Page 2 | Tell ds I love him...

lewissss · 2024-01-03T22:20:33+00:00

My ex rarely sees our son. He is abusive, not a nice person. Split up 5 months ago. My son is 6. Doesn't ask about his dad. Goes weeks at a time without seeing him. He seems generally happy and not phased by lack of contact. If anything, his behaviour is much better now his dad isn't around as much. I do not speak at all to my ex and I only ever reply to any texts with one word answers. He contacts mostly every week and it's always the same: 'Is ds ok?' 'Yes' 'Tell him I love him' I never do tell my son his dad loves him as I feel this could cause him confusion and upset. I feel it's slightly emotionally abusive of my ex to tell me to do this. Aibu?

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:25

I was a kid from divorced parents and my dad didn't want to know much. You should definitely tell your DS his dad loves him.
I'm certain I wouldn't be so hurt had I ever been told he loved me etc.

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:27

Your son isn't gonna start asking for his dad suddenly. He'll just know his dad cares for goodness sake.

PaperDoIIs · 03/01/2024 23:28

Minglingpringle · 03/01/2024 23:14

It will bolster your son’s self esteem and view of himself to know that there is another adult out there who loves him.

How children develop their view of themselves is so important to their future mental health.

The fact that he doesn’t talk about his dad means nothing. You don’t know what is ticking away in his head, only to emerge later in adulthood (in therapy?).

You should not keep this from your son. That’s not fair on him. Nothing else needs to happen with his dad - he can just view his dad as a bunch of disembodied messages - but he will count him as a person that loves him.

Bullshit. Kids don't feel loved or believe it just because someone tells them so.

They feel loved when someone shows them they love them. By showing up, by being there,by putting them first ,by being consistent, by making them feel safe and secure.

Sure, saying it helps ,but only when it's on a foundation of all those other things, otherwise it's just a complete mind fuck. Never mind the guilt , shame and pressure that you have to love them back because they "do" .

Original poster

lewissss · 03/01/2024 23:30

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/01/2024 23:25

My ex is abusive (was a heavy drinker and was financially and physically abusive towards the end). I had this exact dilemma when we split up about how to talk to her about him.

I had a conversation with my friend’s partner, whose dad was remarkably similar to my ex and he said something which has always stayed with me. He said if your parents split up and then badmouth each other or don’t communicate well you always feel that two parts of your soul are at war with each other.

I resolved at that point that whatever my ex did to me I wasn’t going to allow that to poison the way my DD feels about herself and I have resolutely refused to allow her to see us fight or badmouth each other.

We split up nine years ago and he was horrible to me for the first four or five. But I religiously kept to that rule. And slowly it’s paid off.

We now have a fairly cordial relationship and co parent pretty amicably. He doesn’t support her financially but I no longer need this. My daughter is meh about him. She thinks he’s a bit of a waste of space but still feels something for him because he’s her dad so she tolerates him. She’s come to her own conclusions about him based on his behaviour.

From my point of view this is fine. She’s made her own mind up and I think her view is basically right: he loves her and she knows this and wants to keep him in her life but she knows he’s not dependable or worth a great deal of emotional energy. But I was determined that I was not going to be the one who sowed seeds of self doubt or self disgust based on my personal experience of him. Whatever she feels about him is on him.

I can’t blame you for feeling as you do, its entirely understandable, but I would urge you not to do anything to stop her feeling that she is loved by her father. It is much bigger than just you and him.

The one thing I have done is never ever bad mouthed my ex to my son. I never would do. For contact , FaceTimes I am pleasant and friendly. He continues to be abusive towards me but I no longer react in any way shape or form. I don't speak to him unless I have too. Any horrible messages get ignored.

If ds were to ask about his dad, I would tell him daddy is working and that would be it.

I haven't stopped contact or even tried too. But I can't force ex to see him and I'm certainly not going to try anymore. Again, if ds was asking for his dad then I would think about it but it won't make any difference - his priority is not my son and certainly is his other son who he has not seen for 8 months now.

Ds is my absolute priority here.

OP posts:

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:32

Minglingpringle · 03/01/2024 23:14

It will bolster your son’s self esteem and view of himself to know that there is another adult out there who loves him.

How children develop their view of themselves is so important to their future mental health.

The fact that he doesn’t talk about his dad means nothing. You don’t know what is ticking away in his head, only to emerge later in adulthood (in therapy?).

You should not keep this from your son. That’s not fair on him. Nothing else needs to happen with his dad - he can just view his dad as a bunch of disembodied messages - but he will count him as a person that loves him.

This is how I see it. What hurts more is the deafening silence. I get he can't come and see me because of his wife and their son but Jesus, chuck me a fucking bone.

Minglingpringle · 03/01/2024 23:32

lewissss · 03/01/2024 23:18

So what do I say if ds then starts asking me 'when am I going to see daddy?'

I can't answer this. 3 weeks ago my ex told me he wasn't going to see ds anymore.

Please tell me how I should respond to this because it won't surprise me if it happens.

We are over the tears now from ds. We are over the hitting and kicking and awful tantrums that ds had in the first 4/6 weeks of him not seeing his dad.

He is calmer, happy and genuinely less anxious. I do not want anything to set him back

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You can’t pretend that Daddy doesn’t exist.

You can tell him that Daddy is a troubled and unhappy man. He does love his son but is not good at showing it.

Original poster

lewissss · 03/01/2024 23:33

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:27

Your son isn't gonna start asking for his dad suddenly. He'll just know his dad cares for goodness sake.

So the next time my ex tells me he doesn't want to see him anymore, I'll just lie to my son and say 'daddy loves you'

It feels wrong to me..:

OP posts:

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:34

I didn't say that did I. You're putting hypothetical conversations happening in your head in others mouths.

PaperDoIIs · 03/01/2024 23:34

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:27

Your son isn't gonna start asking for his dad suddenly. He'll just know his dad cares for goodness sake.

He will start because love isn't just words , even 6 yos know that and more than that, they want to see the people they love.

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:36

Not necessarily. I've been living with the rejection of my dad for 46 years, trust me I know the ins and outs of this subject.

Minglingpringle · 03/01/2024 23:36

lewissss · 03/01/2024 23:33

So the next time my ex tells me he doesn't want to see him anymore, I'll just lie to my son and say 'daddy loves you'

It feels wrong to me..:

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You don’t lie. You pass on the message when it’s given.

Original poster

lewissss · 03/01/2024 23:38

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:34

I didn't say that did I. You're putting hypothetical conversations happening in your head in others mouths.

Of course I am thinking of possible repercussions! It's the sensible thing to do. It would be wrong of if I didn't over such a sensitive topic.

I am the only one caring for my son right now and I want to make sure that I am not going to cause him any extra damage or upset that has already been caused by his father just because he has asked me to do something which he cannot even be bothered to do himself.

He's only asking me to do it in order to have some sort of control over me. That's all he has got left over me as I now use the grey rock method on him. He doesn't love my son at all.

OP posts:

PaperDoIIs · 03/01/2024 23:39

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:36

Not necessarily. I've been living with the rejection of my dad for 46 years, trust me I know the ins and outs of this subject.

And i'm really , really sorry you've been hurt and you're still hurting, but please believe .. those empty words with no back up, with no real meaning behind them would've made the rejection even worse. I know it doesn't feel like that though because it's something you wish you had .

nwdx · 03/01/2024 23:41

I'd tell him to tell his son himself

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:43

[[http://[am the only one caring for my son right now and I want to make sure that I am not going to cause him any extra damage or upset that has already been caused by his father just because he has asked me to do something which he cannot even be bothered to do himself.

He's only asking me to do it in order to have some sort of control over me. That's all he has got left over me as I now use the grey rock method on him. He doesn't love my son at all.]].*

It not about you, it's about your son and him knowing his father loves him.

If I'd ever found out my mother withheld messages from my dad saying he loved me it'd be like another knife through the heart, just because it's all about YOU in your mind it isn't to your son.

nwdx · 03/01/2024 23:46

I'm surprised OP is getting so much hate

What is the point in him saying "tell my son I love him" but doing nothing to prove it?

It's just empty words

If he loved him he would make an effort to see him

SemperIdem · 03/01/2024 23:51

nwdx · 03/01/2024 23:46

I'm surprised OP is getting so much hate

What is the point in him saying "tell my son I love him" but doing nothing to prove it?

It's just empty words

If he loved him he would make an effort to see him

I’m not at all surprised.

Carrying the burden of a shit ex goes far beyond just doing it all yourself, for women.

The op must do it all herself whilst also painting her ex as a loving dad who “just can’t be here right now, but loves you”, and if she doesn’t do that, then her ex’s failure to show up, be a dad and any damage that causes the child she’s raised alone is her fault.

Misogyny writ large, again.

Minglingpringle · 03/01/2024 23:51

PaperDoIIs · 03/01/2024 23:39

And i'm really , really sorry you've been hurt and you're still hurting, but please believe .. those empty words with no back up, with no real meaning behind them would've made the rejection even worse. I know it doesn't feel like that though because it's something you wish you had .

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I disagree. I think a few words are better than nothing.

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:52

Trust me, a few words can mean everything.

Minglingpringle · 03/01/2024 23:52

SemperIdem · 03/01/2024 23:51

I’m not at all surprised.

Carrying the burden of a shit ex goes far beyond just doing it all yourself, for women.

The op must do it all herself whilst also painting her ex as a loving dad who “just can’t be here right now, but loves you”, and if she doesn’t do that, then her ex’s failure to show up, be a dad and any damage that causes the child she’s raised alone is her fault.

Misogyny writ large, again.

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It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong. The child comes first.

Kittenkitty · 03/01/2024 23:54

Yeah don’t teach your son that this is what love is, even if you could convince him his Dad loves him, he will still find himself asking why didn’t he love me enough to turn up.

Josette77 · 03/01/2024 23:55

I think telling your ds that his Dad loves him but isn't able to be proper father to him is the way to go.

That's how adoption and foster care works.
My parents were addicts and could not raise me or my siblings.

Did they love us? Absolutely.

Were they mentally ill, selfish, and unstable? Absolutely.

My mom will always choose herself over any of us. She is a fairly shitty person overall.

But she loves me. Some days that matters a lot, and when I was a kid that mattered the most.

SemperIdem · 03/01/2024 23:56

Minglingpringle · 03/01/2024 23:52

It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong. The child comes first.

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The only person who knows the op’s child is the op.

He might become hugely distressed at being told “dad says he loves you”, when he’s not seen him for weeks or months.

Why would you have the audacity to assume the op isn’t putting her child first?

Pallisers · 03/01/2024 23:56

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/01/2024 23:27

Your son isn't gonna start asking for his dad suddenly. He'll just know his dad cares for goodness sake.

But his dad doesn't care. Love is an action not a catchphrase.

And how on earth do you know what the OP"s son will or won't say or ask? If there was a contact agreement in place and the son saw his dad regularly of course the OP should say "oh daddy said goodnight and I love you" but out of the blue telling a kid "dad says he loves you" when the child has no plan to see that parent again and the dad has told the mum he won't see him. Come on - that is worse than useless.

Op is doing the right thing.

Minglingpringle · 03/01/2024 23:57

Kittenkitty · 03/01/2024 23:54

Yeah don’t teach your son that this is what love is, even if you could convince him his Dad loves him, he will still find himself asking why didn’t he love me enough to turn up.

Because Dad is flawed. That’s the reality. You can tell him that (in a kind way, not badmouthing him) and it doesn’t make it any less true that Dad also asked you to tell him that he loves his son.

You are showing him every day what the best kind of love is. He’ll work it out.