To think that unless a serious emergency arises you can never fail to attend a wedding you've said you will go to?

[ILove2024Already]

Inspired by a TikTok I've just seen ( yep I'm bored tonight! ), aibu to think that short of a serious emergency as in someone has been hospitalised you must never ever fail to attend a wedding you've said you will go to? Just reading the comments on this video and they're so mixed, some thinking it's okay to not attend if you have a better plan come up despite the cost to the bride and groom and some sad real life experiences of people having to check if guests were coming only to find they aren't.

Yabu- You don't have to attend a wedding even if the bride and groom have forked out per head and given you a space someone else could've had.
Yanbu- its appalling

I also attended a wedding during the Icandic ash cloud about 14 years ago... unfortunately lots of absentees. But again, a few extra people were invited last minute, completely changed seating plan, a few extra children as the parents had no childcare...

This is one of my absolute core values. If I say I will be somewhere, an event or a gathering or meeting a friend or anything, then I will be there unless I absolutely 100% cannot be. I would have to be pretty much incapacitated by a migraine or in hospital to not go. Being tired, getting a better offer, not feeling up to it, none of those are valid. It's plain and simple, it's about respect for someone else's life and time.

The people I know who are flaky and drop out of things last minute with barely an apology because their nail broke or they're a bit tired etc. inevitably end up losing their social circle over time as they can't be trusted. When someone invites you to something they have set aside their own time, sometimes gone to financial expense. If you RSVP yes you'd better be there.

A ‘friend’ of mine called me 2 days prior to my wedding to cancel. The jist of it was that she was a bit tired / busy. So her & family including 2 kids meant we were 4 down and had to rearrange all the tables. I think the food was around £200 a head not that that was my major concern. I’d gone to the effort to make each of her kids a specific party bag. It just showed that she had a blatant disregard for me as I had made such a huge effort with her events throughout her life, pretty sure I’d been a bit tired throughout all of that too. So that was the end of that friendship. I don’t even think she sent a card or anything.

Agreed. Unless you have a serious or unpleasant/contagious illness (like sickness bug etc), had a family bereavement, or an emergency, you should absolutely attend a wedding you said you were going to.

One of DHs supposed close friends just didn't turn up to our wedding. DH messaged him to ask where he was and apparently he was 'too tired'! Turns out he'd been out drinking the night before and was just too hungover. It marked the decline and eventual end of their friendship.

I really don't enjoy big events like weddings, so if I am invited I will either make the effort to attend or say I cannot make it from the outset. If it's close friends/family then I make every effort to get over my dislike of large social events but when it's less close friends/acquaintances then I will politely decline in plenty of time and wish them all the best.

It's very rude unless you have a good reason. Someone didn't turn up to mine because she realised she "forgot to book the day off work". Didn't even apologise. I would have been entirely happy with an RSVP no but saying you are coming and then not bothering is crap. She also forgot to tell the person who was giving her a lift who turned up at her house and no one was there!

I did once drop out of attending an evening do at quite short notice (but I did message the bride) as the person I was getting a lift with decided not to go. It was in the middle of nowhere and picnic transport not an option. I was very apologetic and posted a card and present.

When my neighbour got married we were invited to the evening do but as we were local we popped to the church to see the ceremony in the morning. As we were leaving the groom dashed up and said they'd had a couple drop out due to illness and asked if we'd like to come to the main reception which we did. It was great, the people in "our" table were lovely and the food wasn't wasted.

Yes and no.

It must be really helpful for you to finally have a diagnosis - I know it really helped me when I finally had mine (for adhd).

But it is also incumbent on you to know your limits... better to refuse the invitation initially than to accept it, knowing you are likely to work yourself into a state and then let people down.

I’ll accept the prevailing view here as long as people can also accept and not get snotty about people declining invitations because not all of us want these over the top obligations to attend at all costs.

I voted YABU just because of your definition of what counts.

Emergencies don't have to just be hospitalisation. Illness, bereavement, home flooding or fire, car breaking down, obligation at work (not everyone can just have the day off the same)

Also, some people will use "I'm a bit tired" as an excuse to not have to actually disclose deeper medical issues. And they don't have to give you a full medical history tbh.

I agree with you in spirit (if not exactly - I think e.g. an illness doesn't have to be a serious emergency to qualify as a good reason). But I also think b&g's should show the same respect to others prior commitments. I once received an invitation only a couple of days before a wedding. But it clashed with other plans I already had - tickets to an event with a specific group of friends it was difficult to all get together with. And he got quite bitchy with me about me declining the invitation.

(I didn't have any problem with being invited as a last minute replacement, it was someone I'd not long been working with, and other colleagues I'd known longer were also going, so I would have said yes if i didn't already have plans).

That's a bit silly, being ill is a very good reason not to go. Who wants to be sick on their honeymoon.

I think the first list of emergencies needs to be expanded a bit (to include infectious diseases, and those with unpleasant symptoms; plus things like uncontrollable morning sickness).

And the one thing that caused DH to miss a wedding (though I still went) which was being sent by the Army as part of a team for an urgent humanitarian natural disaster response 3 days before the wedding day.

But the principle is sound - you don't cancel social commitments unless there is very good reason to do so.

I failed to attend an ex-friend's wedding, sent my apologies & said that "as you know, my husband has died".
That was over 20 years ago, but I still remember her reply.

"But that was 3 weeks ago".

This. A very close friend of mind is diagnosed as autistic, with ADHD, and has some other chronic health issues.

When I invite them to stuff they always explain they'd like to, and plan to, but there's a chance they won't be able to depending on how they feel on the day, so if it's something that needs a firm YES then they'll decline. And they keep me posted. With that honesty and openness I have zero problems with arranging stuff together and it not going ahead. If she was the type to RSVP yes to stuff, knowing full well she can't know for sure until the day, and then just cancel on the day? Then we wouldn't be friends at all.

YANBU. At least give a reasonable excuse, even if it's not entirely true. The autistic PP - giving excuse that you're ill is perfectly reasonable if you're not comfortable disclosing. I have had friends with autistic children come to events, and because I knew that there would be such challenges for them I was able to coordinate with the parents and provide a schedule, explanations, and quiet spaces for them.

It's not just weddings where no-shows are appalling behaviour.

About 1/3 of the guests did not turn up to one of my dc's B Mitzvah, despite confirming that they would come. Not a big, splashy do, 50 guests, but it was catered by headcount. One family phoned in the morning - D&V. The others just did not turn up.

The caterers were absolute heroes. They swiftly rearranged the tables, and moved some of our party activities onto a table in the centre of the dining room, which was lovely for the younger guests who didn't want to sit and eat for as long as the adults. Because they needed fewer waiting staff, one of the waiters effectively ran activities at that table. They also boxed up all the leftovers for us to take home.

One positive outcome from rude no-shows: the venue now has contact details of local Foodshare projects posted in the kitchen, so that good leftovers can be offered to them straight away.

I've heard this story but I've been hoping for more context. Because I honestly can't see any way that so many people accepted the invitation and then didn't show. So I'm willing to bet the bride and groom started making more and more demands of guests. A dress code would surely have been on the invite. I've read before that Americans expect the wedding gift to cover the cost per head plus a generous gift on top - maybe they made demands around that? Maybe everyone found out at the last minute it was a booze free wedding! Or the no phones/phones confiscated thing.

If over half the wedding guests accepted and then didn't show, there has to be a reason somewhere. Or the whole thing is just made up for likes/attention

YANBU op. I had an entire family of four not turn up to my wedding. My husband’s relatives who were travelling from France. They didn’t let anyone know or get in touch and I don’t think we’ve been in touch since. (My dh may have briefly spoken to the his relative, the husband, I’m not sure.)

Although it was nearly thirty years ago, its always puzzled me how anyone could be as rude and thoughtless as this and then just not apologise or explain.

It had a massive impact because our wedding was small and we were tight on space and we couldn’t include the gfs or bfs of two or three close friends and that was hurtful to them at the time, especially when they saw an entire table going free!

I lost my best friend through this. DH was suddenly admitted to hospital on the morning of her wedding. She felt me and the kids should have still gone.

Hospitalisation is taking it a bit far. If I got flu, I'd stay home. Or covid. Or a stomach upset. Or if ds was poorly and needed me I'd stay home too.

Weddings are family celebrations. A guest can hardly celebrate if they feel like death warmed up, are worried about infecting the bride's elderly relatives or are busy comforting their poorly child on the phone.

Madness, people lose all sense of what matters when it comes weddings, I really don’t understand that

So 'how things looked' on one day was more important to her than a lifelong friendship.

That's absurd. Sad but she wasn't a real friend.

It was definitely absurd, we had no role in the wedding so wasn't like she was missing a bridesmaid or anything. She left me a screaming voicemail while he was in surgery and we've never spoken since.

If only it were that simple. Whether I’m able to manage the build-up and be able to go is entirely dependent on the day. I am always stressed about going places. Even going to the local shop is stressful for me. If I didn’t do things because I’m stressed about it, I’d never leave my bed and that isn’t an exaggeration (Pathological demand avoidance is the term the doctors use) . So I manage my anxiety and stress as best I can and obviously there are some things I have to do like buy food and go to work. So those take priority. The rest I do my best to manage. But sometimes I can’t.

To the poster who says she has a friend who communicates this stuff to her, that’s great if your friend feels able to do that. But that level is communication with everyone about every invitation is way beyond my abilities to manage social interaction. I can do it with a few close friends and they know me well enough to know I’m a good friend who just can’t manage things, but not with every person who invites me to a thing. That’s a massive ask to an autistic person.

@TheOriginalEmu No judgement from me. If you know an autistic person - you know one autistic person. It works for them.

Of course! A wedding is a wedding - I love them 😍

I fully appreciate that not everyone can be invited due to numbers, a last minute invitation wouldn't bother me (providing I had an outfit at the ready!)