To make my 23 year old daughter tidy her room?

[Lola4545]

My daughter’s room is a pigsty. She has a lovely big room with an en suite bathroom. We moved in 2 years ago to the house which was a new build. After the pigsty she would leave her room in previously, she convinced my husband and I that she would appreciate the fact the house was brand new and she was excited to have her own bathroom. More fool us. My son is 18, has a smaller bedroom which is immaculate. The en suite is technically a Jack and Jill bathroom so although he could use my daughter’s bathroom, he doesn’t. He’s happy to use the main bathroom. Now, my daughter’s en suite is disgusting. Used shampoo and shower gel bottles all in the shower which has black grimy and slimy filth in the corners of the standing tray. Her bedroom is also terrible. She has takeaway boxes hidden in her wardrobe, plates under her bed, cups going mouldy. We’ve said no eating in the bedroom but she’s sneaking stuff up there when we’re not in. I’m now thinking of stopping her boyfriend coming over until everywhere is tidy and letting my son use the en suite instead. Is this fair do you think? Or should she have her own bathroom? Or should I just not go into her room and let her live in filth if she wants to? I’m so upset over this and would appreciate advice. I know I’ve probably been to soft on her and I’m mad at myself for this.

Your daughter needs an autism assessment. This whole situation is screaming autism to me (I am autistic)

You two previous posts that list her behaviours are literally a tick box list of autistic traits in women. Definitely worth looking into. Autistic girls are often sociable and often struggle with the transition to Secondary. They can be academically gifted but massively struggle with the school environment which has knock on effects. Just because they are academically gifted doesn't mean they 'get' regular everyday things which seem obvious. You can be academic with or without autism and struggle with executive functioning and all sorts of other areas. I think you need to observe her, is she willfully lazy? Is something else going on? If there is there is no excuse to live in a pig-sty but she may need a different approach to maintaining cleanliness.

I know she's 23 but try breaking down the task of "tidy your room" into manageable bitesize tasks (the Goblin tools website has a tool for this) with a frequency expectation on it and print it out somewhere she can see it in her room, possibly laminate it so she can tick off when she's done things.
Daily - Dirty clothes in laundry basket
Daily - crockery taken downstairs and washed up/loaded into dishwasher
Weekly - Dust surfaces
Weekly - Hoover floor

My daughter is happy to help as long as things are broken down for her and fit her needs IE she'll hoover and do the dishwasher but needs noise cancelling headphones to block out the noise.

If you get her a basket this is still you enabling her. Both of you go together to buy a basket of cleaning supplies she can keep in the bathroom get her to choose them therefore start some ownership and buy in.

Work together to make a cleaning list that she does step by step therefore she doesn’t feel overwhelmed
For example

1. Remove rubbish
2. All cups and plates to the dishwasher
3. Change sheets

I agree she sounds like she is on the autism spectrum however as others have said that means she needs more support in how to manage things for her not for mummy to do it

I would get the bathroom professionally cleaned, then lock her side of the door so it cannot be used and give it to the son only.

Then tell her she needs to be looking for full time employment and somewhere else to live.

23 years of lax parenting coming home to roost?

Given your description, OP, i wonder why in however many years of school and uni nobody professional has suggested testing for ADHD or autism?

I would investigate that. But. I would swap their rooms over. It is deeply unfair that your son has the small room.

DD needs to do some decluttering when she moves, and the bathroom gets allocated to DS. Your DD needs to learn strategies to get on top of, and stay on top of, daily life. Therapy might help?

I hope it makes you feel good posting that Whistpie because it doesn’t help the op in the least.

@Brefugee my daughter told me once that her college tutor asked her if she’d ever been tested for ADHD and told her she displayed similar traits to her own daughter. I’m ashamed to say now that I just dismissed it with a bit of a ‘everyone’s got ADHD these days’ attitude.

don't feel bad - although from your descriptions she does sound quite extreme - one of my DCs was tested on entering secondary school as part of a project to target help/strategies at children with ADHD. We were told "nope, no signs at all" and while the class they made of the 15 kids did have one girl - i wonder if (this was 17 years ago now) they just weren't aware that girls present differently because she has just been diagnosed as having ADHD as an adult.

The main thing is now to support her getting a diagnosis - and even without it, a lot of the strategies women with ADHD use to get through the day would probably help your DD.

But i do think that she does need to change rooms with your DS. It can be a good opportunity, aside of anything else, for her to declutter. That is one of the main things that helps.

No need to feel ashamed, OP. That won’t help you move forward. Just try to focus on the future. Easier said than done, I know.

Just think: you might be within reach of a solution!

From family experience only, your DC sounds like she is on the Spectrum.
She needs help & understanding not being ejected from her safe place.
Her thoughts & actions are not ‘between the lines’.
We have helped our family member through patience & understanding. The first step is a visit to GP. If this is not available & you have means, contact privately.

I still think the DS deserves to have the bigger room - he would probably have it if DD had stayed at uni (that would have been fair) and moving rooms would really help DD sort out her stuff, where it should go etc. She also doesn't deserve the bathroom - ND or not, that is another issue - since she doesn't use it properly and is causing actual damage.

It is all well and good pp being lovely and sympathetic to the DD - but there is another person here who needs to be considered.

OP - I think you might have always suspected that your DD might be on the autistic spectrum. My son was diagnosed at 14 (he also has other things going on). It was useful to know but support is limited. Also at 23 it really would not be your decision to seek a diagnosis- that is with your daughter. However it might be time to accept that she needs more support. That is unless you truly believe her to be lazy and difficult. Small steps, clear plan. If it is the bedroom then you sort it together and then plan to keep it reasonable. Accept you will need to keep reminding - and that she is keeping on top of it. I would look for progress with her education if only gradual - she needs to keep moving forward. Also getting out of the house - would she join a gym with you? Just ideas and if you are real (because who knows?) Good luck.

Imo she doesn't deserve it and I'd give her a month to sort her head out or it'll be taken from her and given to her brother.

If she's not happy about that then she can move tf out and learn how to adult. People say just leave shit and shut the door but that just means issues get missed. Insects, vermin, damage that's not identified.

I did read something where someone sprinkled some sort of seed that looked like mouse droppings in their kids room. That worked canny.

You can't diagnose someone from an internet post....but this ticks several boxes for autism. Not sure how open she would be to exploring a diagnosis but might be a helpful first step in understanding how to engage behaviour changes/ help her see what is and isn't within the range most people would consider reasonable!

The bigger problem is the fact she’s 23 years old, only working part time and not paying rent. She should be working full time and paying her way, she isn’t a child. Definitely should be keeping her room tidy too, that goes without saying. She needs some direction and responsibility in life.

I have a 23 year old living at home. She's had an ADHD diagnosis since she was 6. She was messy as a teen and isn't the tidiest person now, but she does make the effort to keep her room clean. Sometimes she asks for help to get started as she feels overwhelmed, although usually it appears worse to her than it actually is. And she always cleans up when her friends or bf come over. We redecorated her room and bought new furniture for her a few years ago. That made her proud of her room, as OPs dd should be.

Other than ADHD as a possibility, could she be depressed OP? Dropping out of uni and doing the part time job she had at 18 sounds like she's got herself into a despondent state, with no life goals to aim for. I suggest you try to involve her in a solution before coming down hard. E.g. she could choose between cleaning the ensuite, paying for it to be cleaned or having no access to it. Ditto re the cleaning for the room. Does she need daily chores laid out for her?

It's a bit harsh to simply jump to some of the suggestions made already. If you have just been complaining with no follow through, then its partly down to you too.

My dd is the same, but leaving her to fester is hardly helpful. I have to gently prod my dd all of the time. I help her by reminding her of her routine, set alerts, experience order and cleanliness. She never closes cupboards or puts anything away. Can’t always remember to brush teeth. I am very patient; but I am exhausted by it day in and day out for 16 years.