Please help me help dd (17) with friendships, I am unintentionally making things worse…

[Watermelon234]

I am at my wits end with worry about her. I was trying to help, but in worry and frustration have ended up telling her that I think her friend is toxic and I don’t think that has helped.

She is a very social person, loves going out and meeting friends. When she is doing this she is happy, bubbly and confident.

The problem is she doesn’t have a close/reliable group of friends to do this with, so socialising is very sporadic and has been worse over he past few months. Because of this her mood changes beyond recognition and she becomes very low and mopey.

She only gets to go out or meet friends if she is invited, doesn’t have a close friend to call on, even to hang out with in houses. She has tried to instigate meet ups but people are generally busy with others so decline. She doesn’t like to ask if she can join in.

This has been an ongoing problem over the years. She makes friends easily, has numerous acquaintances, but everyone of them seem to have closer friends that they do things with. She’s never really had that and I don’t know how to help her. It was fine when she was younger because we met up in groups, instigated by us parents, and the kids joined in but friendships have evolved without my dd.

The toxic friend is a girl my dd sees at college and they share a hobby. My dd sees her as a close friend. Unfortunately, it has become apparent to me that this friend is actually turning other friends against my dd. I have been a bit suspicious of this for a while, so have been watching from the sidelines while they do their hobby, as I didn’t get a good vibe from her at all. The friend has been very active socially over Christmas, and has invited some of my dd’s other friends from a different friend group out with her friend group, but my dd was not included. My dd has gone very quiet, withdrawn and subdued since she heard this. I am fuming, as she doesn’t need this at all at the moment with A levels looming. In my frustration and anger at my dd making excuses for her friend and accepting it as all part of life, I ranted that her friend was toxic.

Today I feel guilty about being angry and not being supportive, but I am so worried she will end up back where she was a few years ago, in a low place with no social options at all. The worry is eating me up. The problem is , because she is mopey, that is not exactly enticing to others, and the invites dry up. The past couple of years have been great in comparison, so I really need to get this right.

please help with any advice.

You need to leave her to it really and let her decide for herself and discover who is and isn’t toxic. Your daughter needs to start instigating meet ups and not just expect people to be inviting her.

Jeebus, stay out if it

Hi OP, I haven't got a teenage daughter so there will be more insightful perspectives, but I imagine the best thing you can do is be there for your daughter, support and listen to her (as you are doing) as she navigates her way through friendships and other relationships.
The rant about the friend being toxic might not have been the best idea, but at least your daughter heard how you felt and may have taken some of it on board.

I’ll happily stay out of it like I do with my other dcs who do not have any struggles in this area, but surely if your dc is unhappy it is your role as a parent to try and support them?

She does try very hard to instigate things, and sometimes this works ok, but other times it doesn’t. Surely you can understand that if she is trying to organise a meet up and people are busy, or have other priorities then it’s not that straightforward?

Honestly leave her alone. She's an adult.

Yanbu. The toxic friend inviting the group and not her was mean. She knows this I’m sure and her anger is not directed at you but at the situation. I think there’s not much you can do though except making home/family activities she can enjoy.

I think you seem far too involved to even know how her friendships all link. I'd be guided by my child coming and asking for help rather than trying to make myself this involved.

It also doesn't necessarily mean that this friend is toxic, there could be reasons that you are unaware of why on certain occasions your DD wasn't invited. Not everyone is invited to everything, and if her friends are doing things without inviting that would be a major red flag for me that there's more to it and a reason behind it.

OP my kids are little so I haven't been though this yet as a mum but can well imagine how painful it is to watch your dc struggle socially. But I have been through it as a daughter- my mum was very against one friend of mine when I was young - she did succeed in getting me away from this friend (who was a bit of a frenemy type so mum wasn't wrong) but I suffered from the pressure of mum's scrutiny on my social life - I really felt her wish for me to have good friendships and never be in a one- down position in my friendships and i resented having to take on her feelings and opinions about it when I was trying to work it all out myself. So, as difficult as it is, I would back off. Maybe (if you can afford it) offer to pay for counselling if your dd is unhappy& lonely- it would be more helpful for her to explore any social difficulties with a neutral party. We always want to please our parents so it's stressful to feel that they are viewing our social life (or lack thereof) as a problem

Honestly, I think the only thing you can do is talk, reassure, provide perspective, don’t panic. What else is there to do? Will she be going off to uni next year? Even starting work or other training may well give her a wider group of friends. sometimes it’s right to leave people behind.

You need to stay out of it and let your daughter develop her own relationships. It will happen even, but you interfering won't help. She's practically an adult and needs to learn to do this for herself.

Also, I can't see what this 'toxic' friend has actually done wrong! People have different groups of friends and can see who they want.

Thanks, I agree and she does try. Sometimes it works ok, sometimes not. Instigating things isn’t as easy as it sounds though is it if you don’t have a close friend group, or if the person you think is a close friend is actually arranging things with your friends but leaving you out!

Very helpful and understanding thanks

Not really, 17 still officially a child, and I’d love to leave her alone, but surely part of being a responsible parent is to help them to navigate situations like these?

I think you need to take a huge step back.

I’ve been in a similar position in that I worried that DS didn’t seem to have a group of friends to socialise with - but it was that weird covid year group that didn’t sit their GCSE’s, didn’t have prom, college was online for the first year, etc.

He went off to university and has found “his people”. He’s got such a good group of mates, both male and female, and a crazy busy social life despite not drinking, not being sporty at all, and being into some quite niche non-sociable hobbies.

She’ll find her way, it just might take a while.

I would tell your daughter that very soon people grow up and have a wide range of friendships. It’s worth avoiding people who like to hang in tight groups in my opinion. Adulthood is so good for getting away from this crap. Just advise her to be friendly and warm to everyone. To be ready to have many different friends. To treat people with respect. To keep up with the friends she has got. And try not to take things personally as it is ALWAYS about the other person, not about you.

I think that’s all I would be saying to a 17 year old.

thanks, I know iI can’t do a lot except be there, and we do do family things too, but at this age it is all about friends.

my other dc has a very supportive friend group and they would never do anything like this. I really wish my dd had the same but it hasn’t worked out that way, despite her being very kind and loyal herself.

I have a teenage daughter and the friendships are so toxic! I couldn't do anything other than listen and offer advice. If she cut them off, she'd have no friends at all. She's been out yesterday with them, didn't like them being bitchy but enjoyed being out. She's off again today with a new friend, fingers crossed they become close and it's a positive friendship. All you can do is listen and encourage her to meet new people. Could she start another hobby? To meet others?

OP I have complete empathy for you. Of course you're going to be worried about your daughter's happiness and mood swings. Of course you can't just stand by and watch her be unhappy! Some of the posts on here are very cold.

My daughter was in the same situation at that age. She lacked confidence and had (has) various mild MH issues. The "good" close friends she had would occasionally abandon her, for example when changing schools, joining new activity groups etc... I think that is normal and to be expected at that age.

However she then joined a group that were the ne'er-do-wells of the area and was on the line of doing mild illegal things. We treated them all well but obviously needed to bring her back to the legal side of the line with various sympathetic chats. She had toxic boyfriends who played on her MH issues in a nasty way.

She never really got decent friends until she went to uni and got new friendship groups and since then has been largely fine.

My only suggestion is to get her to join team based sports like football, netball, swimming clubs etc as these generally come with a social life and easy to make friends as they have common interests. Or if sports aren't her thing then guides / junior leaders / army cadet force etc. Every kid I've known to go through these types of organisations have come out much stronger than they went in.

Good luck

I know on mn it is fashionable to leave your dc alone and not get involved but in the real world parents actually care about their dc and want them to be happy.

when you see your dc go from vivacious and bubbly to a shell, especially when you’ve been there before, believe me you will do anything to help.

Yes support them, not get involved

She's way, way too old for you to be getting this involved in her friendships. The best thing you can do is step aside and let her develop a more mature friendship style.

Her 'toxic' friend is perfectly entitled to socialise without your DD. You, as your DD's mother, cannot possibly be objective about the possible reasons for your DD having friendship issues. Blaming all her friends isn't going to help her and, realistically, is unlikely to be justified. You can't navigate her through this; she needs to find her own way.

I really need to get this right.

You don't, your daughter does. I'm really sorry, as I know it's very difficult (been there with mine!), but you need to back off.

This is helpful thanks. Panic is what I did last night as it triggered memories of when I was younger and also when dd had a similar experience a few years ago and was very low

Sounds so similar to my child, though he is a couple of years younger. I was very worried about him a few years ago. He also had a toxic friend like your daughter’s.

After a few years of agonising, overstepping, really trying hard to solve his friendship problems, I read a book - it was called Hold on to your kids - that made me realise it wasn’t in my control. My child’s friendships, and the behaviour of other children, are not in my control, and neither should they be. The only thing I can control is my own relationship with my children, and the book made me realise that this was where I should put the effort in. Instead of pushing for her to ask her friends out, ask her out with you. Having a strong relationship at home will make any problems with friendships less impactful and ultimately give your child more confidence in relationships.

I’m sure the book isn’t for everyone, but that message was helpful for me (and I don’t think that was the main message of the book). If I look after my own relationships with my kids, it benefits their other relationships outside the house.