To not work

[User12356]

I have been a sahm for the past 7 years but my kids are all in school now. I am very lucky that I do not have to work because my husband has a great income. We can afford everything we want and can save. I know I am incredibly lucky to be in this position.
My kids are in school 9-2.30 and I spend the afternoon doing homework with them, taking them to various clubs, lessons etc, then making dinner, bedtime etc. My husband works late and is away a lot so it's usually just me with then until bedtime. I do find the evenings a bit repetitive and lonely.
When they are at school I usually exercise, clean etc and I often volunteer for various activities at their schools.
I am a complete introvert and I hugely benefit from the time alone in the morning. It means I am calm and able to cope with the kids all afternoon and evening.
However lately I feel guilty for being at home when I don't have young kids anymore. I feel people are judging me and I am embarrassed to say that I am a sahp.
If I decide to go back to work I am not sure what I would do. I have no big passion. I am quiet and kind and quite boring really. I would have to work mornings only, I would be more exhausted and have less energy for my kids. I also do not know what I would do during school holidays because I have no childcare. Also one of my kids is autistic. He is not difficult but he loves his routines and being at home. I am a low energy person and feel that i can just about

cope with what I do now. I am not bored with being at home, I just feel a bit judged.
Do you think iabu to not work?

I work full time as a doctor (with 2 kids) and I don’t blame you at all for not working!

even when kids are at school they are time consuming. Yes I work but my husband is part time and does a lot of the school runs/child related admin. We would really struggle without him having this flexibility. Neither of us work late or work away. It sounds like it wouldn’t really be feasible for you to work at the moment. If you have an interest/ could set up a business and work flexibly then maybe that could be an option? Or consider studying part time? But I wouldn’t feel guilty

Enjoy your chilled mornings and quality afternoon's with your children.

Who do you feel judged by? Honestly what you do in your own time isn't thought about by other people, they've all got too much going on in their own lives, family, work, friends you not working unless you go on about it all the time won't really register!

Could you do something self employed like cleaning or something alike? Gives you flexibility to work the hours you want to and a little bit of pocket money to save up?

I wouldn't judge a SAHP who had school age kids, I'd just be incredibly envious!

If you don't necessarily need to work, then perhaps some volunteering?

If you are happy with your life, then ignore the judgemental people. In many cases, they are jealous.

I’m incredibly jealous but not judging- enjoy!

Even if you could logistically go back to work, I don't think you should. You sound like you enjoy not working!

I don't have kids. I work in a stressful job that I hate. I'd love to give up work and spend my time as a home maker even though having children hasn't been possible. I have often wondered what makes me stay working - It is in reality only society's judgement that keeps me in my job. I'd hate to think that you were going back to work just because you felt you should. It's such a modern idea that both in a couple have to have an income. Give your children all the love and time you want to give them. And F**ck those who judge :-)

If this set up works for your family that's what matters not what others think. Is your DH happy with the current arrangement? I would be looking to make sure you get CB even if your DH has to pay it back for the pension credits thing, sorry can't remember correct name.

I don't blame you for not working if you don't have to. The only thing I would be considering is that you could be in a tricky situation if you ever split from your high earning dh. Make sure you pay into a pension for you etc. And claim child benefit for the NI contributions even if your dh then has to pay it back.

If your happy and you can afford it then enjoy it. I’d only be a wee bit worried about what you’ll do in a few years when they need you a bit less. It’s good to plan. Could you volunteer /train /do transient work to prepare yourself for going back to work in the future

You don't win any medals for working for the sake of it... I would love to be able to do what you do, probably only part time, but I really would love it. My kids aren't school age yet but I can already sense the number of school things I'd love to get involved in that I just wont have time for. And not getting home until 5.30pm before the inevitable rushed evening where we're all stressed and tired from our long days... Followed by the mad rush to get us all out of the door in the morning. Why would anyone choose this if they didn't have to!

You are at risk if you and your husband ever split. But other than that I don't see any issues.

I do wonder if there's anything you could do to ease your husband's workload though? As in, is there any scenario where you work for some of the time and he drops a day or something. It seems a shame that you can't all spend more time together as a family 🤔

It is a great position to be and you should enjoy it.

But with all the usual ‘what if….’ caveats. What about a pension in your name? What happens if your husband gets long term sick or is permanently unable to work? What happens if your marriage breaks down? Insurances can cover many possible scenarios but not the marriage breakdown one. Having a part time foot in the work place is a sensible place to be.

I know that many schools are struggling to fill TA positions. You may find some flexibility there for mornings only and with your autism experience, I am sure you would be very valuable.

@Whattodo112222 cleaning? of all things to suggest to someone who has stated they cherish their quiet mornings and also that money isn't an issue! Absurd suggestion!

I don't need to work, although the extra money helps with more disposable income.

Our youngest are in nursery 4 days a week, but I didn't work until about 4mths ago. Prior to that, I listed a lot on eBay, all DC clothes, just years of accumulated stuff, and make a good deal each month.

I started a part time job at a charity, as I felt I was becoming something of a hermit. It's the best thing for me. I have something to focus on, I get tremendous job satisfaction, I have new friends and another purpose... Which I would have sworn blind I didn't need, but turns out I really did.

This year, I bought all DC and family Christmas presents out of "my pot" so to speak. And it felt great. Like a physical representation of happiness to others that I'd provided all by myself.

I can always quit if I want too. I have the rest of my life to stay home, should I choose. It makes a huge difference to my mental health, being there because I want to be, not because I have to be.

Honestly you will struggle to find work to suit those hours. Enjoy your life and don't heed the judgement.

I'm jealous! Your life does sound nice (possibly a bit boring & repetitive) so if you have the means to continue as you are, I say crack on. I'm sure no-one is judging you.

Not really..
I thoroughly enjoy cleaning.
Op might too.
It was a suggestion.
Money might not be an issue, but being a SAHM is putting yourself in a vulnerable position, particularly if you're not working.
I know OP is married, but nevertheless, she may want to feel some sense of financial independence away from her husband providing for everything. I obviously can't be sure, but it was literally just a suggestion and doesn't warrant you stamping all over it.

Do what works for you and your family. It's hard having one parent away a lot, I know I'd hate it! Make the most of not needing to work and don't worry about what others are saying - if they're saying anything, it could well just be in your head. If people are judging, they're more than likely jealous so leave them to it. The reality is that if a lot of people had the option to not work, they'd take it and make their lives that bit easier and less of a rush. You crack on and enjoy it!!

You'll regret living your life for fear of being judged. If it works for you and your family, just enjoy what you're doing and stop worrying about other people's perception of your lifestyle.

If you are happy not working and don't need to, don't!
I'd LOVE to have DC free time to do all the boring stuff (housework, meal prep etc) so I could fully enjoy when he's home. So I might look at you enviously, but never with judgement!

I am lucky that I work in a school and have the holidays with him at least 🥰

Your family can make the choice they can fund .

Don't feel guilty if it works for you and you are comfortable financially! I work part time and personally that's the right balance for me, I love my 3 days in work but also need the 2 days at home to get caught up with life admin etc and also have some downtime for me.

Don't worry about what others think or what their lives look like, the only thing that matters is how things work for your family.

@Whattodo112222 and the financial independence can come through cleaning in the mornings? Did you read where she said her slow pace mornings give her the energy to deal with the afternoons and evenings? So how is a stressful cleaning job putting her in a better position. Again. Absurd suggestion.

I don't think you should feel guilty - sounds as if you're doing a good job for your family. But for your own mental stimulation and satisfaction you might want to find something. I was in your position (kind of) and found a role I really enjoyed working part-time at the school. Then I retrained and work self-employed. Have a look at Upwork - there's a huge variety of projects on there that you might enjoy. Then at least you could say "I work part-time" to the nosy people. But do it for you, not them.

Thank you for all the supportive replies, I really was not expecting that.
I know it sounds great to be at home but my life is not perfect. The days can be long and I struggle with anxiety (not due to being a sahp).
My husband loves his job and its not the type of job where he would cut back hours if I work. He is happy I am home because it obviously makes life easier for him.
I do pay into a pension.
I do feel judged and quite boring. Sometimes I feel people don't know what to talk to me about because they can't ask me about work. I guess it doesn't help that I am quite a reserved person.
I never talk about not working or having free time to people. I really respect families where both parents work as I know it can be a juggle and single parents and I would never judge.