Partner doesn't want me to change my surname

[Namechangers1]

I married my partner in my 30s and changed my surname to his on all my legal documents. Last year I realised I would prefer to keep my maiden name and want to change it back, but my husband is really resistant and won't accept it.
Aibu to change my surname back to my maiden name?

None of that is an advantage to changing your name!

Always kept my birth name for various things, but also took husbands name when we married. Decided to use ONLY my name a few years ago - husband wasn't happy & thought we should have the same name. I said "fine", change yours.
Do whatever makes you happy.
It's none of your husbands business

Once more women start seeing their birth name as what it is: your birthname, your identification since you were born, not your "maiden name" as if it's just a placemarker waiting for when you're no longer a "maiden", then more women would start making the conscious decision to keep their identity/birth name and also pass it forward to their children (the same way the man wants to keep his and pass it forward to his children).

Either that or both start a whole new family name upon marriage, that way you all have the same name with the kids and no need of a double-barrel/'who gets what name?' battle.

I have cognitive dissonance on this one.

On one hand, he just needs to get over it. Of course you have autonomy over your own name. It's no more his decision than if you'd been Katie all your life and suddenly decided to be Katherine, or vice versa. If you feel it's not the right "fit" then no need to keep it. It's even a it weird that you'd have to fill in a form, IIRC your marriage certificate is completely agnostic on whether your surname changed at all. It just records that you, Katie Maidenname, married John Smith.

But on the other, I can imagine your kids might be a bit hurt by you changing your name away from theirs, almost like you're picking your dad over them. And if they might be "allowed" to feel hurt, then why not your husband too?

I suspect my husband wouldn't be keen either, but I am confident he would understand it is my choice, and clearly important to me, and so he'd back me up rather than whingeing.

So that you have the same name in the family? I like hving the same name as my DH and my kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have no problem with women keeping their name when they get married. But changing it and then changing it back again a few years later seems like youre sending a message. Its just weird and i wouldnt like that at all if DH wanted to change his name now away from ours.

@RedToothBrush WTF yes they are advantages!

They are not universal advantages, in that not every person who changes their name will have these advantages - but they are advantages for some people. It is amazing to see how many people want to use social pressure to discourage women from using their own agency to select their own name.

Personally I believe that adults should have the legal and social right to choose their own name with some restrictions (eg no profanities). And it is not for you or me to decide whether the benefits they see in a name change are good enough.

There are advantages and disadvantages to changing your name and the strengths of these are different for different individuals.

There are clearly advantages & disadvantages for the OP in the name change she is considering - she just needs to think through them carefully and decide whether the advantages are worth it.

I wanted to have the same name as my kids too - so I gave them mine. Their father was welcome to change his name to mine if he felt strongly about it.

Well there's no reason your kids can't use your maiden name

Not going into all the politics- but since you have dc I would either make it my middle name or double barrel.

Well your pa

I have kept my own name after marrying, as have quite a few women I know. And one woman on my team at work has changed hers back to her maiden name after several years of marriage and 2 kids.

I think it's your name and you shouldn't have to change it if you don't want to. And having done so, it's your right to change your mind.

That’s to my other point in my other post. That’s also a decision to be made before marriage. Who’s name the children takes etc.

I can't seem to edit or delete my half a message above 🤔

I meant to say well your partner doesn't get to dictate your name change and will have to accept it. Is he insecure and thinks you are trying to pull away from the relationship?

I don't agree with the idea that you should 'do what you like' in this scenario. You're in a partnership and this decision will also have an impact on your children. It might only be a small one but decisions like this are better if they're made as a family. Is a double-barrelled name not a possibility?

Also, as you mentioned your dad died quite recently, this desire could also be part of your grief, wanting to continue his legacy etc.

I would honestly treat this like the desire for a tattoo. Sit on the thought for at least 6 months and if you still feel the same then, raise it again as a family discussion point.

He might think others will assume you've got divorced.

I tried my husbands name after we married but after a few weeks I had to tell him I didn’t feel like me anymore. I was mrs his kids name, so my kids had a different name to me and that didn’t make any sense to me at all. Had we have had kids together they’d be double barrelled.
He wasn’t upset, he said “I fell in love with a StonwEd, you’ll always be a StonwEd to me” and that was the end of it. He doesn’t understand women giving up their names either so he was happy whatever I did. Stand by your guns, it’s YOUR name!!

Well my DH has a much nicer surname. Also I was quite young when I got married. Only 21 and still studying. I havent really established my surname and changing it was very easy, while DH was already in the work force. Of course he could have changed it as well, but i liked his name better and didnt mind.
Its really none of anyones business. I just dont get all the “I dont understand why any woman would change their name” comments. You dont have to understand it, because its nothing to do with you.

@shreddednips that's why I didn't change eldests surname for him, cos I get that it's his identity. So I was really pleased when he decided to do it himself (& DH was really really touched, DS showed him the paperwork on father's day).

This. My partner would

Haven’t rtwt

sime if my friends partners have been quite insistent about them taking their name, and the children having just the man’s name. I find it quite controlling. My DH would never impose his name on any of us, but that’s partly down to how I’ve brought him up 😁

there seems to be a movement recently for women to reclaim their birth name. I think it’s great personally. It’s not as assumed process now to change your name and it seems right and natural that people move with changing times if they choose to.

id say definitely change your name OP, if DP sulks so be it. And double barrel for your kids.

You can do what you like but it can still seem like a signal. Imagine if in a long term relationship one partner said I want us to have separate bank amounts and to close our joint account or maybe we could get separate houses. Sure, that’s fine, but it would be fair to read into that as indicative of something about the relationship.

As others have said, there’s a big difference between not taking his name (absolutely fine) and changing it back some years later.

If I were him I’d feel you were planning on leaving, less committed, wanted to feel like you were single again

I haven't commented that.

I got married at 21 too, decades ago. I kept my name and the kids got mine. I knew from a very young age that I would never change my name to a man's.

I always think its funny that apparently only men have nicer surnames as I've never heard of a man changing his because his wife's is nicer. Odd that.

Why is it assumed that DC have the fathers surname?

It makes no practical sense.

If there was ever evidence that we live in a patriarchy this is it.