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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Derek Draper has passed away - Kate Garraway's husband

205 replies

Zingy123 · 05/01/2024 11:49

How sad he wasn't very old.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 05/01/2024 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Do shut up!

DragonMama3 · 05/01/2024 16:25

RIP x

SerafinasGoose · 05/01/2024 16:35

FreshWinterMorning · 05/01/2024 12:11

I agree with your second sentence. I just didn't want to say it. Sad

I believe it should be said. I've lost loved ones after long, gruelling illnesses and there does come a point that it's a relief when the suffering is over. Then you feel guilty for feeling it. But when this is someone you love, the feeling is natural and understandable.

Poor woman, widowed at such an age. My thoughts are now also with the family of brave Esther Rantzen as she confronts the decision we all hope we'll never have to make, and in doing so hopes to make that journey just a little easier for others, too. Her family confront an equally hard choice, in that they might be arrested if they accompany her on her last journey, despite it being clear and obvious that the decision is her own.

It's harder still when your loved one is as young as Derek Draper (my own darling mum was 55). Heart goes out to them all.

DriftingDora · 05/01/2024 16:39

peachgreen · 05/01/2024 14:44

Honestly my most fervent hope is that this brings some sort of peace for Kate and her family. Losing DH was the worst thing that ever happened to me – but seeing him so desperately ill in the ICU, and the sheer worry for him when he came home so vulnerable and with such a high chance of dying at any time – was harder in many ways. I can't imagine the agony of going through that for so long. I admire Kate hugely.

I remember your posts when your dear husband died, peachgreen. I hope life has been kinder to you and your little one since then. x💐

FluffyFanny · 05/01/2024 16:39

I don't think the BBC tribute was insensitive. Yes, he has had a horrible death and suffered badly since contracting covid and many people have had a lot of sympathy for him and Kate. However, previous to that he was involved a few political scandals and was quite a controversial character. These are true, and not just 'alleged' misdemeanors. The guy was no saint.

Potentialmadcatlady · 05/01/2024 16:40

Unwisebutnotillegal · 05/01/2024 14:55

I’m so sorry for your loss. I used to be a Intensive Care nurse and part of why I left was that we gave too much false hope and caused the patients and their families prolonged suffering by continuing treatment when we knew that they would die. I’ve written a plan for my family as I wouldn’t want more than four weeks on ventilation. Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should.

When my son was in ITU I remember ‘our’ nurse saying exactly the same to me, as the little boy in the bed beside my son suffered an horrendous death, caused in part by a Hail Mary surgery that the surgeons wanted to ‘try’.
It has always stuck by me and my now adult kids and I know exactly what each others wishes are and that includes the phrase ‘just because we can doesn’t mean we should’

DriftingDora · 05/01/2024 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Have you always been this petty and unfeeling, or did you have to have training for it?

Zanatdy · 05/01/2024 16:46

I was so sad to hear this today. He fought a brave fight and Kate was nothing short of amazing in her devotion to him. I too saw a lot of Derek on I’m a celeb extra show just a few months before this all happened, they seemed like a nice family. My sympathies are with them all

EmpressSoleil · 05/01/2024 16:52

It's sad for all that he and his family went through, but honestly I think it's better than continuing to suffer for decades more. Other pp's have put it far better than me but it was no life for him or his family.

FlyingCherub · 05/01/2024 16:55

He was simply living from one medical crisis to the next, and I personally don't feel that is what I'd quantify as quality of life.

My only wish is that now Kate steps well away from the media to care for her children and herself - there is no more story to tell, and Derek deserves to now rest in peace. I'm not entirely sure that I'm comfortable with how much she has shared about his private medical details.

Justme68 · 05/01/2024 16:56

How sad 😔

GaudeteGaudete · 05/01/2024 16:59

RIP Derek Draper and my admiration to Kate Garraway and best wishes to her and the children and entire family as they process everything and grieve. Kate has been an amazing advocate for her husband, her family, and patients, carers and families with similar challenges.

This is going to be a long one but I hope that it is useful to some people who are on this thread, or who view it later.

@AnnieMaeve, and @ others who have posted about friends and relatives not getting the long term care they need:

My DM is also very ill and requires full time nursing care, paid for from her savings at a cost of £5,500 per month.

It sounds as though some of the people with complex needs being described on this thread should be looking into something called NHS Continuing Healthcare (CHC). Once assessed as eligible, then it covers not only all actual nursing care but also all other care required to meet the person's needs as assessed. See here for some information (which is meant to be for solicitors working in this area of practice, and therefore unless you are one, I recommend that you do take professional advice):
https://communities.lawsociety.org.uk/may-2022/back-to-basics-nhs-continuing-healthcare-eligibility/6002314.article

Although many many people with care needs resulting from medical conditions will not meet the actual criteria (in the legislation), it is never-the-less a national scandal, in my opinion, that many people, including those with severe complications of Covid or severe long Covid, as well as degenerative neurological conditions, stroke, etc. etc., and who require extensive nursing and other care specifically because of their illness, have not heard of it, have been fobbed off when enquiring about it, have been erroneously discouraged from applying or told incorrectly that they are not eligible when they might be. And hence they do not have it and are struggling, having their assets unnecessarily drained, or both.

While some healthcare professionals and some social workers are knowledgeable and/or supportive on the matter, and so it would be wise to ASK these people involved with you to ascertain whether they are, unforunately at the same time people often are NOT told or helped to apply for it by healthcare professionals and some local councils and social workers put them into the social care route long term which is means tested and that's it, rather than encouraging and assisting them to go down CHC NHS route. Although it is a complex situation with councils and their responsibilities and the reasons not black and white.

My understanding is that it can be a difficult process to get, can take a long time and require appeal(s), and takes a lot of fortitude, and sometimes the claims are only paid out after someone has died (into their estate, sometimes considerable sums). And quite often the 'gatekeeping' step in order to be "allowed" to apply for it (and which if you read the legislation, isn't implemented correctly and is questionable as a concept) is problematic itself.

There are charities who can assist, and some charities are also (or instead) able to signpost to particular specialist solicitors for their client (patient) group, who can give initial free advice and who have been assessed as being legitimate, ethical, providing a service suitable for their client/patient group, and charging reasonable fees for further assistance with applying for or appealing for CHC. In my view, the cost of care is so high that this could be money well spent.

There are also things called Care Annuities which could be appropriate for some people in some circumstances and I would recommend anyone with assets being drained to speak to an Independent Financial Advisor, preferably one with SOLLA accreditation:
https://societyoflaterlifeadvisers.co.uk/

In fact, this could also be a useful step for someone looking at claiming CHC even without much or any assets, and don't forget the family home, insurance policies, and private and state pension accrual, it all counts, you do not have to be even 'well off' let alone rich to benefit from an initial consultation which is often free of charge. Also, you don't have to be IN later life to speak to them, as they will tell you what their specialisms are, which can include care fee planning (for people of any age, immediate or future), general retirement planning, other investment, pension and insurance planning, looking at the whole family if desired. Some SOLLA trained IFAs, and IFAs more generally, work only with clients with specific minimum income or asset levels, or at specific life stages, but many don't. Make some notes and check that they ask you all the right questions, including about CHC and grants and personal wheelchair budgets and so on, in their initial consultation with you, and then choose someone who will be right for your situation.

Disclaimer: I am not connected through paid work or volunteering to any commercial company or charity that deals with CHC directly, nor have I ever been to my knowledge. I am connected to one charity that signposts to a third party for CHC legal help, due to a personal connection with that charity and volunteering for it in an unrelated capacity. I am not a lawyer, an IFA or a registered healthcare professional either nor do I work for any of the above. I am a client of several of the above specialisms.

The Society of Later Life Advisers (SOLLA)

SOLLA helps people and their families in finding trusted accredited financial advisers who understand financial needs in later life. A well-qualified financial adviser who is also somebody who understands the plans you need to make for your retirement...

https://societyoflaterlifeadvisers.co.uk

FluffyFanny · 05/01/2024 17:02

My first feeling when I heard the news today was relief- relief that he's no longer suffering, and relief for his family that they can begin to rebuild their lives, especially his children.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/01/2024 17:11

Goatymum · 05/01/2024 13:36

To add, re covid, are people still getting extreme complications now post-vaccine rollout, with anti-vitals etc available? Most of the ‘bad’ cases or deaths I heard about were in 2020.

I’ve got severe long Covid. Got it in July. Still too weak to do anything at all.

DC1888 · 05/01/2024 17:14

wannabetraveler · 05/01/2024 13:28

Me too. Similar to the situation with Michael Schumacher; I often wonder if surviving in such circumstances was actually worse.

God rest his soul.

Was just thinking about Schumacher in regards to Derek. It's been 10 years now since Schumacher had his accident and there's barely been a peep about him, although from what little information we did get we do know his life is limited in that he cannot communicate normally.

The main thing for any long term patient is not being in any pain, as life would be intolerable being in constant pain. If you can still get enjoyment out of life, however different that life was from your old one, it's more than worth it. RIP Derek.

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 05/01/2024 17:15

Just hope the media give them the space they need, she came across as pretty stoical but my guess is now she needs privacy

LlynTegid · 05/01/2024 17:17

May he rest in peace. Thoughts for Kate Garraway and their children.

Another person to die as a result of Covid, let us not forget.

forgivingfiggy · 05/01/2024 17:18

I'm sure she has grieved him many times over, but I don't underestimate the pain in witnessing his 'recovery' from Covid, the psychological and physical wrench of that time, only to lose him now. Poor him, and those who loved him.

Thecatmaster · 05/01/2024 17:19

Oh, that's so very sad for them all.

Bearpawk · 05/01/2024 17:22

@Goatymum anti virals aren't on offer as standard any more. I have cancer and was eligible if I caught covid then the NHS withdrew that mid last year. Assume they're still available to some patients but not sure who/ when.

Goatymum · 05/01/2024 17:24

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/01/2024 17:11

I’ve got severe long Covid. Got it in July. Still too weak to do anything at all.

Sorry to hear. I had a bad dose in July 22 and took ages to get back to ‘normal’ - I was shattered, prob only 3 months although it triggered horrible stomach issues and I still have bad reflux.

Silvers11 · 05/01/2024 17:24

RenoDakota · 05/01/2024 13:13

Shocked and appalled that the BBC News at One chose to drag up unsavoury details about him in their 'tribute' just now.
Shame on them.

I completely agree with you. He wasn't perfect - and neither are any of us. But it is simply shocking that they couldn't actually find anything nice to say about him and decided to put the boot in. At the very least it could have been put a lot more kindly than they did. Or preferably not make reference to the less savoury parts of his life at all

I so feel for Kate and the children. They have all had a terrible few years. RIP Derk Draper

watermelonsugar56 · 05/01/2024 17:26

Awful and so scary what covid did to this man. Rest in peace, Derek.

Lampzade · 05/01/2024 17:27

FreshWinterMorning · 05/01/2024 12:11

I agree with your second sentence. I just didn't want to say it. Sad

I agree

Bearpawk · 05/01/2024 17:28

My father was left in a similar state to Derek after a stroke, and it's no quality of life. No independence, movement, being reliant on others for every little thing and it's SUCH a burden on the family no matter how willing they are. It's soul destroying. my father finally died 10 years later after a slow decline and I'm not ashamed to say it would have been better for all if he'd passed away at the time of the stroke. DD was clearly never going to regain health or a quality of life again and I'm glad he's no longer suffering, as heartbreaking it must be for his family at this point in time. Poor things.