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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want me to change my surname

124 replies

Namechangers1 · 02/01/2024 19:51

I married my partner in my 30s and changed my surname to his on all my legal documents. Last year I realised I would prefer to keep my maiden name and want to change it back, but my husband is really resistant and won't accept it.
Aibu to change my surname back to my maiden name?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 02/01/2024 19:54

I can understand why he’d rather you didn’t. But he doesn’t actually get a say or have to accept it, so just do it, he will get used to it in time.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 02/01/2024 19:55

Well, it's your name so you can do what you like with it. I can see why he might be hurt though, like you've tried it on for size and didn't like it...! It feels more pointed than just not changing it in the first place somehow!

gamerchick · 02/01/2024 19:56

You dont need his permission, it's your name. I still haven't changed my name on a chunk of stuff.

Parker231 · 02/01/2024 19:56

It’s nothing to do with him so change it if you want to. Perhaps he should change his surname to match yours?

mamacorn1 · 02/01/2024 19:57

I think what you need to work out is why now? He is probably seeing this as a relationship red flag.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 02/01/2024 19:58

Can see his confusion/hurt but if its just your own name it's up to you. Different if any dc you're wanting to change too!

Caerulea · 02/01/2024 19:58

Agree with pp, if he so wants you to have the same name then he can change his to yours...bet he doesn't want that though.

Fwiw, I deeply regret taking my DH name, not the marriage, just the name change.

Tonight1 · 02/01/2024 20:00

I think that's perfectly fine. If I got married I'd keep my own surname and also Miss.

Original poster
Namechangers1 · 02/01/2024 20:05

Part of the reason is because my father died recently, which seems silly because obviously my mum had a different maiden name, but it still seems like a connection. He laughed at the idea of changing his name to something else, or to mine, which didn't help. Basically it's not a reflection on the relationship, more wanting to keep my name as it's been for the majority of my life.

OP posts:
Caerulea · 02/01/2024 20:08

He laughed at the idea of changing his name to something else, or to mine, which didn't help

Yeah, I'd be starting the process tomorrow. Also, my bra just spontaneously combusted.

LolaSmiles · 02/01/2024 20:10

I can see why he might initially have a negative response or take it personally, but once you've explained why and that it isn't personal it's not his decision.

Men who seem obsessed with having the same name seem to be the most reluctant to make any changes to their names in my experience.

Ohnotyoutoo · 02/01/2024 20:12

Do you have your maiden name as a middle name?

Busted2006 · 02/01/2024 20:13

I literally could of written this post, I have recently changed mine back.

No regrets but luckily my DH didn't make a fuss but honestly I would of changed it back even if he did

Chichimcgee · 02/01/2024 20:13

How long have you been married?
I think a woman wanting to revert back to her maiden name after changing it is a big red flag, he’s probably feeling hurt and confused.
could you double barrel? Ultimately though it’s up to you.

Tonight1 · 02/01/2024 20:14

Someone I knew changed his surname to his wife's which I thought was unusual. He left her instantly when she got violent and broke his arm but didn't report it as they had a baby daughter together. Reverted back to his original surname.

OP if it's something you really want to do then do it.

mrsclaus1984 · 02/01/2024 20:14

Caerulea · 02/01/2024 19:58

Agree with pp, if he so wants you to have the same name then he can change his to yours...bet he doesn't want that though.

Fwiw, I deeply regret taking my DH name, not the marriage, just the name change.

Out of total curiosity, how come you regret it?

SkaneTos · 02/01/2024 20:15

Maybe your husband is just a bit surprised.
But you should have the name you want.

I'm sorry about the loss of your father.

Meowandthen · 02/01/2024 20:16

Have you explained why and what it means to you?

I’ve never understood the mad dash for women to change their surname on marriage. It’s just so old-fashioned and unnecessary.

YoBeaches · 02/01/2024 20:17

What are his reasons for you not changing it OP?

Dacadactyl · 02/01/2024 20:20

I think it's odd to just suddenly decide to change it back and wouldn't be happy in his shoes either.

Melodysmum12 · 02/01/2024 20:22

Yeah I can see why as it’s offensive!

Original poster
Namechangers1 · 02/01/2024 20:25

I changed my name mainly because it was 'expected' and something that my family just expected to happen. Funnily enough my husband's father - after we announced our engagement - said he had no need or expectation for us to get married - even after we had kids. I'm fully aware that I consciously made the decision to change my name, but after a few years I've realized that my name shouldn't need to change based on who I'm in a relationship with and I'm generally more comfortable with my original name. The uncomfortable part is that I would have a different surname to my children.

OP posts:
Meowandthen · 02/01/2024 20:25

Melodysmum12 · 02/01/2024 20:22

Yeah I can see why as it’s offensive!

Offensive? That’s ridiculous.

It’s 2024, not 1954.

Wooloohooloo · 02/01/2024 20:26

It's your name, he doesn't own you and doesn't have any say in it. Personally I don't know why any women change their name upon marriage but each to their own.

TempyBrennan · 02/01/2024 20:28

If it was the other way round I would feel really hurt that my husband wanted to change his name back (seemingly out of nowhere) and feel like they were planning on leaving be to be honest - so I understand your husbands response.
You can do whatever you want though, if you want to change it back then do it.