Partner doesn't want me to change my surname

[Namechangers1]

I married my partner in my 30s and changed my surname to his on all my legal documents. Last year I realised I would prefer to keep my maiden name and want to change it back, but my husband is really resistant and won't accept it.
Aibu to change my surname back to my maiden name?

@LorlieS several reasons - loss of a parent, teenage children discovering feminism, the married name never quite ‘fitting’ and the big one - my married name is unique and difficult to spell and I got sick and tired of having to spell out both first name and second name all the time. Plus DH always called me by the name he first knew me and never Mrs Difficultname!

There are no 'maiden' names. Women's names are not on loan to us until we are passed from one man to another, and the contract of marriage does not necessitate women (legally or morally) relinquishing our own identities into the bargain. We are not adjuncts to men.

OP, I'm sorry about the death of your father. I'm sorry, too, that your spouse is not more supportive.

The spelling!! I have to spell both my first name (unusual) & my (DH) surname & it drives me nuts. Surname especially cos it looks like a bloody typo so that has to be done repeatedly 'yes, with an e at the end. Yes that's right. No. Okay no no the e is at the end, yes last letter. Just the one e. Yes I know, I'd never seen it before either'

That said, my maiden name was a repeat spelling offender too

Your children don't have to have his name. They can have yours, or hyphenated or merged.

A name doesn’t define you as a person, it’s a choice we are all free to take. Anyone can change their surname at any time.

people change their surnames for many different reasons.

i changed my surname to dh’s as I preferred it to mine, I don’t have to repeat it or spell it out, I wanted us all to have the same surname and I couldn’t wait to get rid of my name and the association to my ‘father’. I personally find double barrelling names is ridiculous.

i am no one’s possession! I changed my name through choice.

I’ve been married over 20 years. Didn’t change my name until DC came along then I half heartedly did on one bank account, medical records and some people knew me as that. Always found it hard work, mine was much easier to say.

When I wanted a Covid passport it got complicated with the 2 names so I changed it all back apart from the one bank account as I much prefer being my proper name. My Dad died after and it was quite comforting seeing my name name on the death certificate.

After reading some of the comments I did ask DH if he is OK about it as we didn’t really discuss it in any detail and he sees it as a non event . We’re having an interesting conversation about how surnames work in other countries off the back of it.

Why are you joining his family and he’s not joining yours then?

I understand your husbands attitude. Fair enough never taking his name to begin with, but it's strange to do it and change it now. And why would you suggest he change his name now, for no reason whatsoever? And the kids names too? Just on a whim. I'd laugh it off as well.
I wouldn't change my name to a different one from my kids, just because I'd changed my mind after several years.

@2chocolateoranges Do you not question the patriarchal roots of changing your surname to your husband's? Not a criticism, a genuine question.
For me that was one of the main reasons why I did not want to lose my last name.

It’s your choice.

I wish I had double-barrelled our surnames instead of just taking stbxh's name. And I started regretting this whilst still happily married, not just because we have split. Is double-barrelling an option?

I recently decided I wanted to change my name back after 7 years of marriage. My maiden name was very very similar to an unflattering pop culture name and everyone used to do bloody impressions when I told them, so I was keen to change. Now everyone's forgotten about it and I wish I'd kept my very unusual surname as it's part of my roots. My married name is the opposite end of the spectrum, probably one of the most common in the UK.

My sister and I were always referred to as 'the (insert surname) girls when we were teenagers and I suddenly felt grief for it, nothing to do with the state of the marriage. It also has a very fun meaning.

Broached it with my DH and he wasn't remotely bothered, he said he would be sad to give up his surname too and doesn't blame me for wanting mine back. He said it was also fine for any further DCs to take my name if I like- and he'd be happy for DS to double barrel his name when he's older but didn't want to change the name he's already familiar with, which I 100% agree with. Funnily enough, my five-year-old was REALLY bothered by me having a different name to him so now I'm double barrelling 😆

I can sort of understand why your DH was upset but your reasons are so understandable, he should put himself in your shoes.

Obviously it's your choice and I understand wanting to regain that connection with your df.

But it is very unusual to change name and then change it back. I can see why your dp isn't over the moon about it. I think most people in his position would be taken aback.

Sorry should have said DS can double barrel his name when he's older if he wishes to do so. I didn't realise how much my name was a part of my identity until I changed it and definitely wouldn't force a name change on anyone else!

It’d be different if you were planning to get married and he didn’t want you to keep your maiden name. But it’s the fact that you got married and changed it, became a unit in some sense and although nothing has changed in the relationship, you want to change your name? I’d be a bit miffed if I were your partner too but ultimately it’s your decision and you know what’s best for yourself.

I have 3DD, they are all keeping their surnames, two eldest are in relationships/engaged, their partners are fully accepting.
Youngest DD doesn't want to lose her late dad's name.
I'm glad it's not the automatic assumption anymore.

I'm a raging feminist and as a general principle I think taking your husband's name is totally retrograde...

But I can sort of understand why he might be confused and upset that you've done it after years of living apparently happily with his name and I wonder if he thinks its the thin end of a wedge which could lead to you leaving him.

Ultimately there's nothing he can do about it though. He'll get over it.

OP is it your name and your choice - but yabu unreasonable to expect this not to affect him and to expect him not to be upset. You are proposing changing your name away from his - it is very different to not changing your name to be his.

I’d see this as a prelude to separation - because your comments aren’t making a lot of sense together. They probably line up perfectly in your mind - but for him probably not so much. Especially if there’s been tension in the marriage. And whether that is your intent or not, if your husband fears this is what this is about it will have that affect on him even if not for you.

A free things to think of around how these things look

As an outsider if you announced reverting to your maiden name I’d assume you had separated. I wouldn’t comment - but that would be my assumption. People around you and your husband will likely assume you have separated. That’s not fun for him.

You want to change your name to your father’s for the connection with him - so you don’t want that connection you currently have with your husband? That’s not an unreasonable conclusion. Or at least that the connection with your father is more important than maintaining that connection with your husband.

You want to change your name for the connection with your father - but are also proposing taking on some new random name the both of you. How can you expect him not to see this as you not wanting to have his name?

Honestly, making a major life change in your marriage just after you lost your father doesn’t seem sensible. This feels like a grief response, and one that may have unintended consequences.

Your husband is not being unreasonable for being hurt that you want to change your name away from his. It is ultimately your decision, but I would recommend that you think this through very carefully. Doing so will hurt your husband, and that shouldn’t be done lightly.

Are they not a unit if they have different names?

You made a mistake changing your surname to your husband's. Well done for recognising this and wanting to reverse it. Just go ahead and do it.

Well that’s such a clearly untrue statement! For you, personally, there may be no advantage to changing your name - but many others change their name freely because of the advantages to them. Given that name changes occur outside of marriage and in same-sex marriages the idea of a name change being solely a sign of ownership of the woman is ridiculous.

I haven’t changed my name. But possible advantages include - separation from your birth name & those family connections, getting a name you just prefer, signalling a family and cultural connection to a community, personal family identity, basic convenience with paperwork. A know people who use two makes, one professionally and one personally because they like to have that separation of simple identity.

A mate of mine from a culture that don’t change names on marriage one commented that it was their way of making sure the wife knew she wasn’t really part of the family - she would always be highlighted and referenced to as different. Frankly anything can be used to oppress, but just because of that doesn’t mean everything is oppression.

But possible advantages include - separation from your birth name & those family connections, getting a name you just prefer, signalling a family and cultural connection to a community, personal family identity, basic convenience with paperwork.

But men, who are typically not reticent in claiming any advantage, are curiously rare in changing their names to seize any of those you have listed.

’maiden’ name, as a word and connotation, is just shuddersome.

All those reasons apply equally to men and yet the vast majority don't change their name. I wonder why.

I don't get why you would go to all the effort tbh!

Its fair enough to not change it in the first place but once you have, going back its really going to upset your partner and totally confuse them about why you would do that. It would be difficult for them to see it as anything other than regretting the marriage not the name change.