To make my 23 year old daughter tidy her room?

[Lola4545]

My daughter’s room is a pigsty. She has a lovely big room with an en suite bathroom. We moved in 2 years ago to the house which was a new build. After the pigsty she would leave her room in previously, she convinced my husband and I that she would appreciate the fact the house was brand new and she was excited to have her own bathroom. More fool us. My son is 18, has a smaller bedroom which is immaculate. The en suite is technically a Jack and Jill bathroom so although he could use my daughter’s bathroom, he doesn’t. He’s happy to use the main bathroom. Now, my daughter’s en suite is disgusting. Used shampoo and shower gel bottles all in the shower which has black grimy and slimy filth in the corners of the standing tray. Her bedroom is also terrible. She has takeaway boxes hidden in her wardrobe, plates under her bed, cups going mouldy. We’ve said no eating in the bedroom but she’s sneaking stuff up there when we’re not in. I’m now thinking of stopping her boyfriend coming over until everywhere is tidy and letting my son use the en suite instead. Is this fair do you think? Or should she have her own bathroom? Or should I just not go into her room and let her live in filth if she wants to? I’m so upset over this and would appreciate advice. I know I’ve probably been to soft on her and I’m mad at myself for this.

Not at all unreasonable. Especially as it’s not just untidy but literally dirty. Leaving all the used plates and take out boxes around could cause rodents. Really disgusting.

She’s old enough to find her own place if she doesn’t respect yours. Start charging her rent (if you can afford to, keep it separate for her so she can have it back to use towards a deposit when she gets her own place- but don’t tell her this so she learns some independence). She really needs a kick in the backside to motivate her to turn things around. Uni certainly isn’t the answer for everyone and I wish it wasn’t encouraged for everyone, there are so many vocational courses which lead to good jobs she could do which suits many people (like me) so much better.

In the short term, you could also tell her you’ll switch her bedroom and en-suite with her brother if she doesn’t start respecting the space, and/or get a cleaner in and charge her the fee.

You have brought this on yourself, and you are doing her no favours.

This! I noticed the ADHD assessment from a PP right at the start. OP DD is having a laugh, working part time, no board and filling her face with takeaways.

OP step up, set the rules, she needs to start acting like the adult she is.

Absolutely THIS

Your "D"D is taking the piss out of You big time

😆😆
Me too
Mind You, I was not 23

Just a different perspective here, my room wasn't messy, I was very clean and tidy and took pride in my space.
However, my mum encouraged me to move out and move in with my boyfriend, I was mid twenties. We are a close knit family.

It was a shock but honestly it was the best thing.
I was always super organised so sorting things like tenancy, bills etc wasn't an issue really but I still learnt a lot.

I was lucky in that I had a full time, decent job with prospects to work my way up a ladder. My mum helped pay the flat deposit and first set of rent to help get us going.

There was a time where I couldn't imagine living anywhere else, but now, I couldn't stand living back home!

You need to encourage her to stand on her own two feet. She needs to learn independence, manage life, a home, life 'admin' etc or she'll never leave. Having to pay rent and manage her money is also an important life skill, she's not doing that at all and at 23, she really should be more aware.
You can charge her rent so she gets used to it, but I'd also encourage her to move out. Maybe in with her boyfriend or friends.

Isn't it about time her brother had the nice room anyway. It's not fair that the older sibling gets the best room automatically it should be swapped from IME to time.

But overall I agree it does her no favours not to make demands on her. She's old enough to look after things properly.

DS gets the room with the en suite, as we can't have nice things if we aren't able to look after them.

Stop doing her washing, tell her that the rooms are being swapped over on Sunday and anything that looks like it needs chucking will be chucked in the move.

Decide on a fair financial contribution you want from her (by looking at rooms to rent nearby online rather then her part time earnings), set a date and stick to it. Tell her there will be a room inspection with 24 hours notice periodically and if she can't keep it in a reasonable state (you get to define reasonable, it's you're house) then she is welcome to rent elsewhere.

I'm repeating others but how do you feel this is helping her? You are doing her no favours by allowing her to live like this, she's 23 and if you both dropped dead tomorrow it sounds like she wouldn't cope with life, and she's a grown woman! This won't change without a kick up the arse, you need to take action OP.

I have two adult children, and it is absolutely fucking insane that you are allowing your daughter to live this way under your roof.

Come on now. Pull the stick out and take control here. Gut the room and throw every single thing in there in a skip if you need to. This is ridiculous.

True, neither was I. By 23 I was married with a mortgage....

At 23 I had graduated uni, was renting my own place (with partner)and about to get married. Sounds like some tough love may be needed or she will never learn to live in the real world.

Wow that's so bad the way she's behaving. Not normal at all for a 23 year old.

I’d give her a month to get sorted out or she’d have to move out.

her complete lack of respect for you and your home is absolutely outrageous

@GoldDuster from reading these comments, I do feel like I’m enabling her. She struggles with relationships/ friendships/ motivation and I guess I’ve just tried to protect her over the years by tidying her room for her, allowing her to give up hobbies and sports too easily if she’s had fallouts with people associated with that activity. I keep doing things thinking it will help her but I end up making it worse I think. I’ve always encouraged good hygenie and keeping her room tidy but whilst it worked with my son, it doesn’t seem to be working with her.

if it was just clothes all over the place I'd leave it

But as it's food related and clearly she doesn't clean the bathroom I'd be having strong words

It's your house and she needs to respect it

And however little she earns I think (I know most of MN won't) that she needs to pay 'keep'. It can be a minimum amount and what you do with it is up to you but she needs to contribute.

Does she ever help you? Cook? Washup? Washing?

Who pays for her phone etc?

From someone who has ADHD but manages it well, I'd get her checked for ADHD.

@Aquamarine1029 I’ve just tried to speak with her and she accused me of being unreasonable in my approach. I said ‘we need to have a chat about your room’. I’m a really calm person overall so I know this was more just a defence thing from her. She shouted that she was ‘just about to do it’ and ‘what’s the problem if I’m going to do it’. Someone said in the comments why was I afraid of her and I suppose I am in way when she loses her temper. I don’t know what to do but I know I need to toughen up with her. You’re right, it is ridiculous that I’m letting her get away with this.

It wouldn't happen again because I mean it.

This adult would be moving right out of my house in a month.

She's 23, pays no rent and has an en suite?
You're far, far too soft on her in so many ways!

Learn to use the word 'no'. Set deadlines and stick to them.
Tough love needed here or else she is going to be a incapable adult leeching off you for as long as she can.

Then you tell her to go get it done now! She'd be eating her words if she took that attitude with me at 23.
If its not done make there be a consequence.

I'd start by canceling anything that I still paid for, on thier behalf.

Hi, OP -

Following your updates I do wonder whether your DD would benefit from a mental health assessment. I’m not one for armchair diagnoses but it sounds like perhaps she could use some help. This is probably very delicate from her perspective and needs to be presented supportively.

However I agree there is no reason your new home should go to ruin in the meantime. I don’t think a punitive approach will help, but I think it is sensible to give DD something like a week’s notice that if she hasn’t cleaned her room and en suite you will be organising a professional deep clean and repair job and she will be paying. (I would be open to negotiation if she says she needs eg two weeks). I would be clear that this isn’t punishment, it is what adults do when they destroy property belonging to others. No matter how it happens, and even if those others are their parents.

PS If DD refuses to engage on the payment I would probably kick her out, regardless of MH problems. Time to grow up.