To not work

[User12356]

I have been a sahm for the past 7 years but my kids are all in school now. I am very lucky that I do not have to work because my husband has a great income. We can afford everything we want and can save. I know I am incredibly lucky to be in this position.
My kids are in school 9-2.30 and I spend the afternoon doing homework with them, taking them to various clubs, lessons etc, then making dinner, bedtime etc. My husband works late and is away a lot so it's usually just me with then until bedtime. I do find the evenings a bit repetitive and lonely.
When they are at school I usually exercise, clean etc and I often volunteer for various activities at their schools.
I am a complete introvert and I hugely benefit from the time alone in the morning. It means I am calm and able to cope with the kids all afternoon and evening.
However lately I feel guilty for being at home when I don't have young kids anymore. I feel people are judging me and I am embarrassed to say that I am a sahp.
If I decide to go back to work I am not sure what I would do. I have no big passion. I am quiet and kind and quite boring really. I would have to work mornings only, I would be more exhausted and have less energy for my kids. I also do not know what I would do during school holidays because I have no childcare. Also one of my kids is autistic. He is not difficult but he loves his routines and being at home. I am a low energy person and feel that i can just about

cope with what I do now. I am not bored with being at home, I just feel a bit judged.
Do you think iabu to not work?

It presents very differently in women, compared to men, and you've had (what) potentially 30 years of learning to mask.

I would explore it, if I were you. Its very common for parents of newly diagnosed autistic children to then realise that they themselves should probably look into it too - often resulting in a diagnosis.

If it was me I would be looking into courses to complete from home. Not necessarily anything to help a future career but something that I found interesting like history or photography.

I bet that you aren’t boring.

Do you have friends? I doubt that they find you boring and if they do you need new friends.

I currently work full time, but I definitely wouldn’t judge you 🙂
I think in an ideal case, each family needs to find a setup that works best for them.
In our case, my husband and I never both worked full time and not from home at the same time. So one of us was always more flexible and able to stay at home with a sick child or pick them up from school earlier.
Personally, I would hate it to be stressed to bits, because my employer was giving me a hard time because I needed to stay at home with a sick child. I know that not everyone has a choice though.
I think if one partner is in a demanding job with long hours and lots of travel, it’s not unreasonable if the other one doesn’t work (even with school aged kids), or chooses a very flexible job (if available).
I can also relate to the fact that you need some time to yourself in the mornings, to be able to give your best in the afternoons and evenings with your kids 💐

Agree.

If you're happy and content in life then I would just leave it, you aren't going to get a job easily anyway given you won't use childcare. Different things work for Different people. DH and I have always shared the financial load so that we can spend time together as a family, but it seems like that's a sacrifice you're willing to make so that you can have time alone. If DH is happy with that too, then fair enough!

Personally, I would just want to be careful about the message the DC take from it, but again maybe that's not a concern for you, which is fair enough.

If it's working for you, I wouldn't worry what others think! Everyone's just Different with differing priorities, and that's OK.

I don't think you should feel judged, but I would start exploring who you are and what you enjoy beyond homemaking and children – whether that is employment, something else or something in-between. There is nothing wrong with a life filled with that, but it is a very brief life, when your home and children begin to need you less and less. I think it's beneficial to have a life for yourself.

I think that one thing that has been greatly reduced as a result of increased female employment and the subsequent growth of families where both parents work of necessity (never sure how much these are linked or not!), is volunteering work. And modern society is still adjusting to this.

In your position I think I'd be looking at what activities I enjoy, what environments I enjoy, and keeping an eye open for opportunities to leverage those to help others. What one person will love doing would be a total turn off for another, so don't be influenced to think "oh I should go and volunteer in a charity shop" if that is not your thing. For example, I saw you'd mentioned knitting - well, check where your nearest maternity hospital / NICU is, they usually welcome items for prem babies or baby toys and clothes to sell as fundraisers. Definitely link up with one before making stuff, as they will be able to tell you what they would find most useful.

It certainly sounds like you have a lot of reason to value your flexibility at present, so I wouldn't rush to feel you have to "do something". But do keep yourself engaged with your own interests as well as those of your children.

God, no. I envy you but I don't think you're unreasonable!

Why add to your stress and make your life worse for yourself and your children based on your theoretical idea of what other people might think about you?

I do understand your feelings in the sense that I was also very academic but I absolutely don't subscribe to the idea that an intellect is "wasted" because it's used to raise a family and support your community rather than selling it to the highest corporate bidder.

You're very lucky, as you say, and as long as you're financially protected, crack on and enjoy living, I say!

You could learn something maybe? Do an online course so that if people ask you can say you're studying.
But overall please remember we should never be defined by the job we do- we should be defined by who we are. And you sound happy and lovely. So I wouldn't worry.

I would just own it. "Yes I don't work and yes I'm fecking happy about it!" That's what I would do and what I hope to do one day!

If it works for you and your family it's not anyone else's business surely?

I’m wondering if this is triggered by the transition from ‘ stay at home mum’ to ‘housewife’ ?

you should do whatever you want to do and without judgement from others. Could you find a befriending or voluntary job to Supoort your community during school time ( if you don’t need the money but could do with a something?)

Op would you mind answering how your husband feels about you not working?

She already said he’s happy with the arrangement as it suits him

@ironedcurtain where can you find this type of work if you don't mind me asking. I'm in a toxic workplace and this option sounds great.