by thinking to yourself ' well I went last time ' so it will be fine this time ' ?
or will you accept that this event was a ' one off '

So OP, what’s your best theory about why she didn’t ask you along?

Youve explained very clearly what’s happened. And thanked people who’ve agreed it’s a bit rubbish. I’d feel the same as you if it happened to me.

Does she feel she’d have to stay with you the whole time and couldn’t chat to the others? Do you dominate the conversation? Maybe the others wouldn’t be happy if they found out you had been invited?

Just because you also know them, doesn’t mean that she thinks you will gel with them. I have separate groups of friends who have met each other on special occasions, but the kind of fun I would have with one group is very different to the kind of fun I would have with another (for example one group would have no problem getting drunk at a concert whereas another don’t even drink). Unfortunately not every occasion is one where different friends all get together.

What exactly is stopping you from going anyway OP? Do you have no other friends you could go with if you can’t face it alone?
Rather than seeing this as being excluded, I see it that your friend is going with a group that you are not a part of (regardless of you saying you “know” some of them). Being upset with her for not adding you on seems pretty unfair, given she’s not the organiser.

I have a friend a bit like you who often gets very personally offended about me having a life outside of our friendship with people she knows but isn’t close to herself. It gets to be tiring and hard work after a while.

Does she feel she’d have to stay with you the whole time and couldn’t chat to the others?

This for me would be a big part of if I'd invite someone along or not. Also whether they were an easy going character or very full on.

It might seem mean to some on here but one of my friends I was so hesitant to invite out with my other group as she would expect me to stay with her the whole time, she was also hard work. Very easily offended, highly strung etc.

Whereas one of my other very good friends I could take anywhere with me as she wouldn't expect to be glued to my side, was very easy going, not argumentative at all, just generally uncomplicated to be around.

I always worried about friend number 1 in group situations but we had a great time when it was just us.

Is there anyone else you can ask if they would like to go?

Every group has politics or at least group psychology one way or another - even groups of male friends, yes!
There could be some sensitivities at play that the OP isn't privy to - the organiser could be notoriously rigid about inviting other people and the others are scared of annoying them, or one could have had an affair with a previous friend of a friend, or any number of things - who knows? The OP doesn't know! So why ruminate on it any further?