A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

It could also seriously sour family relations

Only if the bride and groom are dicks about it. Fine to have a childfree wedding (I prefer not taking my young DDs, and have been to 2 childfree weddings this year), but it's not fine to get arsey if some people therefore can't go.

@lastchristmas80 what's rude is inviting someone to half an event, which is what's happening here. I honestly wouldn't have the conscience to invite someone then say they had to vacate at a certain time while others could stay.

Completely fine not to go and to say why. They don't want kids, ok. Choices have consequences. Their day their rules, but it's an invitation not a summons. In this case, you don't have childcare so you just explain that. Should the possibility of leaving them with a paid babysitter you don't know be raised, explain you're not doing that with your 4 year old.

We actually did go to a wedding where there was a separate room with qualified childcare staff. It was great!

So in your situation@TemporaryName123 I'd message back something like "sounds great thanks, what have you got lined up for the kids then?" as presumably yours aren't the only dc involved. And if she says nothing, that's when you can say sorry, too far for not all of us, no one to have dc etc and you won't be going.

I don't think it's particularly shocking that people enjoy the food, drinks, dancing and talking part more than the ceremony. I can understand it's not for everyone but shocked is quite a reaction.

I'd leave the kids with husband in the evening. Not ideal but better than letting down your cousin at this late notice. You'll still all have a great time.

Bride and groom have messed up by not addressing the Save the date accordingly. It’s for them to make clear who is invited, not to leave it to their guests to make assumptions. That’s just bad management on their account. Can you imagine if the invite turned out to just be for OP after all this time, and excluded her DH?!

Given the cost and travel I would decline and explain why. They won’t bat an eyelid about it. Use the money and go elsewhere with the kids.

I totally agree with this sentiment - the overcomplicated bit is inviting children during the day. Since if they were not allowed to come to either section, one would feel totally clear on what the state of play is. Although this would create an even larger babysitting slot required to attend the wedding.

Have just skimmed the thread so apologies if its been suggested but:

• OP said there are other family kids who will be there who live in the area, could you see what their arrangements are around childcare after the ceremony (OP assumed other family members will be taking care of them) and nicely ask if they could look after your 2? (Cheeky, I know, but maybe if you explain your predicament that you're a long way from home with no childcare and speak to your cousin to put a good word in for you, they might be happy to mind yours for a bit)?
• Is there babysitters/childminders at the hotel you could use?

I agree - it's a strange practice imo.
OP, I'm quite confident the non-cousin parent doesn't want to sit in the room.
I would cancel. If you were closer it wouldn't be an issue as you could drive home early. But you aren't. If cousin wants you at your wedding, they need to be considerate. End of.

I'd be really shocked by that as well,.especially this late. I wouldn't want my husband and kids to disappear into a hotel room at 5pm either. I'd be really sad. I'd message saying, I'm sorry but due to the update, we can no longer attend. We wish you a lovely day. I'd cancel the room and return the dress.

I wouldn't have assumed kids there but in our family kids not invited to cousins weddings but are to siblings that the precedent where as I understand yours different. So that's shitty on behalf of b&g they should have been clear even stated it in the cousins WhatsApp group. Also the worse thing is half inviting them to the boring (for kids) part of the wedding sure the reception is the best part.

Or he could take the kids out and not just stay in the hotel room.

I think 8 weeks before the wedding is too late to let parents know children are excluded from part of the wedding day. They really should have made this clear when the invites went out. As I haven't ever been to a wedding with children where this has happened I would also assume they were there for the whole day. My kids and nieces and nephews have stayed up late for the wedding evening 'do' and it was never a problem - no children acted out or tantrumed, etc.

Sounds like you aren't going to go OP and I don't blame you.

I would do as @JoyeuxNarwhal suggests. I don’t think the couple have thought through this properly.

I do not know what time the evening do begins, but if it’s 8pm, that would feel like a very adult start time to me. I don’t think you can vilify the B&G for wanting their wedding their way, they may have spent 100k on a Claridges cocktail/canapé reception? They may have planned entertainment that isn’t child friendly. You as a guest have every right to say you can’t make it due to childcare.

OP stated that the children have to leave by 5pm, they will miss the dinner and evening celebrations.

Well, the fact that the bride mentioned it seems to indicate that it was a change and if you’re told a save the date, surely then is the time for being clear about who’s able to participate and in what.

YANBU

@lastchristmas80 "having their wedding their way" isn't a get out of jail free card to treat people without consideration.

The cousin is telling you this FAR too late. They should have said this on the save the bloody dates. How stupid and selfish.

Sounds like an afterthought on their part.

I'd send a message about it being too short notice.

Then I'd spend the money on something we could all enjoy.

We’d have dh leave with the kids at 5, take them for a walk, find a playground, go for a pizza, then back to the hotel for board games or films on the telly. Meanwhile I’d be enjoying catching up with my family. I don’t think it’s a big deal really. Dh is perfectly happy entertaining the kids on his own and the kids like hotels and exploring new places.

I’d also seriously consider the other grandad having them for an hour or two to give your dh a little longer at the wedding.

If it’s about the money though, then just cancel.

Do you have relatives local to where you live? All your family will be at the wedding and your Dad lives locally to wedding venue but doesn’t know the kids well. But what about your DH’s family (your in-laws)? Could your DC have a sleepover with their other grandparents/aunties near to home and you and DH do the road trip child free and attend the full wedding together? I get it’s not what you’d envisaged with the kids dancing the night away but they’re not going to get it do that either way and this way would remove them having to awkwardly leave at 5pm and the need for local childcare in the evening. Could also remove some of the cost if new outfits for the kids was on the list.

They haven't (as some posters suggest) been rude by not inviting your kids and you aren't being rude to decline.

They are silly and inconsiderate to only communicate this 8 weeks before but weddings are a lot and very much not about you. Your husband needs to get over the anger.

Is the wedding at the hotel where you are staying? If so just use a babysitter in the hotel room. You'll be very close at hand in the unlikely event that you are needed.

Kids are old enough to be left with a babysitter they don't know.