To make my 23 year old daughter tidy her room?

[Lola4545]

My daughter’s room is a pigsty. She has a lovely big room with an en suite bathroom. We moved in 2 years ago to the house which was a new build. After the pigsty she would leave her room in previously, she convinced my husband and I that she would appreciate the fact the house was brand new and she was excited to have her own bathroom. More fool us. My son is 18, has a smaller bedroom which is immaculate. The en suite is technically a Jack and Jill bathroom so although he could use my daughter’s bathroom, he doesn’t. He’s happy to use the main bathroom. Now, my daughter’s en suite is disgusting. Used shampoo and shower gel bottles all in the shower which has black grimy and slimy filth in the corners of the standing tray. Her bedroom is also terrible. She has takeaway boxes hidden in her wardrobe, plates under her bed, cups going mouldy. We’ve said no eating in the bedroom but she’s sneaking stuff up there when we’re not in. I’m now thinking of stopping her boyfriend coming over until everywhere is tidy and letting my son use the en suite instead. Is this fair do you think? Or should she have her own bathroom? Or should I just not go into her room and let her live in filth if she wants to? I’m so upset over this and would appreciate advice. I know I’ve probably been to soft on her and I’m mad at myself for this.

YANBU, I would be okay with untidy or cluttered but not to the pure disrespectful way she is treating your home.

I would swap them and let your son benefit from the ensuite.

I wouldn’t hesitate to swap their rooms over. Just do it.

Do you wash her clothes, bedding, towels, do her ironing, cook her meals etc. If so, I would stop and say why should I do chores for you if you won't do any for me. Tell her she stinks because she is living in a pigsty and washing in a dirty shower.

I’m quite surprised at these comments so far (which I agree with). I hate the normal mn attitude of ‘well it’s their room, just close the door’. 🙄 Having an unmade bed, clothes on the floor and make up piled 3 bottles deep on the vanity is one thing. Festering food cartons, furry cuos and glasses and literal mould growing in the bathroom is another. I wouldn’t care if they’re paying rent or not, if they’re in a house that I own or I’m responsible for, then they can treat it respectfully.

@Ruffpuff, I agree with a lot of what you say and I didn't suggest there should be no changes (in fact I say some are definitely required!). But it's worth considering whether there is an underlying issue.

If she was renting she'd still be having house inspections.

My sister is 37 and exactly the same, still living at home paying £200 a month rent when she works full time for the NHS. Mum got 8 black bags worth of crisp packets and sweet wrappers out her room last time she caved and tidied it for her and had to redecorate because of all the black mould on the walls.

Please do something for her, make her pay rent, take away her en-suite, try and convince her to move out. My mum has never been strong enough to do it for my sister and I've never been able to get through to her. Molly coddling isn't the kind thing to do in this situation, don't let her end up like my sister

I want to show this to my mother and say, 'see? I wasn't anything like as bad as you made me out to be', lol.

Wow she needs to grow up across the board it seems. She takes her boyfriend in there??? Sexy!

Absolutely this!

She's 23 why haven't you pushed a full time job and paying rent? Sounds like she's stuck at teenage mode. Normal mess I'd let go rotting food no way ...but how do you know she hides it why do you search her room? I'd lock her entry to bathroom as that would cause long term damage

If she works and pays no board I'd give her a straight choice. Clean her room or pay you to get a cleaner in to do it. Being untidy is one thing, but that sounds like the sort of dirt and neglect that over time is going to spoil the rooms leading to cost to put right, which isn't on. I wouldn't alter the bathroom arrangements as it wont serve any purpose. Both DC want exclusive use of a bathroom so give DS the Janet and John and DD will just move her mess to the family bathroom, which will be worse as presumably guests may at times use that.

Without further detail from OP it's difficult to comment fairly but the dropping out of uni combined with PT job makes me wonder if there isn't a serious MH or emotional challenge going on here that needs to take priority over addressing the mess.

It might work for a month or two until it happens again.

Enough with the armchair diagnosis of ADHD. Even if she has it she still has to function as an adult. You're doing her an enormous disservice by allowing this situation.
DS was diagnosed aged 10. He disliked the classroom environment and took a vocational course when he left college. This lead to a dream apprenticeship
DS and his partner of five years bought their home aged 23. His ADHD can be a curse but also has its advantages. Tunnel vision makes him amazing at a job that requires perfection.

His home and car are immaculate. Even if she has ADHD it's not an excuse to be a pig. What you are accepting is infantalising your DD.
I accept nothing short of full time working hours once DC left school (I have 3 young adults). That might be college, work with prospects or volunteering. The threat of working for free is a great motivator.
eldest DS paid a small amount of board once he finished his apprenticeship. I saved this money for him but he didn't know that. Your DD seems to be functioning at the level of a sixteen year old and you're allowing it. She won't magically change now because she has a Birthday. Time for some tough love.

@justanotherlaura 37?! Good god, there are no winners here. Well done for trying to address it with your mum. It sounds like the dye may already be cast though

Yes, I would make her tidy her room.

Plus I would get her to pay rent/contribution to household running costs, even if it’s only £100 per month. If she complains she can’t afford her social life etc, so be it. Not your problem. Your house, your rules.

To quote @Livinginanotherworld ” she’s grown woman”.

If she has been working part time since 18 it sounds like she I'd lacking the motivation to grow up. Either there is nothing pushing her, as in no need financially, or she may have some ongoing mental health issues that need addressing. Whatever it is it sounds like some action needs to be taken.

Damn she's older than me and I've been living alone for 5 years. Your house your rules

Family meeting outlining her need to pay board now that she is a working adult. And a deal that if you get to the end of the month with a tidy bedroom and bathroom you will return half.

That way you’re increasing the chances of a tidy room and you’re up on money no matter whether you return half or not. If it eases the mum guilt you can secretly put her board or half to one side for when she moves out to her own place.

If she doesn’t tidy the bathroom give it to your son.

This isn't about tidiness it's about maintenance, damage and hygiene.

She'll be attracting pests and vermin, and causing damage that will need go be repaired eg mould/regrouting carpet cleaning or replacement.

It's not on, and it wouldn't be OK if she were paying you board.

Lay down a boundary. She can fund a cleaner from her own money, or do it herself, or move out.

Or do what my mum did and take the bedroom door off until it’s tidy for a while 🤣🤣

😂 my kind of solution!

What does she actually do with her time?

Why are you enabling your daughter to live like a 16 year old. Tell her to get off her arse gey a full time job and clean up her shit.