To think that unless a serious emergency arises you can never fail to attend a wedding you've said you will go to?

[ILove2024Already]

Inspired by a TikTok I've just seen ( yep I'm bored tonight! ), aibu to think that short of a serious emergency as in someone has been hospitalised you must never ever fail to attend a wedding you've said you will go to? Just reading the comments on this video and they're so mixed, some thinking it's okay to not attend if you have a better plan come up despite the cost to the bride and groom and some sad real life experiences of people having to check if guests were coming only to find they aren't.

Yabu- You don't have to attend a wedding even if the bride and groom have forked out per head and given you a space someone else could've had.
Yanbu- its appalling

I think general illness is also OK, if it's something gross (eg Noro).

Most people understand how expensive weddings are per head so wouldn't bow out lightly, I'd hope.

There are always a handful of selfish gits who'd put themselves first in any situation though, I guess!

What elevates a wedding above others is the limited guest list and the cost of each guest attending. The wedding would look very empty if half the people didn't show up and other people could have been invited if they knew you weren't coming, plus it often costs at least £100 per head. Agree it's rude just not to show up at an event you've agreed to attend but a wedding is definitely more rude for the reasons given above.

BiL was a no show at DS’s wedding, despite having had plenty if notice and accepted the invitation. No one mentioned it until I asked where he was and was told he was ‘minding the children’. Their eldest was 23 and could have been left in charge of the 18 and 16 year olds. When DD asked a different family she was told he was minding the dog ☹️

Could he have been miffed that his children/your nieces and nephews/your sons cousins hadn't been invited?

My cousin’s girlfriend just didn’t turn up as she didn’t feel like it, I hadn’t met her before so wasn’t disappointed but was a bit miffed that no one bothered to tell me beforehand!

I do think people should feel freer to decline invitations, especially if money is tight/you have childcare issues/anxiety etc. which means you’re likely to cancel on the day, far less stressful just to say no upfront. Flaky people with no excuse can piss off though.

Depends on the circumstances, the people and the situation.

As a rule if you've accepted an invitation to any kind of social event into which some planning has gone, it's not ideal to pull out.

I don't particularly see why a wedding should be worse to pull out of than any other kind of event though: a birthday, retirement party, christening, even just a big bash. I don't see weddings as being at the apex of the hierarchy.

It also kind of depends whose wedding it is. If it's your sister and you pull out the day before then yes that's pretty shit. If its Maggie who you worked with two jobs ago and you haven't seen much of for the past four years it's less of a crisis.

I dropped out of a hen do weekend that I had paid just over £250 for, as unfortunately I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks the week before. I had to have a D&C, which didn't fully work, and so I was still physically miscarrying the weekend of the hen do.

I texted the bride to say sorry but I wouldn't be able to attend the hen do as I'd had a miscarriage and was still recovering from the surgery. She replied simply saying "That's a shame, won't be able to get you a refund for anything at such short notice". I hadn't mentioned anything about a refund in my message to her, as I was well aware it was late notice and a refund was the last thing on my mind. She then deleted me from Instagram and Facebook a week after the hen do, which felt very hurtful and cold.

I didn't attend her wedding a couple of months later. I did message the groom to let them know I wouldn't be able to attend a few weeks before. Bride and I have never spoken again.

One of my best friends from school phoned me the night before my wedding in floods of tears apologising that she couldn’t come and hoping I would forgive her. She had gone into labour 3 weeks early!!! I think that counts as a fair excuse. Her mum, who I’ve known forever, came to the church “in her place” and to take photos for her, and then shot off to mind my friends DS1. And I never forget her DS2’s birthday.

Illness, accident, perhaps if travel is impossible on the day (say last weekend and the Eurostar day with no service), reasonable. The examples of a baby arriving early and a miscarriage above, fair enough.

Not because of a supposedly better offer.

Two guests were invited to evening do. One asked me personally on the quiet if they could come to full day because it was a long way to drive and they wanted to see me at the church and didn't know anywhere to eat. I thought cf just Google. But because I'm soft I said yes. Dh was a chef so the meal took a lot of our budget ( £75 a head in good old days).
Saw them at church all OK. Asked if they needed help to get to reception- just down the road. They said nope we know we're we are going.

Get to reception they are not there. Meal is delayed while we try to find them. Literally searching the streets l, ringing mobiles etc. The chef speaks to me to say we must serve food.
We had an entertainer for kids during the speeches who then needed to stay longer. Evening guests arrived before our meal was finished. I'm still worried.
Finally a phone call they had decided to go to bewers fair back home. They thought they would enjoy that more. They were totally obvious to that being an issue. I blew my top. My poor dad had to calm me down and remind me to be a dignified bride.
I still get mad to this day thinking about it.
I wonder now if one of them has gotten married yet and understands why their behaviour was so unreasonable!

Yes, I had a friend no-show at my wedding with some completely made-up excuse (I later saw pictures of her on FB doing something else). I haven’t spoken to her since.

I don't particularly see why a wedding should be worse to pull out of than any other kind of event though: a birthday, retirement party, christening, even just a big bash. I don't see weddings as being at the apex of the hierarchy.

Weddings tend to be incredibly expensive and tend to have quite limited space.

I’ve never been to a christening with a detailed seating plan, sit-down three course meal, champagne, favours, and a band. I don’t think that’s the norm.

I wouldn’t pull out of a christening either.

We had friends who were totally enthusiastic when they received their invitation. Then RSVP'd no and we never heard from them ever again.

Also ditched a friend who didn't attend my wedding because she told me she couldn't decide if her husband or the guy she was apparently shagging would be her plus one. When I said I wasn't happy about that, she just never appeared on the day.

And that was that. Beyond rude. It cost us about £300 for those four missing people.

My cousin was in prison. His girlfriend called and said he was stuck away with work, so his parents wouldn't find out the truth! He didn't even send a card, nor offer to pay for their dinners!

No, it’s not the end of the world. Plans change. Life goes on. Anybody planning a wedding would be wise to factor in (ie budget) an attrition rate. I say this as a former events manager who has dealt with brides feeling their day was RUINED, ruined UTTERLY, by table six having seven people at their table.

I agree, so long as 'emergency' is defined slightly broadly (e.g. coming down with Covid or norovirus may not usually be an emergency in the life-and-death sense, but probably best not to go for everyone's sake. I do think, though, that in such a case you should offer to pay costs).

But whenever there's a thread here about someone declining a wedding invitation because of uncertainty about ability to attend - e.g. that the invitee is pregnant and will have a newborn at the time, and the wedding is abroad - there are always people on the thread saying 'But how can you decline MONTHS in advance? You are just making excuses'. etc. Well, the OP's post is exactly why it's generally more considerate to decline months in advance, if there's a reasonable chance that you may not be able to make it!

thank you for your understanding. ❤️ I’m currently in recovery from a hip disarticulation amputation due to cancer , so my dark humour says at least I have a good reason to be flaky for a while 😂

The only time I’ve ever done this was awkwardness.
A friend decided to have a BIG wedding and invited us. The friendship was hitting the skids for some time, disliked her fiancé and she’d done some petty but shitty things (eg stealing a cardigan of mine she liked). Even without all that we were broke with a small baby and it was no children. I couldn’t afford to attend.
She sent the official invite, I said to her with a 6 month old it just wasn’t possible. It was like she had cloth ears, didn’t listen. I kept saying in different ways ‘no’. She just provided reasons that I could and pulled out wedding magazines etc. I’d verbally told her and her mother no multiple times.
I didn’t however provide a written reply to the invite, just didn’t think of it. They decided as my presence was important and I hadn’t ‘officially’ declined that I was on the list.
She went mad at our ‘no show’.

I once missed the evening party I was invited to, because my mother was taken sick between the reception and the party. So I drove three hours to the party, dropped everyone else off, drove another three hour round trip to take my mother home, and then picked the rest of the party up 😂
But yes, I think it’s rude to just not show up, or cancel last minute, without a good reason. And even if there WAS a good reason, I’d offer to pay for my place.