Partner doesn't want me to change my surname

[Namechangers1]

I married my partner in my 30s and changed my surname to his on all my legal documents. Last year I realised I would prefer to keep my maiden name and want to change it back, but my husband is really resistant and won't accept it.
Aibu to change my surname back to my maiden name?

Maybe it's an emotional response to your father's death and you haven't thought through enough how your DH feels about this. Confused I should think. Worried perhaps.

Personally I think you might be paving the way for some unintended consequences.

I got married young and changed my surname, didn’t give it much thought it was just the thing to do. Years later, when I got divorced I reverted to my original surname. This meant having to send off the decree absolute (along with birth and marriage certificate) to some places like DVLA, bank, HR at work for them to action the name change. Other places it was just a simple letting them know, school, utility companies etc.

As you won’t have a decree absolute (think it’s now called something else), you may have some additional issues. Just a heads up.

I find it interesting that you use both "partner" and "husband". It suggests to me you may be uncomfortable with the idea of having a husband?

Choose whatever name you like.

Thanks for all the insights. I have explained to DH that I changed my name more for convenience and it didn't and shouldn't make a difference to our relationship. I said that I married him because I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together but I didn't necessarily want to spend my life with a completely different name.
I didn't want to make a statement but the main problem is that he laughs when I mention changing my name. Suggesting that he changed his name is not something that would ever be negotiable even though I did exactly that when we married.
Fully understand I made the change consciously, but never realized at the time that he didn't understand or totally didn't get that a women changing their name is a big deal.

That's something that pissed me off after my divorce. It was amicable & I left him but the ballache and cost of getting rid of his name really annoyed me given he didn't have to change a damn thing. Imagine if he'd been abusive & we'd split & then I was punished further by the system by paying & reams of paperwork & proofs etc etc to get my own name back.

How long have you been together? Could he find it amusing because you’re talking about stuff like that even though you haven’t split up?

Anyone can change their name in the UK by swearing an affidavit. It’s not complicated in itself.

When I married my hubby we both double-barrelled to take each other's last names. Why I would lose mine and he keep his is beyond me.
I'm also a Ms (Miss at school - primary teacher).
I've been open and honest with the kids that have asked me if I'm married and explained you don't have to lose your last name or change your title.

Of course he laughed. Men generally see women as possessions and the weaker sex. Even the most progressive of them.

@RockGirl Well thank God my husband is the exception! He knew there was zero chance of me becoming Mrs Hisname!!

Do they?

plenty men do not see their wives as possessions , but equal partners.

Extremely rude of him to laugh.

@2chocolateoranges So why do so many women still become Mrs Hisname upon marriage?! To me that is absolutely not indicating an equal partnership.

Because they want to? For most people getting married that is part of it, taking his name, joining his family, tradition, wanting everyone have the same name etc just because it’s the norm doesn’t mean it’s not an equal partnership

I always regretted changing my name when I married. I did it because I was younger and it was just a 'part' of the marriage process I thought. And there was never any hint that it wasn't mandatory. sigh I look at who I was back then and how far I've come. A woman giving up her own name goes against everything i understand the older I get.
I would expect my dds to keep their names, only because of who they are but if they chose to change it I would respect that decision.
The first thing I did when I divorced was change my name back. So freeing and so 'me'. My children had a different name and it made zero difference to any of us. Two have since changed to mine.

In your case OP, I would leave the ones still in your maiden name and just change back. Especially with him laughing at you 🤬
Just do it without talking about it and then bring it up if and when you need to. Pretty sure you can 'be known as' if it will keep the peace with your DH. Then again, you'd expect the person who loves you to respect your feelings on the matter and understand that you don't need to have the same name to be a family. The symbol of 'belonging' to him is outdated and unnecessary

@Chichimcgee I joined his family but absolutely equally he also joined mine.

If it was equal there would be just as many husbands taking their wives names.

There are lots of women who want to take their husbands name. Their choice doesn’t matter because it doesn’t fit in with your feminist ideals?

For me personally, it's important that I share the same surname as my children. I understand you're grieving right now. Give yourself a year, see how you feel about the surname, then.

@Chichimcgee I wonder how many women actually make that conscious choice though? Is everyone aware you don't automatically become Mrs and/or Hisname upon marriage?
Same with titles.
I'm married and the vast, vast majority of people address me as Mrs. I really don't like it!

A choice which often isn't made freely by women.

I think I’d have to be very foolish indeed to imagine these choices are made in a vacuum free from all societal pressure.

I reverted to my maiden name after being happily married for 20 years several years ago. Still am happily married to the same husband. Children have DHs surname and mutter occasionally about adding mine.

No angst, no fuss. Downloaded a change of name form free from the internet and had it witnessed. It’s been accepted everywhere it’s needed to be, alongside birth and marriage certs to show ‘trail’.

The people it affects - DH and the DC are not hurt, upset or offended. They didn’t laugh when I said I wanted to do it and understood my reasons.

I'm sorry your DH is not supportive of your choice @Namechangers1

@thegirlwithkaleidoscopeeyes Fair play to you! May I ask why you made the choice to revert back?

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I think this might be a knee-jerk reaction to your loss. When I lost my dad I wondered if I should have kept my maiden name 5 years previously when I got married; I was clinging onto anything that would make me feel close to my dad. Three years on, I know I don’t need to have his name to feel close to him. I don’t want to get into a debate about whether you should or shouldn’t have your husbands name, clearly everyone feels differently, just bear in mind that you may feel differently when the grief is less fresh.