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Original poster

To choose to just want one child

121 replies

Strawberry06 · 02/01/2024 13:43

I am nearly 35 weeks pregnant and starting to prepare for our sons arrival.

He will be our only child which both DH and I agree on. Mainly due to one being enough to worry about in this world but also in terms of splitting our time, devotion etc, I just don't think we could do it.

Our ages may also be a factor. I am 37 in 6 months and DH will be 40 in October. I know people have babies well into their late 30s/early 40s and that's totally fine but personally it's not for me. Even if we were younger I think we'd feel the same.

Anyway for a bit of context, I come from a very small family. My Dad was an only child and I have no grandparents left. I only have a sister who is 5 years older than me but we aren't close and never have been really.

DH comes from a huge family. He has two older brothers and two younger sisters as well as numerous Aunts & Uncles.

Now I'm fully aware of the whole 'only child syndrome' stigma but I believe this is just a society thing and its ultimately down to how we raise him. I look at my Dad and he is my absolute hero and always been so generous and kind, I would never have said he was 'spoilt' or anything negative coming from being an only child. That's why I was shocked when speaking to my mum over Christmas cause we were talking about us only having one child and she seemed skeptical and said that even my Dad had his ways which shocked me!

It got me wondering and wanting to hear from others who openly decided that they just wanted one child? What has your experience been like?

OP posts:
Glamgwen · 02/01/2024 14:28

We have an only child. He's 8 and wonderful. Like other people he was a much-wanted baby conceived when I was 36 after years of fertility treatment. I never wanted to go through it again so we haven't. Both myself an DH have siblings/step siblings but we're not close to any of them (and one of my step-siblings is an absolute nightmare) and they've never been involved in DS's life.

I love that we can give DS so much more of our time and attention that if we had more, not to mention the financial advantages of being an only child. My only slight niggle is that he has a very small family and realistically once grandparents are no longer here he will only have us. But that's how it is and there's no guarantee he would get on with siblings even if he had them. By coincidence there are quite a few only children in his year at school so it's very much the norm for him.

Whatsthestorynow · 02/01/2024 14:28

We have an only partly through choice & partly through circumstance. I remember someone saying on here that there are pros & cons to every size of family & I think that sums it up. It’s much more common to have one child now. I know a few adult only children & they do not fit the stereotype of an only child at all!

Planeflames · 02/01/2024 14:32

For me I have one, and am 99% sure I want to stay at one.

Im not 100% so as we had an IvF baby we have paid for our spares to be frozen for 10 years so we have that option.

I don’t know one single parent with more than one child who doesn't have a favorite, so for me, knowing my favorite would be DD (because she is absolutely perfect) it wouldn’t be fair. I’d also not want to risk having a boy - mean I know but we’d need to travel for sex selective IVF

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/01/2024 14:34

I'd give my right arm to have a sibling again.

It was awful caring for an elderly parent by myself.. The burden is huge. No one to share childhood memories with. No aunties, uncles or cousins for DC.

I fucking hate it. The idea of them being left alone keeps me awake at night.

I will be encouraging dc to have more than one.

Zanatdy · 02/01/2024 14:36

The only one of my friends to be an only child was pretty spoilt - she did fit the often misjudged imagine of an only child. She’s mellowed with age

Original poster
Strawberry06 · 02/01/2024 14:38

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/01/2024 14:34

I'd give my right arm to have a sibling again.

It was awful caring for an elderly parent by myself.. The burden is huge. No one to share childhood memories with. No aunties, uncles or cousins for DC.

I fucking hate it. The idea of them being left alone keeps me awake at night.

I will be encouraging dc to have more than one.

You say that but I have an older sister. She doesn't have a relationship with my parents or me. I am much closer to them. I fully accept that it will be me looking after them as they get into old age.

I also don't share any childhood memories with my sister. I do share them with my parents and even my husband (even though he wasn't there) but I find pleasure in reminiscing for myself.

OP posts:
muggart · 02/01/2024 14:40

The vast majority of the adult only children I know are inward looking, mildly unhappy and struggle to hold down long term relationships. For that reason I'm trying to have a sibling for my (currently only) child. No doubt the negative effects of being an only child can be mitigated against but I'm not sure id be able to do that effectively. I do feel that only children miss out on some important developmental skills.

Whinge · 02/01/2024 14:41

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/01/2024 14:34

I'd give my right arm to have a sibling again.

It was awful caring for an elderly parent by myself.. The burden is huge. No one to share childhood memories with. No aunties, uncles or cousins for DC.

I fucking hate it. The idea of them being left alone keeps me awake at night.

I will be encouraging dc to have more than one.

There are plenty of families where it's left to one sibling to care for aging parents, having a sibling doesn't mean they'll provide help and support.

As for being alone. Their life will be filled with many people who aren't related to them. Having siblings doesn't guarantee they will be a part of their lives, plenty of people choose to move away and go no contact with family members.

Freshair1 · 02/01/2024 14:43

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/01/2024 14:34

I'd give my right arm to have a sibling again.

It was awful caring for an elderly parent by myself.. The burden is huge. No one to share childhood memories with. No aunties, uncles or cousins for DC.

I fucking hate it. The idea of them being left alone keeps me awake at night.

I will be encouraging dc to have more than one.

Not obligated to care for parents. It's wrong to assume siblings should be involved. People have their own lives.

iLovee · 02/01/2024 14:43

You need to do whatever feels right for you and your family! You don't need to justify your decision to anyone else.

I have 2, and I found my love multiplied - not halved as I was expecting. BUT time and money is definitely a factor you can't ignore.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/01/2024 14:46

Strawberry06 · 02/01/2024 14:38

You say that but I have an older sister. She doesn't have a relationship with my parents or me. I am much closer to them. I fully accept that it will be me looking after them as they get into old age.

I also don't share any childhood memories with my sister. I do share them with my parents and even my husband (even though he wasn't there) but I find pleasure in reminiscing for myself.

Show quote history

I know there are no guarantees but many people have happy, loving relationships with their siblings.

Once your parents are gone and your siblings pass you feel like you have no anchor. Especially if it happens at a younger age. It's truly awful.

I know some people are very happy being an only child. But I have seen it from both sides and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy to be honest.

fertessa · 02/01/2024 14:46

I have one dd who is a teenager now. I've loved being a parent of an only. There have been so many things we've been able to do together and I've been able to focus more on myself as an individual in a way that I couldn't if we had more dc.

I think it's very brave to be open about wanting an only. Society judges you for it so I have never spoken much about it - I always changed the subject when people asked if I'd be having more, and I let them assume that it wasn't entirely out of choice (that shuts down any criticism as people think you will burst into tears if they question why you don't have any more dcs). That suited me as I don't want to shout about my life choices to anyone, but I don't want them asking me about it either.

Northernsoul72 · 02/01/2024 14:47

Best of luck with your pregnancy and birth. I have two children but I am an only child. In the course of my life I've had several people say " you don't seem like you would be an only child"...what ever that means. I never minded being an only child and didn't feel I missed out on anything. Some siblings are close, others not. Nothing is a given. Raise your son to be a kind and considerate man. All will be fine

Seadreamers · 02/01/2024 14:48

I’m an only child and DS will be an only child, due to having him as an older mum. I had a horrific 6-week long miscarriage after him and that seriously put me off ttc again. DH agreed so we just have the one. Years down the line I do wish we’d tried for one more but age wasn’t on my side.

Both my parents came from large-ish families but DH only has one sibling, who also has an only child, so I feel sorry that DS will only ever have one cousin. However, it is what it is and I don’t dwell on it.

retinolalcohol · 02/01/2024 14:48

I have two siblings and I'm not even half as close to them as I am my closest friend - same for her. She doesn't speak to her sibling at all in fact, because he is an arse.

Having more than one child doesn't guarantee anything at all. I have been terribly lonely in my life and having siblings didn't change that one bit. I have still struggled through things on my own. If my parents need care when they are older, it will only fall to me - both of my siblings have moved.

So if you only want one OP, just have one. It's no one else's place to try to convince you into creating another life to keep the first one company 🤷🏼‍♀️

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/01/2024 14:48

Freshair1 · 02/01/2024 14:43

Not obligated to care for parents. It's wrong to assume siblings should be involved. People have their own lives.

Show quote history

Well I loved my parents so yes I felt like that was my obligation.

My sibling, had they not died, would have felt the same.

wutheringkites · 02/01/2024 14:49

Zanatdy · 02/01/2024 14:36

The only one of my friends to be an only child was pretty spoilt - she did fit the often misjudged imagine of an only child. She’s mellowed with age

I'm one of 5 and two of my siblings are incredibly selfish, antisocial and uncooperative people. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whinge · 02/01/2024 14:49

Well I loved my parents so yes I felt like that was my obligation.

You can love your parents and still not want to be their carer.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/01/2024 14:51

Whinge · 02/01/2024 14:49

Well I loved my parents so yes I felt like that was my obligation.

You can love your parents and still not want to be their carer.

But I wanted to and there is nothing wrong with that.

muggart · 02/01/2024 14:52

Right but imagine how much worse they might be if they hadn't had siblings to adjust to as children. That in itself will have taught them to make little compromises daily @wutheringkites

YourNameGoesHere · 02/01/2024 14:52

Whinge · 02/01/2024 14:49

Well I loved my parents so yes I felt like that was my obligation.

You can love your parents and still not want to be their carer.

Indeed and you only have to look at the thousands of threads on here to see that sometimes siblings make the last years of caring for and the loss of a parent so much harder and that's if the sibling even helps out at all.

As I said above there's absolutely no reason to not have an only but there's always plenty of people trying to try to shame or guilt you if you choose that path.

KT8282 · 02/01/2024 14:54

100% yours and your partner’s choice, don’t let anyone make you feel bad about having one. There are pros and cons to being an only child (I am one), my cons were exacerbated by having separated parents so just me and my difficult mother at home. You may find you change your mind over time, which is also fine. After my first pregnancy I didn’t think I could do it again but then changed my mind when DS was a year old; I was 41 and had some frozen blastocysts from our IVF, and it was sort of now or never.

wutheringkites · 02/01/2024 14:57

muggart · 02/01/2024 14:52

Right but imagine how much worse they might be if they hadn't had siblings to adjust to as children. That in itself will have taught them to make little compromises daily @wutheringkites

Or, having to share everything with 4 other children made them selfish. Who knows?

The point is, family size does not determine character and people are more stupid for suggesting it does.

SecondHandFurniture · 02/01/2024 14:59

I'm not selfish, at all. You learn at a young age that you will only get to play with other children if you share, play nicely, take turns.

Ilovelurchers · 02/01/2024 15:01

muggart · 02/01/2024 14:40

The vast majority of the adult only children I know are inward looking, mildly unhappy and struggle to hold down long term relationships. For that reason I'm trying to have a sibling for my (currently only) child. No doubt the negative effects of being an only child can be mitigated against but I'm not sure id be able to do that effectively. I do feel that only children miss out on some important developmental skills.

I'm inward looking, mildly unhappy and struggle to hold down relationships. So have most of my partners been (I am now on my fifth long term relationship), and all of us miserable ones had siblings.

I've only been closely involved with one only child as an adult - my daughter's father - and he is literally the happiest person I have ever known. It didn't work out between us as a couple for a number of reasons, and I don't wish I was with him now, but still I have to say it would be lovely to be him - he is excellent at friendships and honestly just has a real flair for living that I absolutely lack......

It's basically impossible to generalise, and some unsubstantiated prejudices about what your child might or might not be like as an adult is not a reason to bring a whole other being into the world, with all the terrible impact that has on the planet.....

My daughter is an only child and she loves it, and is the least selfish, loveliest person I have ever met by far, and amazingly emotionally intelligent for her age. And yes I am biased. But still......

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