To not work

[User12356]

I have been a sahm for the past 7 years but my kids are all in school now. I am very lucky that I do not have to work because my husband has a great income. We can afford everything we want and can save. I know I am incredibly lucky to be in this position.
My kids are in school 9-2.30 and I spend the afternoon doing homework with them, taking them to various clubs, lessons etc, then making dinner, bedtime etc. My husband works late and is away a lot so it's usually just me with then until bedtime. I do find the evenings a bit repetitive and lonely.
When they are at school I usually exercise, clean etc and I often volunteer for various activities at their schools.
I am a complete introvert and I hugely benefit from the time alone in the morning. It means I am calm and able to cope with the kids all afternoon and evening.
However lately I feel guilty for being at home when I don't have young kids anymore. I feel people are judging me and I am embarrassed to say that I am a sahp.
If I decide to go back to work I am not sure what I would do. I have no big passion. I am quiet and kind and quite boring really. I would have to work mornings only, I would be more exhausted and have less energy for my kids. I also do not know what I would do during school holidays because I have no childcare. Also one of my kids is autistic. He is not difficult but he loves his routines and being at home. I am a low energy person and feel that i can just about

cope with what I do now. I am not bored with being at home, I just feel a bit judged.
Do you think iabu to not work?

Agree with all the above but what happens if your husband can no longer support you for whatever reason? You don’t need to answer, just something for you to reflect on.

Your life, as do you, sounds absolutely lovely OP. Do what makes you happy and what makes your life easier. It sounds like you’re perfectly contented with your life, don’t worry about what other people may think, nobody judges you, they may be envious however but that’s ok.

Why should you feel guilty. If you can afford it and don't want to work, don't. It also means you're home for your kids and taking care of the house so I'm sure it works well for everyone.

The only thing I'd add is make sure you have a social side (if this is something you want), so you do have friends and/or hobbies aside from your family.

OP, forget all the judgement, it's nothing to do with anyone else.

If you have the time to volunteer, why not become a school governor? I was a SAHM for years but volunteered on the governing body of my kids school and the training courses with certification were endless.

It really filled up my CV and I learned so many transferable skills for when I did eventually get back into work, when my youngest started senior school.

Yes, we are lucky in that we are financially secure. We own our home, have paid off our mortgage and have very good savings.

I would not be working for financial reasons.

I'd enjoy your current lifestyle but also make sure I could enter the workplace fairly easily should I need to, relationships breakdown, breadwinners get ill or injured etc.
Possibly retraining, doing some ICT course programming, excel etc whatever level you are at. Volunteering is good as that means youll have references

Your answers are all about ‘we’. You need to think about ‘you’. How can you support yourself and your children. Having a quiet nature doesn’t mean food and shelter etc are magically free. If you didn’t like what you did for a living before, take the opportunity of your free daytimes to retrain.

@Evanna13 If you enjoy studying, maybe an OU course purely for pleasure would be good? Never feel guilty about not working or other people's unasked for opinions. Enjoy what makes you happy :)

I say we because that is what we are.
If the worst does happen I am very lucky that I will be able to support myself financially with savings and investments.

Of course I do not think having a quiet nature means shelter and food are free.
I was in full time paid employment for over 10 years and I have no problem returning to paid employment if I need to.

Well they would sell their house and OP would get half so that should be fine? I don't understand on MN when people make out like all men are scum and would leave you and take everything. It's not to say to be naive, but I'm sure OP has also thought about this and isn't stupid

If I didn't need to work, cleaning somebody else's house would not be my first choice of job!

No judgement at all from me, you do you. It’s not boring or weird, it is the life you have chosen and it works for you.
Would I do it? Absolutely not. Your entire financial situation is dependent on your husband. And, if he chose to bobby off with Brenda from accounts, where would you be? A million threads on here demonstrate how difficult SAHM find it if that happens. So, if I was you, I would look into building a career part time. Find something that you enjoy, get the relevant qualifications and go for it. You more than likely will never need it but it will build your self esteem, your independence and give you something for you, that’s isn’t family or home related.

My husband works late and is away a lot so it's usually just me with then until bedtime

Would your DH benefit from being around the dc more & vice versa? My DH took a less demanding role once we had dc. Obviously this impacts income but I think it’s great for us to both be there for the dc.

"I am very lucky that I will be able to support myself financially with savings and investments."

This is the important thing. You're in an incredibly rare position, and fortunate in that you're both financially secure and able to live the quiet-ish life that suits you.

You've mentioned a couple of times that people think you're dull. I wonder if this means you think you're dull, or are starting to feel that way? You do seem to be sitting on an unused intellect. Ever thought about doing further studies, studying something different, or using your earlier expertise in some advisory role?

Everybody needs a lively mind. Is yours asking you to wake it up a bit, perhaps?

Do you even want to work? Or just feel you should? I wouldn’t worry about other’s opinions. Do you not use any childcare now?! I’m TT only but my dc go to holiday clubs.

I'm in a similar position.
I'm a SAHM and both children are in school now. I don't need to work as DH earns well but I feel very judged and like I should go back to work as it's expected.
We have no family or friends to help with childcare so I too would only be able to work within school hours and term time.

My DM keeps commenting about me going back to work and says she worries I'm wasting my life.

@IHateLegDay "My DM keeps commenting about me going back to work and says she worries I'm wasting my life."

This makes me lol so hard. The amount of desperate clock watching I've done over the years! My mum and sis know my plan to retire at 50 amd confidently announce I'll be bored.

It's bonkers. I don't enjoy working.

OP I am like you, quiet, was very academic. I have spent years hiding anxiety and depression at work.

Sounds like you're all set financially so don't worry what others think.

Knitting isn't necessarily boring! In our town there's a local arty/crafty shop that has different crafting groups doing activities each morning including knitting, so if you wanted an activity there may be something along those lines near you. Also people knit little hats for the hospital to give premature babies, and with cost of living going up there may be charities/food banks/refuges who you could knit baby clothes/hats/scarves for to give people in need. Though that said, people probably aren't judging you in the slightest for not working, especially where you are doing the lion's share of the childcare. It may be nice for you to have something for you though, especially as the kids get older and need you less/differently.

People don't just work for money and you keep saying you're being judged and you're incredibly lucky to not have to work but I don't envy you. My career and most of my friends work and although it's perhaps at times stressful I would hate not to have one for absolutely no other reason than myself and my sense of purpose.

Being an introvert doesn't mean you can't find a career. Many of us have offices where we can shut the door or wfh. It honestly sounds like you arent fulfilled or happy.

I would love to know what yo our husband does for work @Evanna13! Seems you have the ideal life!

If anyone judges you, it's probably because they're jealous. You're in an amazing position, one which so many could only dream of.
Not having a mortgage is a huge goal for so many, on its own.

You shouldn't work out of guilt. For me personally, I like to have my own money. Granted it isn't anywhere near as much as what my DH earns, but it's mine.

If you're happy then just carry on as you are.

I know a couple of people who have not worked since their first child was born and are now grandparents. They are boring people, totally wrapped up in their family bubbles with no interest in anything outside of it.

I'm not jealous before anyone suggests it. I took voluntary early retirement at 58 after 40 years in the workplace.

If you don't need to be in paid employment and you don't want to be in paid employment then why take up a job that someone who needs or wants it could have?

If you and your husband are happy with your family set up then who the fuck cares what others think?

Provided you have planned ahead (which I'm sure you have) and could financially support yourself in the event of a separation/your husband being unable to work then do what you want and don't feel guilty!