Partner doesn't want me to change my surname

[Namechangers1]

I married my partner in my 30s and changed my surname to his on all my legal documents. Last year I realised I would prefer to keep my maiden name and want to change it back, but my husband is really resistant and won't accept it.
Aibu to change my surname back to my maiden name?

You have every right to use your maiden name if you want, but given you were fine with taking it back then what has changed?
I can totally understand why your husband is upset. Using the same name has been part of your shared family identity for the length of your marriage, now you’re saying you don’t want that suddenly. If the tables were turned would you not question why now and worry about how it would look? People are going to assume you’ve divorced or there is trouble in paradise. That can’t be nice for your husband.
So yes, you have every right to change it, but before you do you should have an open and honest conversation with your husband about why you want to, reassure him you still want to be married and don’t just dismiss his feelings on the subject. Maybe you can compromise by using your maiden name professionally but keeping your married name on legal documents.
Either way you need more dialogue with your life partner than just stating “because I can” as your reason for suddenly changing your name.

So it’s been a few years?! Yeah that’s going to feel pretty awful that you don’t want the same name as dh and kids.
I thought you were going to say it’s been a few weeks and you regret it.

The moral of the story is don’t change your surname on marriage - you’re not someone’s possession.

I can see why he might wonder if it reflects somehow on your relationship with him, but if he's been told it doesn't then meh. Don't bother yourself about the "logic" of your father's surname being that of a man, you have to start somewhere.

I'm very late 60s, didn't change my name and my DD has mine. Not one of my wide friendship circle of contemporaries changed their surnames on marriage.

Just as I've gotten older it's sunk in how much women give up as mothers & wives & the name-loss is the most archaic imo. My eldest DS (22) still had my ex-h surname till recently, a man who has had no input on his life since he was 3 & that just isn't right & repeated all over the place.

What if someone needed to find you via your maiden name? You essentially disappear unless you have an unusual first name (which I do as it happens). This isn't something that men have deal with cos nothing changes, they start Mr X Y & they die Mr X Y. Whereas I've been -

Miss A B
Mrs A C
Ms A B
Mrs A D

And that could change again (though I bloody hope not!) All dependant on the man I'm with & when you really think about it that's really damn weird it's still default in marriage. Feels a little like we're cattle being branded.

I actually encouraged 22yo DS & his partner to use both their names for their baby or just her name but not just his (which he changed by choice to DH surname before baby was born). Initially she wanted just DS name but I think some bra smouldering happened & baby has her name (and the middle name of my son's beloved dog lol). Son is fine with all of this cos really it doesn't matter to do it this way at all.

I think the main issue came when I mentioned that it felt odd with my new surname and my partner laughed at the very idea of changing his name. Some of my documents are still in my maiden name for convenience, but he doesn't understand why I havent changed them to his name even though it would mean sending off legal documents.

I agree with the sentiment, but I don’t think you’re immediately someone’s possession because you share a name. I don’t own my children just because we share a name.
I think the real moral is that marriage is a big commitment and details around it (like who changes their name- if anyone) shouldn’t be taken lightly and agreed upon upfront. You CAN change your mind later, but it undoes what was agreed upfront. There shouldn’t be any “take backsies” and certainly not when the other person’s feelings risk being hurt.

There are no benefits in changing your surname - don’t!

I changed my name on marriage more than 30 years ago. Only when my brother died without kids did I suddenly regret it.

I don’t know… I still like having the same name as my DC… I’m no less their mum if I don’t, but it matters to some people. And that’s the benefit for some people. But not all by any means.

I didn't change my name on marriage and I had made it clear to my husband before we even got engaged that changing my name would never be on the cards. I am completely on board with the feminist argument for keeping one's name.

That said, if I were your husband, I would be extremely hurt if you decided to change your name back. I think your kids might also be a bit hurt as well in future.

I think the repercussions of changing your name back after marriage are more serious than never changing your name in the first place. I'm not sure this is an action you can take without causing your husband deep hurt (and probably embarrassment too - he will have to explain to his friends and family that his wife reverted to her maiden name and then listen to the invariable comments and jokes).

Is there no other way to honour your father? Could you not add your original surname to your children's middle names or something like that?

I changed my name to have my maiden name as my middle name and my husband (and kids) surname as my surname. Could you do similar? I hated my middle name which helped- might not be as doable if you already have a middle name you want to keep. Or maybe you could double barrel?

You can have the same surname as your DC’s by giving them yours.

I say go for it. I would never take a man's name.

That’s nice isn’t it ‘sorry husband of so many year but I don’t want your name and regardless of your thoughts I’m changing the kids name too. No hard feelings’

I think a lot of people drift into changing their name because they think it’s the done thing.

Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you’re banned from revisiting it. I know lots of people who now kind of wish they hadn’t done it and are reusing their old name a bit, although I don’t know anyone who’s actually changed back completely who hasn’t split up.

Me personally, I was always adamant that I’d never change my name. Nothing to do with my marriage, which is very happy. Everything to do with how I view myself (I never wanted to feel that marriage turned me into a new person, I wanted to keep my old self), my feminism and my indignation at the patriarchal structures which came up with the whole idea. Nobody in Spanish-speaking countries changes their name you know, there’s really no need for it.

Or the husband could just chill out. Is she hurt that he didn’t take her name when they got married? No. It’s not personal and you’ve got to give our spouse autonomy.

No suggested changing children’s names and the OP hasn’t mentioned children either.

And once again this comes back to what’s agreed upfront, such as whose surname the children get.
I really do agree that a woman changing her name by default and children automatically taking the father’s name is archaic. But I do believe in CHOICE and it being a shared decision if you marry or have children.
Some people like to have the same family name. I know women who kept their first name, whose children took their name, and I also know a couple of men who took their wives’ names. I know people who weren’t attached to their own names for whatever reason (absent father, meant more to their partner etc.) that were happy to take their spouse’s name.
The point is it is for each individual couple to decide early on, and there is no right or wrong way, as long as it is what each party is happy with. And to the OP’s post, no take-backs without very good reason as long as the marriage stands.

It's your name, you can choose whatever name you want.

I've only even known women regret taking their husband's name or giving their children his surname.

I've never known a woman regret keeping her own name

OP has said she has children. All have dh name and op wants to go back to her maiden name.

Instead of the faff of changing it back why not just use your maiden name as and wen u want and keep your married name for formal stuff. At school u will end up being called “mrs ‘child surname’” no matter how many times u remind them. I once had a problem at passport control when travelling with my kids who had a different surname. It was a minor incident but being asked to step away from my young children while they were questioned was disconcerting.
If it is important enough to you u will change it but I can see why the oscillation may have offended your husband. Men’s egos are not always v robust.

I get why people don’t want to change their name at time of marriage - if that’s what you want, then keep your maiden name.

But OP changed her name, and now what’s to change it back. If I was OP’s partner I would be wondering why, and what’s next. Id be wondering if you are planning on leaving? Or what are you hiding? Why you aren’t happy? Do you no longer want to be associated with him?

Unless you have a really good reason (other than I feel like it) I wouldn’t change my name. It’s quite a big FU to your partner. Or add your maiden name as a middle name if you want to keep it going? Many cultures take the mothers maiden name as a middle name for the child.

IMO changing it back after is offensive! Fair enough to not take it in the beginning but everyone will think she doesn’t want to be with him!

Changing your name after marriage is symbolic, changing it back also says alot about how you feel about your marriage and commitment to your husband.