To make my 23 year old daughter tidy her room?

[Lola4545]

My daughter’s room is a pigsty. She has a lovely big room with an en suite bathroom. We moved in 2 years ago to the house which was a new build. After the pigsty she would leave her room in previously, she convinced my husband and I that she would appreciate the fact the house was brand new and she was excited to have her own bathroom. More fool us. My son is 18, has a smaller bedroom which is immaculate. The en suite is technically a Jack and Jill bathroom so although he could use my daughter’s bathroom, he doesn’t. He’s happy to use the main bathroom. Now, my daughter’s en suite is disgusting. Used shampoo and shower gel bottles all in the shower which has black grimy and slimy filth in the corners of the standing tray. Her bedroom is also terrible. She has takeaway boxes hidden in her wardrobe, plates under her bed, cups going mouldy. We’ve said no eating in the bedroom but she’s sneaking stuff up there when we’re not in. I’m now thinking of stopping her boyfriend coming over until everywhere is tidy and letting my son use the en suite instead. Is this fair do you think? Or should she have her own bathroom? Or should I just not go into her room and let her live in filth if she wants to? I’m so upset over this and would appreciate advice. I know I’ve probably been to soft on her and I’m mad at myself for this.

Practically speaking, you can’t monitor a 23 year old for every minute of their life. Many of them stay up late. The op has already said her dd sneaks food upstairs while they are out of the house. What do you suggest she does? Install security cameras?

Nice use of sarcasm 😉

No, at this point there haven't been any real conversations about boundaries and consequences. There needs to be. You've offered some stellar advice around how to handle this if the daughter isn't NT but with what we have to go on I don't think we can armchair diagnose.

I thought you approved of sarcasm seeing as you used it? 😉

Actually if you read my posts properly, the bulk of the advice I offered centres around the dd’s potential ND.

And there’s a distinct difference between armchair diagnosis and encouraging someone to seek professional advice.

Do you want a 46 year old DD still living with you and acting like this?

Because this is my SIL, she did move out for a short period but got into finical problems and Inlaws always bailed her out. Until she moved back home permanently. She still acts like a teenager now and my 16 year old DD thinks she's immature.

Inlaws have always caved as she would have a strop so she's never grown up. You need to show some tough love and treat her like an adult she either cleans up or moves out. You are doing her no favours in the long run. I'm sure SIL couldn't look after herself if she tried now as shes been molly coddled for to long.

@Greenpotato87 I have ADHD. I can't clean to any reasonable schedule, so I pay a cleaner.

From this in addition to her temper explosions and the fact that you're frightened of her, I'd say there is something else running in the background, and you need to get some professional support to identify what, and then work out a way for her to be able to function more reasonably as an independent adult in the world.

@Centwafer i’ve never really thought of autism. Maybe depression. She does do other things I sometimes find a bit odd. She doesn’t read that often but if she does, she will read it over and over. She once read an autobiography over and over for about 2 years. She will watch certain films over and over and recite lines from movies and TV shows. I always just found that funny snd she can do the accents perfectly. She can recite past addresses, car reg plates, the register of her primary school class in alphabetical order and the d.o.b of all the classmates. She loses her mind if we make arrangements and then change them. My son just goes with the flow so I did find these outbursts difficult at times. If she asks what I’m doing for the day and I say nothing then my friend calls snd we go for coffee she will get agitated and say ‘you said you were doing nothing’. Now I have to say ‘not sure what my plans are, I might go out or I might stay in’. I also make sure she is informed of plans and changes via WhatsApp groups etc so she knows what’s going on else she will kick off. I’ve just always tried to manage this behaviour as best I can. I don’t know. I have made her sound awful today but she is honestly the funniest person I know at times and she is so kind to the people she values and she is lovely with animals. My friends love her, she has always preferred to be with me and my friends or older family members rather than her peers, but don’t know if that’s just her personality preferring older people. I appreciate your advice.

A 23 year old, disrespectful, freeloader.
Time she grew up!! Stop enabling her behaviour and set some rules.
If she doesn't like them she can get her own place and move out.

Autism sounds vv likely to me from your last post, OP.

Textbook, op!

She is taking advantage and being a slob. She doesn’t get to do that in your home.

As usual, I see ridiculous excuses being suggested for her behaviour. Being depressed is not a reason to turn a home into a slum.

Put your foot down as you are doing her no favours right now. It’s time she grew up.

WOW🤔

I have an 22 year old son who is similar in a lot of ways. Except that he works full time and pays rent. I also suspect he is on the autistic spectrum but it's only become more apparent as he's older. We've had conversations about it but he has no interest in being tested.
With his room, we realised he was overwhelmed so we helped him to have a huge sort out. It's still not great but we regularly remind him to do smaller, more manageable clean ups (specific things like "bring all your rubbish down" or "change your bedding") but only one thing at once. Then, every so often, we help him to do it properly.
My other dc don't need this input but he does. Some may thing we're babying him but it helps him, it helps us to not get frustrated and so everyone is happy 🤷🏼‍♀️

She definitely needs an ASD assessment. It's c £1500 to get done privately. I don't think you can wait 2+ years for an nhs one.

Her life is slipping away.

You both need to read up on asd traits and how to manage independent living.

Working part time at 23 isn't inherently bad - it depends on the number of hours you're doing. 8 hours a week job? Yeah, that's not gonna cut it. 30 hours a week? Not so terrible.

I agree she should be paying rent, doing household chores and keeping her room to a good standard though.

@Ahsoka2001 it’s about 20.

@heartofglass23 that comment “her life is slipping away” devastates me because I know it’s true. I’m a bit lost and feel absolutely terrible that I’ve perhaps not noticed some major things.

I agree. It definitely needs ruling out anyway.

Maybe a silly question, but does she actually know how to clean properly?

Could you offer to do it together for the first time and get it looking really nice. Then insist she cleans it once a week on a certain day. Keep a small box of cleaning basics in there - spray, cloth, small squeegee etc, pedal bin liners (assuming she has a bin, if not then she should have one), antibacterial wipes for cleaning just the toilet (to be binned, not flushed obviously). If storage is an issue then a freestanding small shelf unit can house things.

I get how posters will say you shouldn't have to, and you shouldn't have to. However sometimes hands-on encouragement can get things started.

I would swap her bedroom and en-suite with you DS.

Charge a percentage of her wages and she needs to work full time.

If she doesn’t like it, kick her out.

She is being so entitled it makes me want to vomit. 🤮

All these adults being mollycoddled all the time. It’s pathetic, well past when she should have grown up..

OP,

I still don’t like armchair diagnoses but a psychological assessment sounds more urgent with each update you post.

Best wishes to your family

@Satincat well this is the other thing, occasionally, she will blitz the kitchen (it will look and smell amazing) and lounge for me, walk our 3 dogs and bake a cake all in one day. It’s like she is in the zone and is so on it!

@poetryandwine thank you for your kind words. I know I have to take action here. We can’t live like this.

@Satincat that’s great advice keeping all the cleaning stuff nearby. Thank you, I’m going to get her a little basket of stuff together tomorrow.

Agree with the posters saying she would benefit from a neuropsychological assessment.

You sound like a good mum OP... don't blame yourself for missing things or her life slipping away. You have been supportive, calm and loving.