To choose to just want one child

[Strawberry06]

I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant and starting to prepare for our sons arrival.

He will be our only child which both DH and I agree on. Mainly due to one being enough to worry about in this world but also in terms of splitting our time, devotion etc, I just don't think we could do it.

Our ages may also be a factor. I am 37 in 6 months and DH will be 40 in October. I know people have babies well into their late 30s/early 40s and that's totally fine but personally it's not for me. Even if we were younger I think we'd feel the same.

Anyway for a bit of context, I come from a very small family. My Dad was an only child and I have no grandparents left. I only have a sister who is 5 years older than me but we aren't close and never have been really.

DH comes from a huge family. He has two older brothers and two younger sisters as well as numerous Aunts & Uncles.

Now I'm fully aware of the whole 'only child syndrome' stigma but I believe this is just a society thing and its ultimately down to how we raise him. I look at my Dad and he is my absolute hero and always been so generous and kind, I would never have said he was 'spoilt' or anything negative coming from being an only child. That's why I was shocked when speaking to my mum over Christmas cause we were talking about us only having one child and she seemed skeptical and said that even my Dad had his ways which shocked me!

It got me wondering and wanting to hear from others who openly decided that they just wanted one child? What has your experience been like?

I'm an only child. I now have 6 children, make of that what you will.

I have read a lot of these only child threads & I often find the parents of one seem very balanced & supportive of others whereas it’s the parents of multiples making sweeping generalisations about only children. If you’re happy with your two or more children why do you feel the need to make others feel inadequate?

All planned?

So true! It happens in real life too. I've genuinely never judged anyone for having more than one child but the minute parents who have more than one learn mine is an only you inevitably get so many bitchy comments my favorite being oh you'd never know.

I'm 1 of 3 and chose to have 1. Make of that what you will.

@HeartShapedBox I'm also one of 3 and now only have one child-make of that what you will 🤷‍♀️

We love having one child (even though we both have siblings).

He is 10 now so definitely won't be anymore. Once the baby and early toddler stage were done, he became so much easier and life is easier.

He is very sociable with lots of friends. We have a great time both at home and out and about.
We can go out for a meal and it's relaxing and nice. Holidays are great. We are not stretched financially and can give him lots of time and attention.

Honestly, you couldn't pay me to have another!

I'm an only child, and I only had one child. Recently (its my 50th birthday today), I've been thinking that my circle is very very small, I got married this last September and only had 26 people there, very intimate setting, I don't have a large Christmas gathering, and have taken to going away for new year and birthday because I don't have a large family and celebrating is very low key when it's just 4 people (mum, husband and son), I suppose what I'm trying to say is it could be very lonely as an only child depending on their circle...

We've got an only, she's 24 and wonderful. Has lots of good friends.

As far as the 'only children are often burdened with caring for their elderly parents with no one to share the load' -
firstly that can happen if people have more than one child anyway, that one ends up 'carrying the load'. Or none do - I had an uncle with 4 kids. 3 emigrated and the other was killed in a car crash.
Secondly, if you only have one child (especially a bit older after you've established your careers) then you are likely to be more financially secure and able to sort out your own care than if you've had multiple children to support. We've got no intention of being a burden to our DD.

Yes I’m sure it’s not just only children who turn out like that. She’s struggling massively with being the only child looking after a sick parent though, that part is incredibly hard

Because the parents I know who planned to only have one are smug. The ones who wanted 2 or more but couldn't are less so.

I wouldn't dream of saying they should have another but when they see my dds having a tiff they think it's fine to give their option,?

Or you spend every hour sorting out constant squabbling and arguing. Vying for attention. Fighting. Crying. “It’s not faaaaaair”.

I'm one of five who grew up presuming I'd have a big family. Circumstances (death of DH) left me with just DS, then 2 years old, now 15.

He's a lovely, kind, sociable teenager. He absolutely dotes on his little cousins. Many of his friends are also only children. It's really not so unusual these days at all. We have a cracking life together, and I have the energy and finances to provide for him.

If you were to find yourself parenting solo for whatever reason, one is doable without martyring your own life.

Until I fell pregnant, which was completely unplanned, I would have been happy to remain childless. I was absolutely ecstatic to discover I was going to be a mum though and DD is 29 now. She's an only child as I never had any wish to have more children and I've never regretted it; I'm an only child and so is her dad. I have an amazing relationship with DD, we're very close, and she does with her dad too and I'm not sure it would have been the same if she'd had a sibling. Her and her partner are thinking of TTC fairly soon and it's possible they'll only have one too. There's no right/wrong or should/shouldn't, it's entirely up to you how many children you have and it's nothing whatsoever to do with anyone else.

It’s interesting that on these threads everyone who chose to have a single was one of a few and don’t get on with any. Whereas everyone I know is very close to their adult siblings; especially 2 sisters

Not necessarily. I'm an identical twin I love my doppelganger to death and we speak most days, sometimes more than once. That lovely relationship didn't alter my mind to only have more children.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I am 35 and thinking I might only have one child myself now. I am also an only child as is my mum. In my experience only children seem to be literally the same as anybody else! The only common traits I can think of amongst the ones I know is that only children seem to be quieter, thoughtful and down to earth.

Also they tend to be the ones who pro-actively arrange meet ups with us and our kids so their child spends time with other children

Funny how ‘only’ parents see families with multiples of children - never just another only.

when mine were young I got fed up of the ‘just one more won’t be an issue’ as they slung their only at me for the afternoon!

Never again.

I can assure you that envy is not part of it at all .

How amusing you think it is.

It's not about the money (which I could have afforded anyway) but my children are now very grown up with their own homes.

If your dad 'has his ways' it will be due to his personality and possibly how he was raised, not to do with how many siblings he didn't have. The most spoilt adult I know is one of 5. The youngest, with a 7 year gap between him and the next oldest, and the only boy with 4 older sisters!

I only ever wanted one child. I was an older mum (36) and had an emergency section which was quite traumatic so even if I had thought about more, that made my mind up.

My DS is almost 19 now and he loves being an only child. Hes always said he never wanted siblings. We were conscious to get him mixing with other children from a young age and he’s still got some friends from primary school. He’s a quiet lad but don’t know if that’s just him and nothing to do with being an only.

If your child is aged under one then I seriously doubt that she 'wants' £50 worth of new toys every week.

And I can assure you, I'm not envious of your approach.

Also my grandma had six kids and only my dad helps!

I second this! I am an only child - have no children myself currently - and people constantly tell me ''you don't seem like you are an only child''; I also never know what this means, but I think there is a stigma about being an only child and there is an insinuation you are spoiled or weird in some way. I have always been very happy the way things are, and don't think I'm spoiled. It hasn't impacted my ability to build relationships at all and have a good relationship with my parents. I'm also very content with my own company, which I think is a great thing, whereas my friends with siblings say they don't like being on their own at all in general.

The one thing I would say is that being an only one, I'm now 29 for context, I feel very aware that there is nobody to share my troubles with about my parents, that truly understand. They were 40 when they had me, and I'm acutely aware they are going into their 70s and I am potentially going to be handling their care etc without a sibling to help me, both practically and emotionally. I'm from a very small family so also don't have other relatives to rely on. I don't see this as a bad thing per se, as I'm happy to repay them with everything they have done for me, but I don't feel people in general - also including my parents - think about this. I do really wish I had a sibling now at my age, but saying that, I know it's not a given to have a good relationship with them and understand the issues that come with that would have been hard to navigate.

I wish you all the best 😊