Tell ds I love him...

[lewissss]

My ex rarely sees our son. He is abusive, not a nice person. Split up 5 months ago.

My son is 6. Doesn't ask about his dad. Goes weeks at a time without seeing him. He seems generally happy and not phased by lack of contact. If anything, his behaviour is much better now his dad isn't around as much.

I do not speak at all to my ex and I only ever reply to any texts with one word answers.

He contacts mostly every week and it's always the same:

'Is ds ok?'
'Yes'
'Tell him I love him'

I never do tell my son his dad loves him as I feel this could cause him confusion and upset.

I feel it's slightly emotionally abusive of my ex to tell me to do this.

Aibu?

Urg, am really torn, dad's from your description is a shit, but is it better for ds to think dad never says he loves him?

I did get a text on new years day asking me to wish ds a happy new year also but again - I didn't.

He could call and tell him that himself. Or he could make the effort to actually see him and tell him face to face - which when ds sees his dad, my ex is very over the top with the whole 'I love you' towards ds. He constantly says it...and then we don't hear anything off him for weeks.

If I felt ds was struggling or was asking after his dad then I would of course reassure ds that his dad does love him. But ds never ever asks for him. Never wants to FaceTime him when it happens so I just sort of go off ds and his reactions and emotions to it all.

He sees him every few weeks. Asks about him regularly and says to tell him he loves him? That's good. I mean the contact is low but it's there (I don't know if it's low because he works away or he cba seeing his son) but he is asking about him in between and wants him to know he is loved.

I don't see any reason not to say daddy messaged me today, he said to say hi and that he loves you'

Cross posted with you. Ignore me.

I never put enough information on in my op - I am such a drip feeder without meaning to be!

It confuses the hell out of me. Right now he's paying no maintenance at all so cms are chasing him. He has sent me messages in the past to say he isn't going to bother with ds anymore. He lives 3 miles away. Self employed locally with a good job on over 1k a week.

I did call the police at the end of the relationship so it has been very rocky between us but I have tried to keep ds well protected in it all.

I don't see any reason not to say daddy messaged me today, he said to say hi and that he loves you'

My kids dad isn’t my favourite person in the world, but he knows if he wants to tell the kids he loves them, read them a story, have a chat about their day etc during waking non-school hours he is welcome to call. And he does every day he doesn’t see them even if it’s less than 5 mins for a quick ‘love you good night’. I do the same when they’re at his, just a quick ‘love you’ means we all sleep a little happier.

The op isn’t his messenger, making up for her useless ex’s inability to parent by saying ‘it’s ok, dad sent me a text to tell you he loves you’. The lad will just realise quicker just how lazy his father is that he can’t even say this to him himself. He has to make the effort for his son, it’s not the OP’s job to make him a better parent.

Love is actions, not words.
I wouldn't fill my child's head with empty meaningless words. I personally think it's confusing and I wouldn't want my child to think this was love.
I would show my child what love is and if they ever asked me questions id be honest in an age appropriate way. But he isn't asking so I wouldn't say anything either!

Personally, I wouldn’t pass that message on. He’s too young to understand and you’re just confirming that his dad’s a good guy by telling him that

As a child of divorced parents, I absolutely would tell my child their father called and loves them.

My parents divorced when I was 4. I lived with my dad but saw my mum every other weekend.

From my own experience, as I got older I wanted both my parents to explain why they had done/said this or didn't do that when I was younger.

It's complicated, but it will be more difficult to make these decisions as he gets older and inevitably asks questions about his father.

Thank you for the replies. Like I say, if ds asked or starting talking about his dad then I would of course tell him his dad loves him.

I feel if I tell him for no reason then I could potentially be opening a can of worms for ds to start asking when he's going to see his dad again etc which I don't have the answers too.

I'm glad most responses have been in agreement with me so far - I felt I am doing the right thing but I do still get that odd feeling of guilt whenever I receive the text from the ex - probably due to the fact I was controlled by him for a long time.

I understand that but we don't have any set arrangements as ex isn't interested in making one. He also has another child he doesn't see (I should have added this in to my op - another thing I forgot) and he is extremely abusive. The sad fact is that he doesn't love my son at all. He loves himself over anyone else.

So I don't see why I should give false hope to my son when he can't even pick up the phone and call himself.

Why would you not tell your child that someone loves them?

Because I don't want my son to then start asking for his dad who he rarely sees. I cant force my ex to see his son. I tried that at the start. I have since had texts off my ex saying he doesn't even want to see his son anymore.

So I'm concerned that if we start talking about daddy then it might lead ds to upset and confusion without a positive result at the end of it.

Contact is open for ex to see ds. He knows this. However the last time ds saw his dad, his dad was hungover in bed and his mum looked after ds for the day. It's not great.

Why are you letting him continue to contact you to pass on messages.
If he wants to know how his son is, then he comes and sees him for himself and steps up.
You are separated and he is abusive. Don't let him keep contacting you to do this. It's lazy of him and passes the responsibility onto you.

Being a crappy father and loving your child are not mutually exclusive. Your son will see his father for the man he is as he grows up but imagine as well as that thinking that he never loved you either.

Also, if he has text you saying he doesn't want to see his son anymore then cut him off and let him go down the route of access without involving you.
He is still controlling and abusing you by sending you these messages

It will bolster your son’s self esteem and view of himself to know that there is another adult out there who loves him.

How children develop their view of themselves is so important to their future mental health.

The fact that he doesn’t talk about his dad means nothing. You don’t know what is ticking away in his head, only to emerge later in adulthood (in therapy?).

You should not keep this from your son. That’s not fair on him. Nothing else needs to happen with his dad - he can just view his dad as a bunch of disembodied messages - but he will count him as a person that loves him.

@IfTheresTeaTheresHope sorry I totally disagree.

I want my son to grow up knowing what it is like to be loved. To feel loved. I also want him to teach him how to give and show love growing up. Not just by a message passed on by me every now and then when his dad can be bothered. That will only confuse him more in my opinion.

If his dad really loved him then we would have a proper visitation agreement set up by now. If his dad really loved him then we would have made the effort to see him over Christmas. To come to his nativity. If his dad really loved him then he would contribute towards the upbringing of his child. He has had all the chances to do this.

I leave him unblocked on my phone so I am not restricting any access.

Fwiw I agree with you OP. He isn't a regular presence in his child's life and it doesn't make sense frequently to upset your child's equilibrium just to pass on empty messages like that.

It's not your job to say if for him! It's his job to make the effort to see him son, and say those words himself! Plus, actions speak louder than words don't they?

So what do I say if ds then starts asking me 'when am I going to see daddy?'

I can't answer this. 3 weeks ago my ex told me he wasn't going to see ds anymore.

Please tell me how I should respond to this because it won't surprise me if it happens.

We are over the tears now from ds. We are over the hitting and kicking and awful tantrums that ds had in the first 4/6 weeks of him not seeing his dad.

He is calmer, happy and genuinely less anxious. I do not want anything to set him back

Do you have any personal experience of having a parent who has zero interest in being your parent?

I don’t think I would pass on the messages either, to be honest.

It is confusing for a young child to have mixed messages like that.

I think, if he asks you directly, then you should reassure him that his dad does love him but in a child’s mind calling is as easy seeing someone so why hasn’t he seen him.

My ex is abusive (was a heavy drinker and was financially and physically abusive towards the end). I had this exact dilemma when we split up about how to talk to her about him.

I had a conversation with my friend’s partner, whose dad was remarkably similar to my ex and he said something which has always stayed with me. He said if your parents split up and then badmouth each other or don’t communicate well you always feel that two parts of your soul are at war with each other.

I resolved at that point that whatever my ex did to me I wasn’t going to allow that to poison the way my DD feels about herself and I have resolutely refused to allow her to see us fight or badmouth each other.

We split up nine years ago and he was horrible to me for the first four or five. But I religiously kept to that rule. And slowly it’s paid off.

We now have a fairly cordial relationship and co parent pretty amicably. He doesn’t support her financially but I no longer need this. My daughter is meh about him. She thinks he’s a bit of a waste of space but still feels something for him because he’s her dad so she tolerates him. She’s come to her own conclusions about him based on his behaviour.

From my point of view this is fine. She’s made her own mind up and I think her view is basically right: he loves her and she knows this and wants to keep him in her life but she knows he’s not dependable or worth a great deal of emotional energy. But I was determined that I was not going to be the one who sowed seeds of self doubt or self disgust based on my personal experience of him. Whatever she feels about him is on him.

I can’t blame you for feeling as you do, its entirely understandable, but I would urge you not to do anything to stop her feeling that she is loved by her father. It is much bigger than just you and him.