Please help me help dd (17) with friendships, I am unintentionally making things worse…

[Watermelon234]

I am at my wits end with worry about her. I was trying to help, but in worry and frustration have ended up telling her that I think her friend is toxic and I don’t think that has helped.

She is a very social person, loves going out and meeting friends. When she is doing this she is happy, bubbly and confident.

The problem is she doesn’t have a close/reliable group of friends to do this with, so socialising is very sporadic and has been worse over he past few months. Because of this her mood changes beyond recognition and she becomes very low and mopey.

She only gets to go out or meet friends if she is invited, doesn’t have a close friend to call on, even to hang out with in houses. She has tried to instigate meet ups but people are generally busy with others so decline. She doesn’t like to ask if she can join in.

This has been an ongoing problem over the years. She makes friends easily, has numerous acquaintances, but everyone of them seem to have closer friends that they do things with. She’s never really had that and I don’t know how to help her. It was fine when she was younger because we met up in groups, instigated by us parents, and the kids joined in but friendships have evolved without my dd.

The toxic friend is a girl my dd sees at college and they share a hobby. My dd sees her as a close friend. Unfortunately, it has become apparent to me that this friend is actually turning other friends against my dd. I have been a bit suspicious of this for a while, so have been watching from the sidelines while they do their hobby, as I didn’t get a good vibe from her at all. The friend has been very active socially over Christmas, and has invited some of my dd’s other friends from a different friend group out with her friend group, but my dd was not included. My dd has gone very quiet, withdrawn and subdued since she heard this. I am fuming, as she doesn’t need this at all at the moment with A levels looming. In my frustration and anger at my dd making excuses for her friend and accepting it as all part of life, I ranted that her friend was toxic.

Today I feel guilty about being angry and not being supportive, but I am so worried she will end up back where she was a few years ago, in a low place with no social options at all. The worry is eating me up. The problem is , because she is mopey, that is not exactly enticing to others, and the invites dry up. The past couple of years have been great in comparison, so I really need to get this right.

please help with any advice.

This my parents were definitely not involved in my friendships at 17.

My daughter went through a similar thing when she was about the same age. Girl groups can be very toxic and she often felt left out. In the end she decided she had enough and found one friend who she would see only, who was actually nice.
Two years later she is best friends with this girl and very happy.
She still occasionally sees a few of the old group but only one on one.
Hopefully your daughter will find one good friend and then she wont' need to mix with the ones who leave her out.
It's a hard time being a teenager sometimes and we just have to be there for them when they ask for help.

I think they possibly just accept any social invitation and don’t think too much about who is going, possibly don’t even know who is going until they get there.

Sometimes they meet up when she instigates something, sometimes they don’t. She does have a social life and has been to quite a few parties etc this year, but usually as part of big groups or with the friends from the hobby. This was/is the main source of the socialising, but dynamics have changed a bit now some have turned 18 and are able to go out out and others (my dd included) haven’t. So her options have reduced a bit now.

I think maybe you’re rubbing your own experiences off on her if that makes sense. She’s modelling your own friendships. The language you use about friendships seems to focus on being nice and not saying a bad word etc

if you think about male friendships, they’re not always perfectly nice to each other - they might take the mick at the times, they might be super competitive eg sports, they might say a few choice words about other people etc - but simultaneously they are there for each other when needed. female friendships work exactly the same, there’s no need to be perfectly nice, you just let people get to know the real you without feeling like you need to put a front on in fear of causing offence. It’s okay to annoy each other. Maybe that’s why it’s difficult for you to leave the acquaintance zone and make close friendships?

some of my friends when I were 17 just felt like an extension of me, we spoke about anything and shared everything on our minds. If someone pissed my friend off, we probably did have a gossip session or a “you don’t need him” pep talk - it’s okay to say a “bad word” about someone or something that frustrates you. Equally we would check each other and put each other in our places if we were doing something silly, like if we over or under reacted to something. Because we were that comfortable with each other, it then came naturally to go to cinema or walks locally etc

@Watermelon234 being a bit vanilla in response to difficulties is a common approach. But it mean she will not make close friends. Trust to show who you are is essential to making friends. That means rejection as well.

It makes sense she would be invited to big parties for example because she is nice and people think she is friendly and nice. But if she shows nothing of herself, there is nothing there to move beyond acquaintance level to close friends.

That may be the case, and to be fair I would rather do the same (in fact I’m not really involved in them at all), but surely you realise that not everyone is the same and that some people require more support and guidance than others with friendships just like some need more support with schoolwork or finances etc?

I’m not fully sure if you’re trying to be helpful or goady with your post? Most people have been helpful, even if they don’t agree with my point of view or the actions I have taken. Does it make you feel good to be like this?

I think, given some of your updates, I’d focus on trying to build her confidence sharing opinions, making jokes and generally letting her personality out, while building her resilience and the fact that it doesn’t matter if some people don’t like her because of that - those just aren’t her people.

Being nice is all well and good in moderation, but people don’t trust someone who seems “too nice” - they’re often seen as two-faced (even if she isnt, people may suspect she is), or if not, a bit over-eager, or dull or… many things she probably isn’t beneath the “nice” veneer.

Nice can be the enemy of fun, and friendships start with finding people good fun.

I think you are right and maybe this could be part of the problem

Being supportive doesn’t mean micromanaging her friendships.

it involves supporting her when she’s hurt or upset.

Levave her be, she’ll find her people in time.

Yes that makes sense, and you’re right I am exactly like this

okay maybe leave her to find her own rhythm with friends and back away a tad. In the meantime focus on being friends with her eg take her to the cinema, spa, concert or dinner etc something to fill her social life up a little bit. It gives her something to talk about to her peers then too and builds her confidence

If you felt brave enough. I would start to model opening up a bit and showing more of your true self. And explain to her why you are doing it.
And then leave her, she may not be ready to make this move herself yet, but you will be giving her some of the tools to use when she is ready.

This is such a helpful and kind post. Great advice.

You're completely out of order.

OP, just ignore this person with the strange and negative mindset.