To choose to just want one child

[Strawberry06]

I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant and starting to prepare for our sons arrival.

He will be our only child which both DH and I agree on. Mainly due to one being enough to worry about in this world but also in terms of splitting our time, devotion etc, I just don't think we could do it.

Our ages may also be a factor. I am 37 in 6 months and DH will be 40 in October. I know people have babies well into their late 30s/early 40s and that's totally fine but personally it's not for me. Even if we were younger I think we'd feel the same.

Anyway for a bit of context, I come from a very small family. My Dad was an only child and I have no grandparents left. I only have a sister who is 5 years older than me but we aren't close and never have been really.

DH comes from a huge family. He has two older brothers and two younger sisters as well as numerous Aunts & Uncles.

Now I'm fully aware of the whole 'only child syndrome' stigma but I believe this is just a society thing and its ultimately down to how we raise him. I look at my Dad and he is my absolute hero and always been so generous and kind, I would never have said he was 'spoilt' or anything negative coming from being an only child. That's why I was shocked when speaking to my mum over Christmas cause we were talking about us only having one child and she seemed skeptical and said that even my Dad had his ways which shocked me!

It got me wondering and wanting to hear from others who openly decided that they just wanted one child? What has your experience been like?

Nothing wrong with that. I am an only and want one child myself.
After 16 months ttc I will consider myself lucky to have just one healthy child

I'm an only and I have an only adult daughter.

Been great up til now I have started to be concerned that dd will end up on her own. She's approaching 30 and no interest in having a partner or children.

Her family is just me and her and my elderly parents who are in their 90s. She doesn't see her father.

Having said that, I've never wanted more than one so wouldn't change it.

Just one for me. All I see around me are larger families looking harassed, frazzled and fedup. One of our friends has two and is miserable. Another couple are struggling with the siblings fighting. Absolutely refuse to sacrifice my body, time and money for another child.

Fine, also fine to change your mind at a later stage.

To be fair if she doesn't want a partner or children it sounds like she's happy being on her own. I'm an only child and have no interest in a partner either!

Perfectly reasonable!

However, I would say, I have two, and once you get past the baby phase, they play with each other, and then you can actually get on with things!!

I decided on one. Life was easy. Then 5 years later I got broody. Now I think how stupid I was to only want 1. Life is much richer!

I could've written your post word for word! See my recent thread lol!

Totally reasonable but be very prepared for literally every Tom, Dick and Harry upon finding out you're one and done to somehow think they know better and tell you you'll change your mind at some point.

We are similar albeit DS is now 4.5. He was a factor for us (I had him at 36) and finances, to a certain extent. It also took us 3 years to conceive (which included a failed IVF cycle) and neither of us wants to go through that again.

If circumstances were different, we might have had a second (my DH would have been keener than me) but we're both very happy with our decision to have one; it was a decision made in pregnancy too. I've never had a single yearning for a second even when friends/family were having subsequent children (eg my younger SIL and two cousins are all having their seconds in the next few months). I like other people's babies but am always very glad to hand them back!

The only person who seems to care is my DM who has told me I'm selfish for only having one but she says a lot of shit like that which I ignore totally. I love our little life, especially as DS has got older, and I'm in a great place with my career and pretty content with my lot.

I’m the same age as you and had a baby a few months ago, I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. Realistically I would need to have another one sooner rather than later and honestly it feels like hell right now! If we only had one then I would be happy with our lot.

I'm an only child and our daughter will be an only child too. I can't imagine having another baby - never could. Always felt my friends who had siblings had really chaotic homes and I always felt happy to go home and it just be quiet and calm!

I've got an only, and I am an only. DH has one sister 8 years older who he speaks to maybe once a year. My curiosity about parenthood has been well and truly satisfied and nobody ever says anything. Maybe it's because I'm 39 and DS is 5? DH has had the snip so deffo no more.

@mynameiscalypso I think its anything but selfish. More selfish to have another just cause '2 kids is the norm' even when you know its not within your capabilities. My sister has 2 and like @Freshair1 said they are always fighting and as a family they are always stressed. I personally think she only had another cause of the whole 2.4 children thing.

We were ambivalent about having any so one is an achievement! My husband is an only, I have two brothers but neither have children. She only has one living grandparent. So my daughter has a very small family.

I've never felt any pressure or judgement to have more, and had my daughter at 43. Over half of my close female friends are child free by choice, and I would have been happy not having any (I've never felt that yearning or broodiness other people seem to)

Even if I wanted another, the impact on our relationships (mine and husband's, ours with daughter) would be too great, our quality of life would go down plus the chaos of more would be enough to put me off. Plus being pregnant, and giving birth is rubbish. Even though mine were straightforward, it's not an experience I'd want to repeat.

I have 2 younger brothers myself and decided before having children I only ever wanted one. I now have DS10 and still very happy with just the one. i can devote everything to him and we are that cringey family who just seem to really get on and have lots of fun together.

I can't rule out changing my mind, but I'm fairly certain my eleven week old baby is it for me.

I am enjoying it, and I want to continue enjoying it. Which for me, means not biting off more than I can chew. I also had a horrible pregnancy with HG for six months and a potentially dangerous labour. Plus I'm 35, and have had various health issues in the past few years. I don't want to put my body through another pregnancy any time soon, which means I'd be almost 38 by the time we were trying again.

Finally, I was part of a major early years project in which all sorts of contexts for development were studied and addressed, and only children never came up as an issue.

(Grandparent care WAS an identifiable issue - where grandparents were strict, children were less engaged with play etc, wouldn't climb on things when encouraged.)

One of my best friends from school is an only, has no family and is single and child free by choice (she's in her 40s) Her life is far more interesting than mine, and has a social life that tires me out just hearing about it!

I have an 18 month old and she will be an only

1. Could imagine doing the pregnancy/ newborn lack of sleep with two kids!!
2. I don’t get the notion that they will have a sibling to spend time and holidays with. I have 2 brothers and a sister and see my sister every month or so and one brother a couple of times a year and the other brother once every decade!! My friends are more family than my siblings
3. I can - hopefully- travel a lot easier and cheaper with one child and as a family of three can easily fit into one hotel room
4. If I wanted to look at a private school I can budget for one child instead of double for two kids

No regrets here I will just make sure she has lots of social opportunities to share etc

So happy I found this!

My DD is almost 2 and we absolutely adore her. It seems to just get that bit easier as the months go by and my and DH are happy just having her. We couldn't/wouldn't want to add another for many, many reasons and we want to be comfortable. The only reason I would want a second is purely for DD's sake, that she isn't lonely. but for me that's not a good enough reason. And they could very well not even get along! But it's great to hear those with 1 DC have happy children!

I also agree that most families I see with 2 children just look stressed and miserable all the time, which may not be the case but certainly seems to be with the things people have said, especially revolving around childcare!

I have absolutely no desire to have another baby, nor does DH. and this thread has made me feel happier with our decision!

@PurpleOrchid42 Can I ask what age yours started playing together? Have a three month old and a 2 and a half year old and am awaiting this stage with bated breath!

I don’t have an only but have a few friends who do. I see that they seem to have close relationships with their children, less stress, more money and holidays, more freedom etc. Also they tend to be the ones who pro-actively arrange meet ups with us and our kids so their child spends time with other children. Honestly just do what you want, either way has its advantages and disadvantages and is absolutely none of anyone else’s business.

This is a really helpful thread - @thecatsthecats do you have any more info on the early years project report? Would love to read it - our son is 7 months and likely to be an only

Ignore posters who confidently declare that two children is easier/better because they play together and will be friends when they're older. That might happen, but it might not.

For every family I know where the siblings get on and play, there is another where they don't. We just had a family stay where the 7 year old totally ignored his 4 year old sister for 3 straight days and each of the parents were effectively parenting one of them at a time.

Yes I only wanted one, definitively, no way would I do it again.....until mine was about 6 months old and I was desperate to make about 10 more of her. Am currently trying for no.2 but that definitely will be our last.