Tell ds I love him...

[lewissss]

My ex rarely sees our son. He is abusive, not a nice person. Split up 5 months ago.

My son is 6. Doesn't ask about his dad. Goes weeks at a time without seeing him. He seems generally happy and not phased by lack of contact. If anything, his behaviour is much better now his dad isn't around as much.

I do not speak at all to my ex and I only ever reply to any texts with one word answers.

He contacts mostly every week and it's always the same:

'Is ds ok?'
'Yes'
'Tell him I love him'

I never do tell my son his dad loves him as I feel this could cause him confusion and upset.

I feel it's slightly emotionally abusive of my ex to tell me to do this.

Aibu?

But he isn't fucking loved !!! Yes you would've preferred gaslighting and being lied to. Great! You never got that. Not great. That isn't OP's fault. It's also not OP's responsibility. It's definitely not her job to sacrifice her kid's wellbeing to soothe your pain and what you think you might've wanted as a kid.

I’m not telling you to be ashamed of yourself because you think a kid deserves to know his parent loves him. I’m telling you to be ashamed of yourself because you are clearly projecting your own issues onto the OP.

And you can think I’m an utter cunt if you like. I understand that parents can fuck their children up and that you’re hurting. I hope you find peace. But berating the OP is not the way to get it.

You see them EOW, which is hard.

But you see them so you can tell them - and show them

The OP's ex does neither

@PaperDoIIs

Your waaay off the mark. I'm leaving this to save my sanity as it's really messed with my head. Some of you are very wrong. I guess you'll never listen to anyone else so I don't know why you ask.

Except it appears he doesn't love him

So the OP shouldn't lie

I suggest getting therapy for your issues.

One thing I can be certain of is I will bring my son up to make sure he doesn't project any of his hurt you are certain he will have on to others. Hopefully he will never call someone a 'cunt' just because someone disagrees with him.

I have his back. He is loved. He will know who loved him.

Thanks for your input.

@Nanny0gg I can try. But what decent mother only gets to be with their kids just EOW? How can I truly love them?
I try to hide the pain well.
I think I do a good job.
They think I'm OK, guess that's the main thing right?

You see them, you're there,you're consistent, you wouldn't even entertain the idea of not seeing them ,not even as a joke or a stupid threat in anger. That's enough.

OP and her child don't have that from her ex. They can't rely on him to show up, they can't rely on him to show it.

Why do you think you're not a decent mother? I don't know the reason for the EOW but that isn't necessarily a reflection on you. How often you see them doesn't equal how much you love them

You think you do a good job? Then hold on to that thought

@Nanny0gg It was a punishment from my ex-husband for leaving him (although to be fair to him he made it crystal clear before I left him that if I did he'd leave me homeless and without my kids the majority). Sadly the family courts supported him in this. It was never physical abuse, more like me just having to sleep on the floor and be back before 10pm or locked out, that sort of thing.
I suppose it was a bit silly of me to leave in retrospect but hindsight is always a luxury.

I do my best but financially I can't compete. And that matters, especially to 13 and 16 year-olds.

Their 3 yo half-sister is beginning to struggle with it too, keeps asking for "her boys." Hubby is great but I can see how I feel kills him too 😞

I hate my ex but don't obviously tell the kids that.

I think you should tell your son his dad loves him, but when YOU think it is appropriate to discuss it, not because a text message 'tells' you to.

I understand exactly what you mean about not wanting to bring it up because then he may ask questions which you can't answer, but in all honesty he should be free to ask his questions and have answers to his questions in an age appropriate way he can understand from the person he trusts the most. He shouldn't be afraid to ask about things or think that certain things are taboo for fear of causing upset, which he may be blissfully unaware of now, but he will be aware of sometime in the not too distant future if you're not completely open to discussions about his dad.

He will learn in his own time on his own that his dad is an absolute deadbeat, but at this time in his life with his dad suddenly absent it wouldn't hurt him to know that his dad still thinks about him and says he loves him, rather than think his dad has just buggered off and doesn't think of him at all, but I can understand why that turns your stomach, it's going to be a no win situation for you for a while unfortunately.

So you think the OP should lie?

In what way?

The dad does message and does say he loves him on the message, so that's not a lie, OP doesn't want to raise it for fear it may lead to more questions, or make the child think the dad is a nicer person than he is, completely understandable.

My point is, the questions about his dad are going to come up and they will need to be answered in a way that he can understand, in a way that doesn't talk badly about his dad, but doesn't give false hope either, or make him think the dad is something he's not and never will be. The boy should feel he can ask his mum anything though, she'll be walking that fine line for years to be as honest as she can whilst also protecting him.

But no I don't think she should outright lie, lying by omission (leaving out all the awful things that a 6 year old has no need to know about) would be a more fitting way of describing it.

@WhereIsBebèsChambre talk is cheap. In fact, these days is free. Dad can actually spend time with son and SHOW he loves him.

As a child of divorced parents where one was not really interested in us and popped in and out of our lives randomly with little contact in between I wouldn't tell him. The words only prolong the hurt, being told a parent that can't be arsed with you most of time loves you is really confusing. It undermines you feeling of security that someone who 'loves' you can treat you this way. It's different if they're a reliable presence in their child's life. Really the very very least a parent can do is call for 5 minutes once a week and say hi and I love you directly to their child. He can't even manage that.

@sandyhappypeople

so given she shouldn't lie to her DS presumably in your world she should tell him 'Daddy doesn't want to see you' or do you just think she should tell him that Daddy loves him, he lives 5 minutes away but doesn't see him.

The kid is 6, not stupid.

My parent popping in and out of our lives and BS I love you's before disappearing for months and years at a time hurt me most. I think I would have been way better off if they'd just left the first time. Given the posts from people who'd been in similar but slightly different situations with their shitty parent I'd conclude that it hurts and it's shit no matter what.

OP isn't bad mouthing the Dad and is leaving the door open for contact, she is doing her best and she knows her son. It sounds like she's keeping her own feelings out of her decisions here and since she knows her son and we don't and since there's no general consensus on the answer here I think it's best if OP does what she feels is right for her son.

Yes one day she might have to explain this to him and justify her choices. He might feel hurt or mad about those choices, he may transfer the hurt about his Dad's behaviour on to her. There isn't any choice that can guarantee the best outcome for her DS. What OP can do and seems to be doing is centering her child in her decisions and trying to do her best by him. That's really the only thing any parent can do in a situation like this.

I go thru something similar yet opposite. My dd ding bat father only messages me to try to start fights. Never asks about her. I lie at times and say dad says he loves you. Because the idea of her hurting rips my heart out

@lewissss

you are doing the right thing, for the right reasons

hang on hard to that!!

"So I'm concerned that if we start talking about daddy then it might lead ds to upset and confusion without a positive result at the end of it. "

Your DS going to feel like this regardless of whether you pass on the message op. Not talking about it is just going to mean he internalises his feelings. Don't shy away from talking about his Dad because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

"So what do I say if ds then starts asking me 'when am I going to see daddy?'

Just be honest.

Yes agreed.

YANBU.
its meaningless empty words

i would consider breaking your one word rule and saying tell him “tell DS yourself when you next see him”

I'd love too but it could only cause more drama from him.

I did the freedom programme last year and we leaned how to respond to people like my ex. They just want a response. Any will do - even if it's negative. Replying with any sort of emotion gives him the satisfaction that he's still getting to me so I refuse to do it.

It is hard at times though!

Ah it's so difficult OP.
i mean, i can completely see why you want to protect your son from disappointment and not raise his hopes. Does your ex have a history of using words to try and manipulate things? I think of so (and it sounds like he does) don't second guess your instinct to not say anything for now.
you just need to be aware that he could accuse you of not passing messages onto his on and therefore 'alienating him'. This would be inaccurate since you want him to have contact. Alienation would be if you were actively turning son against dad and blocking visitation which you are not doing. You're just trying to protect him in an uncertain situation.