A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

I don't get it. What's the difference between kids leaving at 5 or 8pm? That period is usually a bit of a twilight time anyway - not quite daytime, not quite evening - what's the deal if you don't scoop up the kids, are they going to tell you to go home?

Goalposts definitely changed op, feel no guilt about rsvp'ing no (and I'd be really pissed off too).

omg, the dumbest comment on the internet today prize goes to….

Honestly 5hrs away & £1300 I probably wouldn't even have considered it or only for me if that would bring costs down.

Not everyone actually likes them though and the evening is more adult centred.

It just seems that so many parents have lost their own identity as an individual or couple. Unable to do anything or go anywhere without their children.

Whose family is it? If you then you stay for the evening, your partner goes to the hotel room with the kids for the evening. That’s what we’d do, but it’s not ideal and they should have made that clear sooner.

Just say it no longer works for you now that you've been made aware that the children are not welcome to the whole event. Wish them all the best and cancel the hotel.

So the dc are props for the photos then?

I wouldn't go. It's a pain with childcare and also 5pm is so early that you have to somehow feed your children in the hotel room too. Wouldn't be an enjoyable wedding for any of you.

This is what I mean. WTF?

Not everyone is as enamoured with your DC as you are you know!

This should have been stated on the save the date in my opinion!!

If you really want to go accept, but say you’ll all be leaving at 5 as there’s no one to look after DCs, then either drive back or book a cheaper hotel nearby and go to the cinema or something if your kids will still be awake until late - or go for pizza or something. Alternatively if the venue is not exclusive use, could you go in a different public room with your DCs downstairs and they could still see some of their relatives? It’s all a mish mash, it may be easier just to decline and say why- they might not have thought it through and may extend the DCs being allowed after 5pm if they know that’s why you can’t come

@OverTheGrip What a bizarre and sad attitude you have. No, of course they’re not there as props or to show off to people as you seem to believe for some reason. Apologies for wanting my kids to have enjoyable experiences growing up. They’re both older teens now and still have very fond memories of family weddings when they were younger. Not a nuisance or in the way whatsoever.

It just seems that so many parents have lost their own identity as an individual or couple. Unable to do anything or go anywhere without their children.

I think it's more that there is such an expectation to attend a wedding. This wedding is already costing OP a lot, and the suggestions of what to do with the children all cost extra money (DH takes the kids out for dinner, pay a babysitter at the hotel, pay a babysitter at home).
If there's a chance that not going will cause an argument, and your children aren't invited, that is a stress.
I've gone to two childfree weddings this year (friends of DH) and we had grandparents to look after DDs. If we hadn't then no problem, I just wouldn't have gone but I know no one would have made a fuss about it.
If it's a family wedding where you've got people saying "oh but you have to come!! So and so will be so hurt if you don't!" while you're also trying to find a suitable childcare solution, then it's not surprising people get worked up over it.

Kids are family too. I wouldn't go.

See if it was a cheaper or more local wedding I might be more open to compromise like one parent taking the kids to McDonalds. If I'm spending that much money and time travelling then I'm not.

Obviously we don't all live near family and it's no one's fault that some have to travel but it's fine to decide it's not worth the bother when it's often a lot of bother.

Wow have woken to so many messages! Haven’t got through them all yet but I can see there are two consistent questions:

1. Dinner: kids are NOT invited to dinner. So will be at the ‘reception’ ie the canapés and drinks bit after ceremony. Adults Dinner will be called for at 5 and at that point kids have to leave
2. Those querying how on earth a wedding for 4 people to attend can cost £1300 (minimum!!!):

Hotel bed and breakfast for family of 4 for 3 nights (as previously mentioned, given the distance we would stay for 3 nights): £700

Petrol for 10 hours driving (round trip): £100 at least

Outfits for me, 2 kids inc wedding shoes for girls: £200 (hubby probably just a new tie if required)

Gift: £200

That takes us to £1200. We obviously will have other expenditure while there!!

I think you wouldn’t be unreasonable if you didn’t go, but also you do have options to chose from.

You won’t be the only ones in this predicament surely there will be other children they can hang out with, and as you said they are social so they willanage
for the evening.

So they are there for the photos only!

It's rude and the timing is bizarre - it would make more sense if it were after the dinner and the ban was from say 7 or 8.

Not that there should be a ban at all, surely a family wedding is meant to consist of relatives and friends of all ages.

However it would be a shame to miss out on the good elements- meeting up with family- because of this,

If your DM is also there, could the adults take turns rotating in the hotel room with the DCs? Or indeed are there any other relatives that might be able to help? I'd be happy to duck out for an hour or so of an evening event to help a relative out in this scenario, I find all the noise and people a bit overwhelming anyway. The DCs might enjoy a rotating flow of novel new babysitters.

But this is only if you want to go. I think it's perfectly acceptable in the circumstances to back out because of changes from what you thought was happening. And just like the other thread with no alcohol at the wedding, the no DCs after 5pm should have been flagged up quite early in the planning.

The whole point of a 'save the date' is so people can make arrangements if they need to.

The B & G were very silly not to include that it was a child free wedding on the Save the Date, especially with people travelling.

Oh and my cousin is the groom! 🙈

I'd agree with you if we were talking about nieces and nephews but most people aren't that close to their cousins' children. In this case it sounds like a big family (so expensive for the bride and groom to invite them) and it also sounds like most of the kids will have other grandparents or family locally to babysit.

They probably should have given more notice given there's a precedent but it sounds like it won't be a big problem logistically for most guests so I can understand them not thinking of OP.