To think that unless a serious emergency arises you can never fail to attend a wedding you've said you will go to?

[ILove2024Already]

Inspired by a TikTok I've just seen ( yep I'm bored tonight! ), aibu to think that short of a serious emergency as in someone has been hospitalised you must never ever fail to attend a wedding you've said you will go to? Just reading the comments on this video and they're so mixed, some thinking it's okay to not attend if you have a better plan come up despite the cost to the bride and groom and some sad real life experiences of people having to check if guests were coming only to find they aren't.

Yabu- You don't have to attend a wedding even if the bride and groom have forked out per head and given you a space someone else could've had.
Yanbu- its appalling

Well, sure, but that applies to all social occasions you’ve confirmed. There is nothing special about a wedding that elevates it above others

Yes and no - for me the expense incurred in a wedding elevates it above crying off a night in the pub.

Pulling out of a holiday and leaving others liable for your share would be on a par, I agree. Cancelling a planned walk would not, IMO.

I don’t think that is you bailing! It is your lift bailing. I’d be furious in your place.

Would 3 months notice be acceptable ?

I think 3 months notice is acceptable. The catering won’t have been confirmed by then so it won’t cost the B&G anything for you not to go…unless they’ve done one of those flog the overpriced hotel rooms to get a cheaper wedding deals.

Well it didn't did it, cos if she'd have come you've have paid no more. You were paying for say 100 whether 99 turnes up or 5 refused to eat the mains.

We had a drop out, can't remember who or why, because it was paid for by then, it didn't cost me more for her to not turn up than it did if she came.

This kind of negative pricing is why people get so het up.

And yes I know you could have invited aunty Magda instead of saved that £70 off the bill, but by the time she comes/doesn't/doesn't eat it paid regardless

If I was feeling unwell, like a vomiting bug, I wouldn't go.

I had a car accident on the way to one once, but that’s it. A wedding is important!

We had an amazing wedding, but I bumped into one delightful invitee about a week before who told me that she had another wedding the next evening and only had enough cocaine for one of them, so had chosen the other one!

FWIW hardly anyone was taking cocaine at our wedding, definitely not me!

I still feel bad that I failed to attend a friends wedding over ten years ago but it was because my tiny baby was hospitalised so it was for good reason. Short of that kind of emergency then I do think it's unacceptable to fail to show to a wedding. It's a bit more important as an occasion than an ordinary party.

My son wasn’t hospitalised but I wasn’t going to leave him with his gps when dh was away for work and he had a chest infection. And if someone is sick surely they shouldn’t go and spread whatever they have? Oh and I once missed a wedding because I didn’t even have the money to drive to the wedding, let alone buy a present. There are loads of reasons people can’t make weddings!

I had a long period of commitments to elderly family. I refused one wedding invitation but very much enjoyed the hen night. Another I accepted as long as it was understood might not be able to make it, come the day, and offered to refuse, if they wanted to invite someone else. It was a great evening!

But I was honest, and friends understood the situation

There are obviously reasons why you would pull out last minute in an emergency although where possible decent notice is preferable. We've never bailed but would try to honour unless we had an emergency- then we'd say asap.

People dropped like flies at ours. We had 2 family members too ill to come with a few weeks notice- we were able to fill 1 place. Then we had 5 pullouts on the day before and day of our wedding - one with covid and her plus one exposed to it/probably germy so didn't come, 1 couple who live up north with a broken-down car; we're down south, and a friend who we knew may not make it due to a family hospital admission confirming she couldn't come. All understandable. Infuriating but understandable!

We then had a friend who had dropped out of another wedding we were at after an epic fallout with the bride with a week to go to the big day. Both in attendance at ours but drop out friend actually left after the ceremony at ours with an anxiety attack as she saw the other girl and couldn't cope.

Completely understood all but very expensive for us! The venue asked if we had any last minute invitees but the people we thought of all had plans. We still had a nice day.

The only people who didn't show for our wedding were in a car crash in the snow on the way (wedding in between Christmas and New Years). We forgave them!

Last minute invitees?! Would anyone actually agree to that??

I’m pretty sure there are many people in my life who think I’m an awful rude flaky person, as I have pulled out of many things with what are probably shit sounding excuses.
until this year I also thought I was awful and flaky, but what I am is autistic and struggling with autistic overload and stress that means I’ve worked myself up into an utter state about these social occasions to the point I can’t make myself go. I just can’t. And I’ve never had the word to explain that I can’t come to your wedding because I’ve been thinking about it for a week, and what to wear and what to say and how will I know where to sit and who will I talk to and what if I said something stupid and what if I don’t like the food or I don’t understand a joke etc etc….that by the day if I can’t even get out of bed. so I lie and say I’m unwell. But it’s not really a lie but I didn’t have words for it.

so, just saying sometimes flaky people are flaky because they’re just not ok.

I wouldn’t call that “not turning up”, I’d call that “RSVPing no”.

If you’ve sent out save the date cards, invitations are usually only sent out 8 weeks beforehand (if you don’t, you send the invitations out 3-4 months in advance, but saying no at 3 months is totally fine either way).

I missed one once due to severe back pain - I just couldn't travel. A DP once missed my friend's wedding as he had the raging shits. I still went and left him at home.

Slight aside but I used to pot wash at weddings when I was younger. Two guests didn’t show up and the bride absolutely insisted we sat down and ate the food. It was only a small wedding party so must have hurt that someone didn’t show up. They handled it perfectly and she was really graceful and kind.

I'm autistic, and, to be honest, until this thread I had no idea that people thought their weddings should be so important to other people. Perhaps i misunderstand, but there seems an idea that it is some kind of privilege to be invited?
I'm older and have been to a few weddings in my life, but they don't come up often - thankfully as i hate this kind of social occasion.
I haven't ever had to drop out last minute, but that's just luck. I agree with you that sometimes people have very good reasons not to attend that aren't "serious emergencies" (sic).

Several things you wouldn't get hospitalised for or.consider a serious emergency would stop me attending a wedding. If I had D&V, or food poising I don't think they'd want me there. If my child was really sick I wouldn't attend. If something came up I'd rather go to there's no way I'd cancel for that. Nor would I just not turn, though I'd want to inform someone on the wedding party not talk to the bride or groom directly, they shouldn't have to deal with that on their wedding days.

I’ve just had to drop out of one (3 months ahead though) due to lack of childcare. Can’t get a babysitter booked in. Parent who was going to do it has had cancer diagnosis, is in treatment and feels too fragile. Said parent was going to fly over to stay with us to do the day and night of childcare. No family nearby. My daughter is under 2 so not so easy to find care for. I can’t drive currently (test is booked!), and it’s basically impossible to get to the venue without a car so I can’t go without my husband. My husband has met the couple once so can’t really go alone lol.

Could have played it by ear - maybe I would find a sitter in time? - but rather cancel early. Have offered to pay any costs incurred.

Feel like total shit about it tbh. I mean, feel more shit about my dad having melanoma, but still pretty shit.

Was it right to cancel now or should I have waited to see if I can find an alternative (pretty unlikely) and risked cancelling last minute? No idea.

I would have trusted my guests, if they couldnt make our wedding I have no desire to have them complete a form to see if their reason is good enough or not

They can't make it if they can't make it, which would have been enough for me

How sweet and a perfect solution to the paid-for, uneaten food!

We had relatives pull out a couple of days before. But this may be the difference between men and women... DH just called a couple of school friends who were more than happy to avail themselves of food drink and a party despite not being originally invited

This is completely over the top. There are plenty of reasons why someone might legitimately be unable to attend a social event that don't involve imminent death.

I had to drop out of going to a wedding once because I had Norovirus. I wasn't dead or dying, so by your logic I should have turned up anyway and spent the entire day running back and forth to the toilet, risked vomiting and shitting myself in public, and almost certainly infecting other guests. I'm sure the B&G would have been thrilled!