To choose to just want one child

[Strawberry06]

I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant and starting to prepare for our sons arrival.

He will be our only child which both DH and I agree on. Mainly due to one being enough to worry about in this world but also in terms of splitting our time, devotion etc, I just don't think we could do it.

Our ages may also be a factor. I am 37 in 6 months and DH will be 40 in October. I know people have babies well into their late 30s/early 40s and that's totally fine but personally it's not for me. Even if we were younger I think we'd feel the same.

Anyway for a bit of context, I come from a very small family. My Dad was an only child and I have no grandparents left. I only have a sister who is 5 years older than me but we aren't close and never have been really.

DH comes from a huge family. He has two older brothers and two younger sisters as well as numerous Aunts & Uncles.

Now I'm fully aware of the whole 'only child syndrome' stigma but I believe this is just a society thing and its ultimately down to how we raise him. I look at my Dad and he is my absolute hero and always been so generous and kind, I would never have said he was 'spoilt' or anything negative coming from being an only child. That's why I was shocked when speaking to my mum over Christmas cause we were talking about us only having one child and she seemed skeptical and said that even my Dad had his ways which shocked me!

It got me wondering and wanting to hear from others who openly decided that they just wanted one child? What has your experience been like?

Not sure why that would be unreasonable. Do what you want.

My child is 5 and an only. I want to have more children in the future (I had him young), but he’s basically going to be raised as an only for most of his childhood. I wouldn’t say there are any issues in terms of ‘only child syndrome’ or whatever nonsense people like to say about only children. He’s generous, kind to other children (and always has been), he’s never had issues sharing. He’s definitely not spoilt in terms of material things.

The only downside is more the impact on me/my time and how much I can give to him. I’m a single mum and it is hard giving him the attention he needs as he doesn’t have anyone else to chat to or play with at home. He relies solely on me, which is difficult as I work long hours and it’s hard keeping up with other domestic tasks. I often feel guilty and find myself wishing he had a sibling for company. However, before my ex and I split it was easier. I’m not sure if the issue is more me being a single mum than him being an only child.
He definitely seems to benefit from the one-on-one attention he gets from me. He’s very confident with adults and children, he will always find a random friend to play with at the park/play centre and he will happily chat away to adults he doesn’t know. Also, he’s never mentioned wanting a sibling or raised the subject at all.
I think in balance, only children do just fine and get more attention. I think it works well if you have a strong and happy situation with your partner. It’s definitely easier as a little trio.

We're one-and-done. I have a sibling, we don't get on. She and our father are NC. I have a tumultuous relationship with both her and our mother. Dsis and I are in two different countries, neither of which our parents live in. DH is one of 6, they're an interesting mix of down to earth people and eejits.

DH is more than happy with one, I'm more than happy with one, our child is more than happy being one. He has never, in 13 years, asked for a sibling. He is kind, considerate, never jealous, never grabby, he's polite. Starting to get a bit teenagery, but compared to some of his peers (a mix of also onlies and those with siblings) he's a fucking dream!!

Only once has anyone asked, when he was around 3yo, if we'd have another - I recoiled and said 'good god no! Only if science can help DH to have the next one', and promptly got a dog 🤓

Zero regrets. Zero.

I am a teacher and I teach a few only children. Many seem, on the surface, quite 'spoilt' but it's often because their parents have completely over indulged and 'mollycoddled' them. I guess they're more at risk of this being an only child. Probably where the stereotype comes from.

I'm not saying I agree with it, as there are also plenty of children with siblings who are extremely spoilt too.

I am an only child and found it very lonely.

@Crishell but surely in an ideal world all children would be ‘spoilt’

DD isn’t even one and we spend about £50 a week on new toys for her, as she is our absolute world. 2024 I hope we can stop spending like this but I doubt it.

but I don’t see why it’s necessarily a bad thing for children’s every need to be satisfied, surely that would be the goal for any parent

I'd hate to be an only. My siblings are a huge part of my life. I have 2 kids. I think it would be very dull for them.

You are happy with one. That is all that matters and your child won't know any different.

@Planeflames I disagree. I see my sister and her husband buying endless toys for my niece and nephew, and they just open them and chuck them. They don't appreciate the value of things because they are completely overwhelmed with 'stuff'.

DH on the other hand never had much as a child (he was 1 of 5) and although some say he's very tight with money, he's always looked after what he's got, because what he's got was never much.

We are determined not to overindulge our son and will be asking grandparents etc not to go mental for Christmas and birthdays there's just no need. There's only so many toys they need.

As a side note, I took my niece shopping to spend a voucher I got her for her birthday. She really wanted a cyber pet and so used the voucher to get one. Later that afternoon she dropped it due to not looking after it properly and it broke. She just assumed we'd go back to the shop and exchange it for a new one until I told her we absolutely wouldn't be doing that! Might sound harsh but I just thought what does that teach her if we had!

You know what happens to children raised like this? They ask you for money for everything until you die, or they go into massive debt as young adults. Sometimes both.

"Needs", yes. No 1 year old "needs" £13,000 of toys before they're even old enough to start school.

Are you serious?

@SecondHandFurniture aye of course they do

I bet your commenting this based on anecdotal evidence based on a small handful of people.

joker

I only have one and he is nearly an adult. It's been wonderful and he loves being an only. His life has never been dull as we've done so much with him. He's been to so many places and seen so many things. I have a sibling, we argued and fought all through childhood and now rarely speak. I really wish I'd been an only!

@wutheringkites whats strange about it? Toy rotation is a thing, she will keep something for a few weeks and then we donate and rotate.

Again, as someone whose experience.comes from actual early years research rather than anecdata, this is simply not true.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I hear what you’re saying but I have friends whose sibling relationships have completely broken down while caring for a dying parent. It has left them feeling as though they’ve lost all their family at the same time - grieving, abandoned, and so very lonely.

I have one dd - wanted another but went into early menopause so it didn't happen.
I think the only child stigma isn't as bad as it used to be, loads of dd's friends are onlies.
Our life as a family of 3 is great, looking back, l am not sure l would have had the capacity for another

I'm not sure you've understood the concept of toy rotation.

An only here who decided on just the one. Age and time to conceive played a role in that choice but the main reason was that he was such an easy baby we weren't sure how things would be if a second was a nightmare. DS was a very bright and happy soul who never seemed bothered by the lack of a sibling. No regrets.

I have an only aged 6. In the last year or so I wanted another child (fleetingly) but I'm almost 39 and DDs dad is a lazy sod (we still together just about) and I refuse to have another child to give DD a sibling and be run ragged. The first 3 years were very hard and it's just getting a little easier, so I won't be going back to the baby stages.
I don't know many people who get on fantastically with their siblings. My brother's a drug addict. I love him but he brings very little happiness to mine or my parents lives in truth.

I think if you have an only, as long as you try to organise playdates it's all good. DD and I have lots of friends and are always doing something.
She's only rarely asked me about a sibling, and doesn't seem bothered or lonely. She's very sociable, active, loves doing crafts.

People will always make comments (in my experience) but it's no issue, they won't be raising the children!
Enjoy your life with your child.
Do not confirm to what society dictates or feel guilty or anything x

We were similar ages for DD1 and adamant we would only have one. DD2 arrived 2 years later, with an interim miscarriage, and we would have gone for number 3 soon after if I hadn't been so poorly in pregnancy.
Enjoy your baby, and never say never.....

It's completely your choice.

If you were to have two, you'd be 37-38 and the risks of abnormalities do rise if that bothers you. Having said that, my Mum was a month off 37 when she had my brother. There is an almost 10 year gap between us so I felt like an only child and as he's a boy, we had nothing in common. I left home for uni when he was 9.

I did feel lonely at times and always wanted a sister. I think my childhood made me quite introverted as I spent a lot of time with my parents and maybe found it harder to make friends than kids who had siblings.

The only think I'd say now (as someone old enough to be your Mum) is that only children are often burdened with caring for their elderly parents with no one to share the load.

That's not a reason to have another child.

TTC in our 20s and contemplating sticking at one.

Finances, time, energy, sleep, ability to work. Literally so many reasons. Having two seems hard and I think I’d struggle with making it equal too and I would feel guilty

You do understand that a one year old no concept of a new toy and they'd be as happy with the box it came in, or your pans and a wooden spoon?

You are really buying the toys for yourself to make you feel a better parent.
It's actually quite sad that you feel the need to do this.

All kids want is time and fun. That doesn't have to include plastic, going into landfill.

@LemonyDrizzleCakes love a bit of thinly veiled envy on a Tuesday afternoon.

Im a great parent, I buy her what she wants because I can. As does DH.

Unfortunately DD isn’t a box lover, she does like the item inside and gets a lot from them then moves on like any other child

You can have mine....they were worse than useless when it came to caring for my parents or helping to organise their funerals. I may as well have been an only child for all the support I had from my 2 sisters.