To make my 23 year old daughter tidy her room?

[Lola4545]

My daughter’s room is a pigsty. She has a lovely big room with an en suite bathroom. We moved in 2 years ago to the house which was a new build. After the pigsty she would leave her room in previously, she convinced my husband and I that she would appreciate the fact the house was brand new and she was excited to have her own bathroom. More fool us. My son is 18, has a smaller bedroom which is immaculate. The en suite is technically a Jack and Jill bathroom so although he could use my daughter’s bathroom, he doesn’t. He’s happy to use the main bathroom. Now, my daughter’s en suite is disgusting. Used shampoo and shower gel bottles all in the shower which has black grimy and slimy filth in the corners of the standing tray. Her bedroom is also terrible. She has takeaway boxes hidden in her wardrobe, plates under her bed, cups going mouldy. We’ve said no eating in the bedroom but she’s sneaking stuff up there when we’re not in. I’m now thinking of stopping her boyfriend coming over until everywhere is tidy and letting my son use the en suite instead. Is this fair do you think? Or should she have her own bathroom? Or should I just not go into her room and let her live in filth if she wants to? I’m so upset over this and would appreciate advice. I know I’ve probably been to soft on her and I’m mad at myself for this.

Does she pay rent?
If not your house your rules end of story.
Unfortunately you can't force her to clean the room you can give her her marching orders then she can go live as she sees fit in her own home.
Banning BF till its clean may work. Good luck

Does she work? Is she paying board? I would be inclined to charge extra and use it to pay for a deep clean, after that if it deteriorates again I would be speaking to her about a time scale for moving out.

@Greenflamesburn thanks for the reply. She doesn’t pay rent. She dropped out of uni and works part time in the same job she’s had since she was 18.

She needs to be working full time and moving out then, unless she respects your home and house rules. My children knew the rule was that you are learning or earning and paying your way. She has opted out of education so time to get a job and take on adult responsibilities.

Sit her down with the rules. If she doesn't like them present her with a bill of what it will cost to live in your house under her own rules.
She needs to enter the real world. What are her future plans. How does she plan to live on the part time wage when she moves out. Is she saving for a house.

This is a lot bigger than just her messy bedroom. She’s 23 years old, works part time and seemingly has no drive or will power to want to better herself and do something with her life. Is she depressed or has she literally been able to get away with sailing through life doing nothing?

Start charging her rent and tell her if the room and en suite isn’t cleaned you will hire someone and be expecting her to cover the cost. It’s your house and you’re in charge, start acting like it.

I don't see what rent has to do with it anyway.

Paying a bit towards the bills doesn't give her the right to potentially cause a pest infestation.

YANBU.

She only works part time, doesn't pay rent, and thinks its okay to trash your new house? If she was 17 it'd be one thing, but at 23???

From the title I was going to say yabu but no, you're not.

You need a final discussion on the rules for her staying under your roof. No food in the bedroom plus a tick list of cleaning tasks to be done weekly. It doesn't have to be tidy but it must be clean.

I would consider locking the door to her ensuite and giving it to your son, yes you'll have to clean up after her in the family bathroom but you'd be preventing expensive damage.

She needs to pay rent which you can use to employ a cleaner. If not, she leaves. At 23 the mollycoddling needs to stop.

You really aren't helping her.

Unless there's a backstory of e.g. severe mental ill-health then you're really doing her no favours. Why doesn't she work full-time? Start charging her a market rent (even if you save it to give her as a deposit in the future - but don't tell her you're doing it) and basic house rules about hygiene etc, or she can move out. You've created a spoilt woman-child.

Why doesn’t she work full time? Some people have children at her age and you are still babying her! A new build bathroom has been ruined , and she is being disrespectful to you and her brother. Why are you scared of her?

I gave 23 DS at home, working and making a contribution. His room is not exactly tidy, but he brings glasses and plates down when reminded, and the en-suite bathroom is kept ok.

If your DD was mine, I’d give her a good talk and a deadline. If no improvement, lock the bathroom so she can’t access it, and clean it yourself. Your DS now uses it and she has to use the family one. Any rubbish left around gets binned.

I literally despair at what I hear on Mumsnet about adults in their 20s treating parents like absolute mugs. I’m 26, so it’s not like I’m a granny making sweeping generational judgements.

Living at home at that age can be infantilising if it’s allowed. I’ve seen it in full glory myself amongst friends, and I tell you, nothing changes when they get to 26 or even 30 either. Why aren’t you asking her to move out if she can’t behave like the grown adult she is under your roof?

As above - stop the mollycoddling and put some rules in place. If she behaves like this in a house share the others will hate her.

@Lola4545
I would take the room of her and give it to your son, why should she benefit from an en-suite if 1) she doesn't respect it 2) dosnt pay you a penny so time to start putting your foot down, I lived at home to much older not by choice and would never dreamed of disrespecting my parents rules, was there house I was just a lodger.

Could there be an underlying issue causing her extreme messiness, like ADHD or depression? Does she have any issues with personal hygiene too? Would she like some help building the habit of doing micro cleaning activities throughout the day? Most people don't really want to live in mess. She may be overwhelmed at this point. Either way, if you're content to have your young adult child still living at home I think you need to agree some boundaries you're both willing to stick to whilst allowing her some control and autonomy in her home. E.g. she must prevent infestation by not leaving dirty plates around and conducting basic batbroom cleans, but is the huge pile of laundry and makeup strewn everywhere really doing anyone any harm? I feel banning the boyfriend is infantalising and could lead to risky behaviours. A hardline but more direct consequence of her failing to stick to reasonable boundaries would be that you will ask her to move out. Note. my reference here is the last few years living at home being miserable for the same reason, daily or weekly screaming from my mum damaged our relationship for many years. I was eventually diagnosed with ADHD in my mid thirties and while I desire (and often succeed) to live in clean spaces as an adult, I had to come to this myself and still find it extremely hard to maintain.

23? Not paying rent? I'd go apeshit tbh. You're not doing her any favours either - she needs to grow up, or she'll still be there in 10/20 years.

Does her partner even want to go in there?

You are flighting a loosing battle. Nothing you will do and say will make her tidy.

The only thing that made me change my pigsty ways were when I was 27 and trying to sell my first home. It took 5 months and we had viewings most weeks. I had to get used to living and functioning at show home level of tidy. Which is something that my mother never managed to persuade me to do.

@Greenpotato87 i also have ADHD and I struggle massively to keep on top of my house, but I manage clean/cluttered. ADHD is not an excuse for living in excessively dirty conditions when you have one room. Yes, ADHD makes it more difficult, but we’re not these poor helpless people who can’t try new methods to cope. There’s a big difference between having a messy room and not doing anything at all to help yourself. It’s learned helplessness if you can’t keep your room at your parents’ tidy, but can manage your own independent living space.

WhateverMate · Today 10:57

I don't see what rent has to do with it anyway.
**
Paying a bit towards the bills doesn't give her the right to potentially cause a pest infestation”

Absolutely, this. Our youngest pays nominal rent/towards utilities. There’s no question of him not looking after his room/cleaning up after himself/cooking for us all sometimes.

You’re doing your daughter no favours by tolerating her disrespect towards your home.

You are flighting a loosing battle. Nothing you will do and say will make her tidy.

Oh I don't know.

"You've got one month to move out, you lazy slob", has a certain ring to it.

I have a dd same age. She has asd and adhd. Her room and en suite sound the same. She works full time and refuses to pay rent . Has been sectioned now twice as if we push any rules she self harms and threatens suicide and has complete breakdowns . Spends all her wages immediately on impulse buys and has huge debt . I can’t offer any advice but I understand how hard things can be

I’d be furious that a brand new en-suite has black mould around it from not being cleaned, that will never look as good now. Agree, deep clean, move son into room and en-suite and her to the smaller room, she can’t look after nice things, she doesn’t get to ruin them. Definitely charge her keep, she will have to up her hours or get another job. She’s a grown woman not a teenager.