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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Neighbours say they can only 'try' to control their child.

747 replies

sleeplessnights24 · 02/01/2024 23:50

I live in a new build. Everything has been ok, but the tenants upstairs have a 5 year old boy who doesn't stop stomping.

Running in the afternoon/normal hours is one thing, but this is in the early hours when people are clearly still asleep! It also happens in the middle of the night too...?! Surely a 5 year old can sleep through the night...? Also, why run if you're up that late?!

I noted the hours it happened. 5:30am, 5:40am, 6:30am - and weirdly 12:30am, 1:20am and 4:20am too. That's just in the last 3 weeks. On weekends it started at 6:50am and 5:40am. We are not just talking about brief periods of noise. It is often intermittent. The worst was 3:50am - which was intermittent until about 4:20am. Then again at 5:20am. Then at 7:30am. That night I didn't sleep at all since 3:50am.

Initially, all communications were fine. I only spoke up once I was at my wits end. I was polite - and so were they. No apology from their side though. They said they'd be mindful of the noise. Phew! I was grateful and hopeful to finally be able to sleep. I do not expect to live in silence (obviously), but stomping on your ceiling - when you're trying to sleep and it is still dark outside, is crazy.

A few months goes by... nothing changes. But because I had already complained once, I felt like I couldn't complain again... until I did.

Again, all polite from both sides. Said they'd be mindful. Ok.
Nothing changed again. Rinse & repeat. The noise - if anything - just got louder... so I spoke up again. Both sides nice and polite. They said it was 'confusing' that it was so loud. I asked multiple times if they'd like to come down and hear it for themselves as they didn't understand how it could be so disruptive. They ignored every invite to come listen.

They would say he 'only walks' on days I would be woken up in the morning - by running. They were/are defensive and looking for excuses. I get it. In many ways, I am not surprised. They kept saying they were 'being mindful' - but nothing ever changed. If the noise had reduced by 20% since I complained; at least that would be something. But there was literally no change.

I was transparent about having Bose headphones, white noise machines, etc... so they could see that I was doing things to drown out the noise from my side.

After 18 months of it happening on an almost daily basis, I complained to my building management Co. I had complained to management before - but their response was 'there's nothing we can do'. They didn't even pass on my sentiments to the owners of the flat.

This time I didn't relent - and asked them to pass/forward my email to the actual owners of the apartment upstairs. (Upstairs are renters). They did indeed forward my email to the owners.

I got a response saying the owners had spoken to their tenants - and the tenants have agreed to buy a rug and will 'try to control the movements of their child when possible'.

I took this as somewhat helpful - and was more angry that I was proven right in that what they'd done for the year prior - was nothing at all - certainly in terms of practical measures when they had told me there was nothing more they could do. Over the 18 months; there was one occasion where I (politely) asked what they had done to mitigate the noise... they didn't respond. (They have hardwood floors throughout).

For 8 weeks, they seemed to promptly stop the running in the middle of the night/early hours (which I only wanted stopped at unreasonable hours anyway) - but now we are back to square one it seems. I'm mindful of it being Winter (dark and awful weather outside) and also Christmas season, but I'm not sure why it keeps happening. They say the best they can do is 'try' to control it.

AIBU for not relenting and to keep complaining to management? The tenants have stopped opening my messages now.

OP posts:
Chichimcgee · 03/01/2024 01:58

@Cmonluv similar situation here, my son is a great big stocky teenager now, has several diagnosis and does not sleep. Never has. My daughter has autism and investigations going on for other things. She’s not verbal, she screeches like a pterodactyl, bangs her head on the adjourning wall (the wall the neighbours bed is!) bangs her door. Both are up at the moment and it’s near 2am.
Ill message my neighbour and apologise for the noise, I’ve told her to let me know if the noise is bothering her or anything.
she’s been lovely and said she only hears them sometimes and it’s not a problem.

BUT she knows their problems, she knows what I do to try and help the situation, I apologise when I know they’re being too loud. I don’t ignore the situation and if OP had communication with the neighbours then although it’s still awful at least she would have some understanding of what’s going on and why.

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 02:02

comfyshoes2022 · 03/01/2024 01:47

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation - it sounds miserable. But since you asked “AIBU?”…

  1. You’ve mentioned a lot that the reason or a key reason you’re so upset is that they haven’t been more apologetic. Although I get it, I feel like that’s kind of a red herring. If you’re going crazy because you can’t sleep - that’s the issue. If you could tolerate the situation if they were being nicer about it - then I’d try to get in a headspace where you can tolerate regardless in case it doesn’t resolve otherwise. For your own sanity if nothing else.

  2. Children whom I’ve lived with can be so so loud walking (not running, just walking) up above me. I think it’s possible - perhaps unlikely but at least possible - that their child genuinely isn’t running or that they genuinely think he isn’t running. It’s also possible that they have been trying some things that you don’t know about and that whatever happened during those magical 8 weeks was some sort of random fluke, not the result of something they did for a while and then switched off.

Thanks for your response.

It's not so much about being apologetic - but more that there's no regard for their neighbours. If I felt like they were trying, I'd accept that. But I'm not sure why they felt the need to deny it was happening, what I was hearing wasn't happening etc...

I do agree that children are generally loud - as per my previous posts. Sadly, he is genuinely running. I do know what you mean though/get your point though. Remember, kids strides are smaller than ours. What is 10 steps for us, is 20 steps for them - and their default method to get from A to B - is to run. But unfortunately; the running wasn't brief bursts - and even when it was intermittent; it was up/down the hallways - and so I, of course, do think they are aware of his running. After all, it was what I complained about - and suddenly it stopped once their LL got involved... hardly a fluke. I do think around Christmas time, they slacked off - and we are back to square one.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 03/01/2024 02:02

I’m not sure you really understood why I was focusing on what you could do rather than your neighbours, but perhaps you have insulated your ceiling already and have soundproofing where you sleep?

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 02:05

Workway · 03/01/2024 01:48

Are you absolutely sure it is the child?

My in-laws live in a new build. We stay with them and honestly there's a noise that sounds like someone is stomping up the stairs and across the landing.

I mentioned it when I said 'oh I thought you were upstairs, I heard you walking on the landing' and my MIL said - nope been here the whole time (in the kitchen). We got into a conversation about the footstep noises which they heard too.

We can't figure out what it is - but it's loud, sounds just like stomping around but it isn't. Our only guess is some sort of plumbing.

But if I didn't know exactly where everyone was I would have been certain, infact 100% convinced someone was stomping around the stairs and landing. But it was only being able to account for exactly where everyone was that I realised it wasn't.

Could it be they are running a washing machine, or perhaps their heating system flicks on and off during the night?

You'd think it you could hear a child running you'd also hear laughing or crying or a tantrum, or parents saying 'get back to bed' etc, or even multiple feet with the parents getting up and trying to get the kid back to bed.

You say for 8 weeks it stopped but then the weirdness of the timings- dunno OP something just is making me think that maybe it's worth exploring other possible reasons for the noise, no matter how convinced you are it's the kid.

Maybe the neighbours aren't doing much because they're not really sure what you're going on about. All kids wake up occasionally - but if the noise you're hearing isn't the nightly running of their child then they may think you're being a bit precious about a couple of occasions where he was up in the night. Have you given times and dates?

I'd maybe record the noise and send it to your landlord. So everyone has a reference and a time of the noise. See if the parents say - well he was fast asleep at e.g 3.20am when you recorded that.

Yep. It is. I do know what you mean though! We did the process of elimination thing! 100% the child.

I, of course, gave times and dates! I think if I didn't, things wouldn't have changed - so I agree - it's so important to note things like this and keep records.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 03/01/2024 02:05

I would be making myself as irritating as possible by knocking on their door everytime he woke me up after midnight until it stopped.
I get woken up? you get woken up!

beanontoast · 03/01/2024 02:05

Been in a similar situation, had to also make a load of noise and tell them I’d not be stopping until they did. I’d get a broom and intermittently bang it on the ceiling personally. Their kid not sleeping is not your problem it’s theirs. Once you respond in kind I’m sure he will somehow be able to behave

LaurieStrode · 03/01/2024 02:06

TomatoSandwiches · 03/01/2024 02:05

I would be making myself as irritating as possible by knocking on their door everytime he woke me up after midnight until it stopped.
I get woken up? you get woken up!

Exactly.

You've tried gentle measures, OP. Time to fight fire with fire.

Chichimcgee · 03/01/2024 02:07

@TomatoSandwiches thats a good point, every time he’s thundering across the floor at an unreasonable how go and knock on the door ‘can you keep it down it’s 1/2/3am’ and record it as well incase they’re hostile to you.

Avtrini · 03/01/2024 02:12

Lots of messages so I might have missed the whole story. But if you’re saying that they recently have made positive changes for 8 weeks (even if you feel not out of neighbourly respect but only because their landlord pressured them) but that they slackened off over Xmas, then I would say that it’s only 2nd Jan, give them a bit more time to get the routine back. Natural for a kid to get more excited etc over Xmas period and natural a kid won’t snap back into best behaviour. If they kept him from making noise for 8 weeks then that probably took a lot of effort on their part, now you are all struggling with January back to work blues etc. I would like to think I would give it a little longer.

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 02:13

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 01:54

Thank you for your response.

This is it! There's no for them to be dishonest - all it does is breed hostility. Just be honest and transparent - so everyone can come to a solution.

Let's face it. Living under kids is not fun. (That's not me being rude - it is just a fact). But I accept it for what it is. Kids make noise. Fact.

I hear running in the later hours of the mornings, afternoons and evenings. All too often I can't hear my TV over it - so I got used to subtitles. That's just one example. Another is that I take all my calls with AirPods in. You just deal with certain things - within reason!

But it's not asking too much to sleep in your own home.

If they didn't want - or intend - to do something about it this whole time - I'd rather they just say so. Don't lie for 18 months!

I do wonder if we'll ever get back to those 8 weeks where it wasn't so bad. Let's see.

They probably wonder that too, one of the features with my son is changed and incentives often work in very short term stints, so I'm constantly having to be creative in order to help him. At one point after discovering audiobooks we make real headway with his sleep, the. That stopped, we got a yoto player he could work himself massively helped then stopped helping, we got lavender bath stuff, helped then stopped, then he got ill, had another seizure needed meds reacted badly and it was worse than ever. So we tried reward charts, worked great for about a week, we have co slept and he's slept separately, he always needs someone to help him get to sleep and when he wakes so it's not like he's put in bed and left to it. Then we had a few weeks of aggressive meltdowns coming off a medication, then the had a minor surgery and we had a worse time recovering from anaesthetic, then he started school and the change in routine made things worsewe got that under control by upping his exercise then the weatherade that impossible.

I genuinely think of an 8 week period a year ago when he slept 10 hours a night in his own bed inexplicably and wonder, will we ever get those 8 weeks back...

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 02:14

TomatoSandwiches · 03/01/2024 02:05

I would be making myself as irritating as possible by knocking on their door everytime he woke me up after midnight until it stopped.
I get woken up? you get woken up!

You think the parents are ASLEEP?

beanontoast · 03/01/2024 02:14

Also keep complaining to their landlord. Every time it happens. Might get them booted out.

JingleSnowmanTree · 03/01/2024 02:15

@Cmonluv unfortunately I do have rather too much experience with SEN & brain damage.

but the parents upstairs haven't done the easy things they could have done (starting by living in an upstairs flat!) put down insulation covered by underlay & carpet.

they did something for 8 weeks, they need to do that!!

the OP isn't even complaining about the daytime or evening noise, just the wee hours of the morning.

one of my godsons suffered from major brain injuries at 14 & nearly died. It was a horrific few years (he's in his 30's now, it's a lot better, but FAR from perfect & he'll never live alone. His Mum is one of my closest friends & I lived with them for the first few years. He tried to kill himself & his mum. The things he shouted were dreadful. We wouldn't have moved into a flat, especially an upstairs one.

my nephew sounds like your DS built like a brick outhouse, has SEN, is a flat footed giant. Also not suited to living in an upstairs flat, so rents a downstairs flat.

The parents upstairs aren't even trying bare wood floors FFS)

something worked for 8 weeks, they need to do that or explain why it worked & isn't now.

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 02:16

TomatoSandwiches · 03/01/2024 02:05

I would be making myself as irritating as possible by knocking on their door everytime he woke me up after midnight until it stopped.
I get woken up? you get woken up!

I can also honestly say if a neighbour did that it would fuel my kid to try to make it happen again, a nice dose of 2am chaos? For a kid with ADHD, certainly for my kid, that'd be a new reward to aim for daily however much we tried to stop it. Or you'd scare him, his anxiety would hit the roof and we'd be up with screaming night terrors for a few weeks or months. So yeah for your own sake op, highly don't recommend thia

JingleSnowmanTree · 03/01/2024 02:17

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 02:14

You think the parents are ASLEEP?

@Cmonluv

given they keep saying it's not happening, maybe they are, my other brother wouldn't wake with a brass band playing at the bottom of his bed!

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 02:17

Avtrini · 03/01/2024 02:12

Lots of messages so I might have missed the whole story. But if you’re saying that they recently have made positive changes for 8 weeks (even if you feel not out of neighbourly respect but only because their landlord pressured them) but that they slackened off over Xmas, then I would say that it’s only 2nd Jan, give them a bit more time to get the routine back. Natural for a kid to get more excited etc over Xmas period and natural a kid won’t snap back into best behaviour. If they kept him from making noise for 8 weeks then that probably took a lot of effort on their part, now you are all struggling with January back to work blues etc. I would like to think I would give it a little longer.

Haha. This is exactly what I said in my latest email. (I think I also said it in my previous posts here). I said I'm mindful of bad weather, Christmas, holidays, festive fun etc... but that it's becoming frequent/daily again - and then gave them the times/dates - and that it couldn't go back to the way it was for 18 months.

OP posts:
Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 02:18

JingleSnowmanTree · 03/01/2024 02:15

@Cmonluv unfortunately I do have rather too much experience with SEN & brain damage.

but the parents upstairs haven't done the easy things they could have done (starting by living in an upstairs flat!) put down insulation covered by underlay & carpet.

they did something for 8 weeks, they need to do that!!

the OP isn't even complaining about the daytime or evening noise, just the wee hours of the morning.

one of my godsons suffered from major brain injuries at 14 & nearly died. It was a horrific few years (he's in his 30's now, it's a lot better, but FAR from perfect & he'll never live alone. His Mum is one of my closest friends & I lived with them for the first few years. He tried to kill himself & his mum. The things he shouted were dreadful. We wouldn't have moved into a flat, especially an upstairs one.

my nephew sounds like your DS built like a brick outhouse, has SEN, is a flat footed giant. Also not suited to living in an upstairs flat, so rents a downstairs flat.

The parents upstairs aren't even trying bare wood floors FFS)

something worked for 8 weeks, they need to do that or explain why it worked & isn't now.

You've no idea the financial constraints these people may be under, how up against it they may be. Also unless you lived with your grandson as main career 24/7 you don't really understand

Lovelyjubbbly · 03/01/2024 02:18

You are being totally unreasonable. I have 2 children I am also the upper stair and an elderly women below me who has said most of the things you have said she also voiced this to me . I have a 5 and 6 year old who wake up at least 3 times at time and come running in to my room I barley get sleep reading I’m still away now! When there’s 2 adults in the bed. And 2 children it can be hard OP!

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 02:19

JingleSnowmanTree · 03/01/2024 02:17

@Cmonluv

given they keep saying it's not happening, maybe they are, my other brother wouldn't wake with a brass band playing at the bottom of his bed!

Great, well done for your brother, I'm willing to get my life the parents aren't asleep. Do you have children?

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 02:20

sleeplessnights24 · 03/01/2024 02:17

Haha. This is exactly what I said in my latest email. (I think I also said it in my previous posts here). I said I'm mindful of bad weather, Christmas, holidays, festive fun etc... but that it's becoming frequent/daily again - and then gave them the times/dates - and that it couldn't go back to the way it was for 18 months.

You're not mindful of anything, you say 'here is an acknowleyof why it might be harder just now' then say 'i don't give a shit I'm going to contact their landlord, ha see how they like that!'

OhGoodie · 03/01/2024 02:20

This reply has been deleted

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JemimaTiggywinkles · 03/01/2024 02:20

OP has the right not to be kept awake at night.

Actually I don't think this us true. There is no absolute right to have your neighbours keep quiet enough for you to sleep.

Also, the vast majority of landlords don't even allow changes of flooring despite the fact you're prepared to pay yourself as a tenant. Bollocks to blaming the tenant - if the sound proofing is insufficient the OP needs to get arsey with the landlord and leave the tenant the fuck alone.

beanontoast · 03/01/2024 02:21

So many selfish twats on here, you wanted to be a parent but now don’t want to do any parenting. Your kids are not other people’s problem, OP doesn’t have to put up with this for 18 months because these useless lazy parents can’t be bothered keeping their kid quiet

Chichimcgee · 03/01/2024 02:22

@Cmonluv and ‘@Lovelyjubbbly a child having sen doesn’t mean they have a get out clause to do what they want and cause disruptions to other people. However tough it is for the parents it’s not OPs problem.

JingleSnowmanTree · 03/01/2024 02:22

Cmonluv · 03/01/2024 02:18

You've no idea the financial constraints these people may be under, how up against it they may be. Also unless you lived with your grandson as main career 24/7 you don't really understand

@Cmonluv

my Godson, and as I SAID I did live with them for several years, in the beginning when he needed 2 carers at all times neither of us worked and over the years we each worked at different times, like ships in the night between caring & working. Barely sleeping.

so please DO ONE with telling me I have NO IDEA.