Tell ds I love him...

[lewissss]

My ex rarely sees our son. He is abusive, not a nice person. Split up 5 months ago.

My son is 6. Doesn't ask about his dad. Goes weeks at a time without seeing him. He seems generally happy and not phased by lack of contact. If anything, his behaviour is much better now his dad isn't around as much.

I do not speak at all to my ex and I only ever reply to any texts with one word answers.

He contacts mostly every week and it's always the same:

'Is ds ok?'
'Yes'
'Tell him I love him'

I never do tell my son his dad loves him as I feel this could cause him confusion and upset.

I feel it's slightly emotionally abusive of my ex to tell me to do this.

Aibu?

Fair enough, if he's abusive and inconsistent then perhaps you're right to keep quiet for now. See how it all plays out over the next few years.

It's not straight forward but be prepared for questions when he's older. Who knows what his dad will say to him too.

You can only do what you think is best right now for your son so go with your instincts. It's a difficult one.

@Minglingpringle and when the dad rarely shows up and always cancels last minute or even worse completely fucks off? When the child cries and asks when's daddy, when is he coming to see me, why isn't he coming to see me? When they're angry and frustrated and hate their dad but can't say that or feel ashamed of feeling it because they keep being told daddy loves you? When they make little cards and notes but don't have a chance to give because once again he didn't show up? But that's ok cause daddy loves them. Or mummy tbh, I know a few like that too.

Have you ever dealt with children like that? With their pain and anger and shame and guilt?

Yeh and I'm sure OPs son will thank you all for playing god with who does and doesn't cares about him in 20 years. FFS. Just pass the message on and leave it there.

If the son asks questions, that’s a great opportunity for an open and age-appropriate discussion. That’s a good thing.

More often than not, though, children are very good at reading the room and never think to ask for something that is never offered.

More often than not, though, children are very good at reading the room and never think to ask for something that is never offered

💯

I'm sorry you experienced that - that must be horrific. Thank you for sharing.

I think that's what I will tell ds when he starts to ask questions. Which I'm sure he will do.

I've said previously I have never bad mouthed my ex to my son and I never would. Nor will I ever sing his praises.

I have always thought I would tell ds that his dad was was poorly in his head (depending on age) but as contact at the moment is so varied, I just don't say anything at all.

Your post has been helpful to me, thank you.

I didn’t. I was responding to your more general comment.

OP can't just leave it there because it never stops there.

We had the picture he would draw at the start of the separation. He would put them in envelopes and leave them in the drawer until he saw his dad. They have stopped now.

The last time ds saw him, he wrote him a Christmas card. Ex was too hungover to even open it at the time of contact. Ds came out and said 'daddy was sleeping all day so he didn't open my card'

It broke my heart. That is not love.

Just because you pass on the message doesn’t mean you have to gaslight your child into thinking they have a great dad.

You explain, as PP said, that unfortunately Daddy isn’t able to be a proper father.

If you actually talk about it instead of brushing it under the carpet, that anger and frustration can be dealt with out in the open.

So because OP can't just leave it there because it never stops there it's better for her son to think his dad doesn't care or ever have had the time and inclination to ask her to pass on the message. I strongly suspect her son will at best, resent her for withholding a nugget of love because it's too much for her to handle and at worst fucking hate her for it.

You will have to just take it as it comes OP - for every person that thinks they would have loved to hear that from an absent parent, there's another who has been hurt by someone using 'love' as a get out clause for their awful behaviour.

There is no right or wrong, just doing the things your son needs and that can change so quickly that you will need to adapt your approach often anyway. You don't need to decide what to do for the whole future now, just be open to his needs.

Fucking stop it! You should be bloody ashamed of yourself. You may be hurting and, yes, give your opinion by all means, but you have no right to try and make the OP feel like shit. She’s obviously doing the best she can for her child.

And for what it’s worth, you’re not the only person here who had a parent who didn’t give a shit about them. I’m so grateful my mum didn’t do what you’re trying to guilt trip the OP into doing.

I have said if my son was asking about his father then I would reassure him. The time will come when he will ask questions and I will deal with it appropriately then.

My son has not seen his dad in weeks. I have since received a message from my ex that says he does not want to see our son anymore. I am not going to pass any message on just because my vile narcissistic ex asks me too.

Even now, I have left contact open for my ex to see my son. If he chooses not too then it is on him however I am not going to give my son any false promises or even risk upsetting him. If he were to ask he would be reassured. I do ask him frequently if he is ok. I ask him if he has anything on his mind. He is having well being sessions in school and we also have a social worker and my son is getting help through them also. But as I say, he seems and is content - don't try tell me I don't know my own child.

I'm sorry for your experience - it sounds shit. But don't assume all situations will turn out like yours and he will have the same feelings you would do.

My son will know who was there for him.

From experience, please don’t let your DV equate being ‘loved’ with being treated this way by his father and that being ‘loved’ means you accept it. Don’t expose him to more confusion by passing on messages.

Your own love, expressed in words and actions, is enough for your DC.

You don’t need to speak badly of his father, but you also have no responsibility to advocate for him.

@threecupsofteaminimum absolutely vile. Horrible troll.

OP, My son has not seen his dad in weeks. I have since received a message from my ex that says he does not want to see our son anymore. I am not going to pass any message on just because my vile narcissistic ex asks me too.

Weeks is NOTHING in the grand scheme of his life. This can still be resolved, it's very early days and hurt and feelings are raw.

I won't be even reading anymore of your comments. Your view disgusts me

I only get to see my sons EOW now. It has been 50/50 with my ex-husband since they were 3 and 6 but EOW from about 2 years ago.
I still love them more than life itself.
If only they knew.

I wouldn’t tell him. Love is action - time, attention, effort, warmth, care. None of which your DC is receiving from this man. To tell a child they are loved and then to do nothing to make them feel loved is simply gaslighting them.

I would consider saying something like ‘your Dad called and was asking about you - I told him x,y,x good things - I’m so proud of you’.

@Minglingpringle you still don't get it do you?

Yes you can talk and explain and all that. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Kids don't rationalise things the way we do, especially not 6 yos. And it is gaslighting to make them believe they are loved when they are not. Trust me, some of them don't view their mums in a positive light then either.

My mum is so fucking stupid!
Why does my mum lie to me?
You know my dad, yeah, he's a wanker. Sorry Miss but he is. Mum doesn't see it though.

Those are from older kids.

And two really heartbreaking ones from littlies just before Christmas.

Kid:I don't believe in Santa. I know magic and wishes aren't true!
Me: why's that?
Kid: Because I wished before daddy would come and see me and he never did. It never comes true. What's the point?

Kid: Can I make two cards? I want to make one for daddy. If mummy tells him I have something for him for Christmas he might come see me.

Because they're fucking kids and when they love someone they want to see them and be with them and no amount of wishy washy bullshit excuses and gaslighting will ever be enough for them.

Because it doesn't really appear that he does?

Actions speak louder than words