To not work

[User12356]

I have been a sahm for the past 7 years but my kids are all in school now. I am very lucky that I do not have to work because my husband has a great income. We can afford everything we want and can save. I know I am incredibly lucky to be in this position.
My kids are in school 9-2.30 and I spend the afternoon doing homework with them, taking them to various clubs, lessons etc, then making dinner, bedtime etc. My husband works late and is away a lot so it's usually just me with then until bedtime. I do find the evenings a bit repetitive and lonely.
When they are at school I usually exercise, clean etc and I often volunteer for various activities at their schools.
I am a complete introvert and I hugely benefit from the time alone in the morning. It means I am calm and able to cope with the kids all afternoon and evening.
However lately I feel guilty for being at home when I don't have young kids anymore. I feel people are judging me and I am embarrassed to say that I am a sahp.
If I decide to go back to work I am not sure what I would do. I have no big passion. I am quiet and kind and quite boring really. I would have to work mornings only, I would be more exhausted and have less energy for my kids. I also do not know what I would do during school holidays because I have no childcare. Also one of my kids is autistic. He is not difficult but he loves his routines and being at home. I am a low energy person and feel that i can just about

cope with what I do now. I am not bored with being at home, I just feel a bit judged.
Do you think iabu to not work?

I don't think people are making out that all men are scum but it's always sensible to plan for that eventuality. Sounds like OP has though.

I think the only person besides yourself who’s opinion is relevant here is your husband

how does he feel? Is he happy being the sole earner (and the stress and responsibility that entails)? I think not working is absolutely fine if you’re both in the same place with it, but if he’s feeling the pressure perhaps there’s an option that gives him a bit more time back and you take on a bit more?

Round here there are knit and natter groups, where knitters meets for coffee and a chat for an hour or two once a week. You may enjoy that.

"I know a couple of people who have not worked since their first child was born and are now grandparents. They are boring people."

This is not inevitable though. Maybe you just phrased it badly, but you make it sound as if not working makes people boring, rather than that you happen to know a boring couple.

Round here retired people seem to lead busy and active lives, travel/sport/gardening/learning/dancing/painting and a hundred other things.

YANBU to not work

YABU to feel guilty about not working. This is where you need to change your ideas, guilt is no good, drop it. Who do you feel guilty for? Why? What difference does you working make to them? Nothing. If they are bitter, will they be less bitter if you get a job? No... they will just be bitter about something else... live your life for you, for your family you do what is best, and you not working is best for your unit.

This. And no doubt the op has life insurance for both herself, and her husband, I would have thought, so why the hell should she work. I would not give it a second thought.

Really the only person who's opinion matters is your husband. If he is happy to bear all the financial responsibility then I guess that's ok? Others opinions don't really matter. What I would say is , as long as you have a plan IF divorce/illness happens you should be ok.

Do what ever fits your circumstances and needs, rather than what you think other people might expect you to do. If you are content being a SAHM and can afford to do that, there is no reason to change it. I am sure many would chose to stay at home if they could afford it.

I had 2 severely autistic children with behavioural problems, I was judged by relatives, who I saw very occasionally for not working. Now I am approaching 60 they keep quiet, but reality is I will be looking after them well into retirement. If you have normal self sufficient kids you will be in some form of activity/work when they get older as you will get bored.

(1) no member of your family would benefit from you working, including you as it really doesn’t sound like you want to (2) you don’t need to work for financial reasons (3) you can’t think of a job that would be mornings-only, term-time-only (3) the only thing bothering you about this set up is what other people think (completely and utterly irrelevant), some kind of guilt, and that you might be boring to talk to.

Take a course. Educate yourself about something that interests you. Join a hobby group where people enjoy the things you enjoy. Nobody - NOBODY - is thinking about you as much as you think they are. They’re too busy thinking about themselves.

If I were you, OP, I’d look for some voluntary work for a charity. The Oxfam bookshop would be my choice! (I’m retired.)
If I wasn’t needed fairly often to stay 60 miles away to help son in law with 3 young Gdcs when dd is away for work, often for a week or more at a time - not regular or predictable dates - that’s what I’d do.

Are you in a big town? I’d be going to museums and galleries. It can be done on your own, you can afford it, you’d have plenty to talk about.

If you found out your husband has been having an affair with a work colleague and she was now pregnant would you be in a financial position to manage if you split up. I think you need to build some small career for yourself. Local firm that just wants someone for few hours each morning to even do office management, invoicing, etc.

You dont owe it to anybody to work but it'd be good for you. Pension contributions, getting out of yr comfort zone, making yr child with autism appreciate you when ur there, same for rest of family, maybe enjoying a pt job? Maybe making some new acquaintances?

You already sound quite down on yourself, feeling boring, judged and anxious with no passions etc. I'd be concerned how you'd feel after another 10 years of that. Working gives me confidence in myself and a sense of purpose beyond my DC. You don't have to do anything 'just because' but I'd at least start thinking about possibilities for down the line, so you don't become more anxious and introverted to the point where it feels too daunting to go back out there. You say you're academic - is there something you could study? Either for pleasure or for longer term retraining? You sound like you're good with kids so would you consider doing something like that after yours have grown up? As the finances aren't an issue, I'd think more about your own sense of worth and purpose beyond the family, and the loneliness in the evenings as well. I do hear that the current set-up suits you in some ways, but it also galls me how accepted it is that yet again the guy has the absorbing career, earning power, is away for long days, while the wife has none of that and frames herself as boring with no interests apart from a bit of knitting. Some more balance is good.

Work is not just paid employment. Volunteering is great work, learning something new/challenging is great work - can give you plenty to talk about, and boost your confidence.

I felt the most boring when I was in my previous career routinely working long hours/weekends and had at most one day off to crush on the sofa. I realised that everything else I enjoyed, all my interests etc have gone away - was one of the main reasons I change my career and am working part time whilst also having more time for family, exercise, learning, reading etc. But that’s if YOU feel like you’re stagnating and bored.

If you’re content though and the main issue is being struggling a bit socially - feeling judged, difficulty conversing with people, you can work on that. People love talking about themselves way more than they’re interested in you in any way. My step mum has been a SAHM for over 20ys and she can’t hide from people wanting to talk to her and be near her because of the warmth and interest in others she projects. Nobody gives a crap about her employment status.

The people judging you, they will probably judge you no matter what. So, I wouldn't worry about them.

It's yourself and how you feel that is important and the people that love you.

The rest are just opinions that you filter out or in.

Do, what makes you happy and ignore the judgy people, they will alway judge.

You are only being unreasonable because you think you should work as you feel judged! That's no reason to work especially as you are happy and many employers are totally unreasonable. All I would make sure is that you have some sort of financial provision for yourself as sadly relationships can sour.

You say you were quite academic. Is there any part time studying you’d like to do? Not because you have to but because you want to . If you are happy just as you are don’t change it because of what you’re thinking others might be thinking! But if you’re bored and a bit lonely it might be worth thinking of something that takes a few hours a week and gives you a bit of community and mental exercise

I'm in this exact same position op except I have a 1yo but I also have a nanny. I did feel a bit judged but now having my baby it feels a bit justified when I speak to people. However I am feeling less and less like I care about other peoples opinions. We have a very good setup and each one of us is happy and doing things at our pace. The kids have all the attention and fun times without rushing, I'm able to fit in time for myself while running the household, dh gets home and there isn't much to do except spend quality time with us, we sit down to a good meal everyday. I had a corporate career and I wouldn't go back to that. Enjoy the time whilst it's possible.

I’m currently in a similar position to you, have been for about 3 years, but I’m about to start a new job. I have loved the time I’ve had and it’s been relatively low stress. I honestly wouldn’t worry what people think… it sounds like it works for you and your family and that’s what matters not other people’s opinions.

One caveat though: have you thought about what your life will be like when your children are teens and need you less and when they leave home? If you don’t have any interests or things you really enjoy outside of your kids/home you will likely find the transition incredibly hard. I’m already preparing for the empty nest years by doing my best to retrain and hopefully find work that’s fulfilling and enjoyable even if only part time. So it might be worth thinking about that sooner rather than later.

It sounds like your lifestyle works for your family and I don’t think you have any reason to feel ‘guilty’ or ‘boring’.

Like others have said, my only worry would be not keeping a foot in the world ofwork for future scenarios. I’ve seen the apparently most happy and stable marriages break down (some real shockers where I’ve been completely stunned!), and it’s always the SAHM who gets shafted by her once lovely husband.

I’d volunteer, even just for a few hours a week, and maybe do some short courses online to keep my skills up. I’d always be thinking ‘if I had to get a job tomorrow, could I?’. It’s sensible for any adult to think along these lines.

If it works for you don't worry. But keep your state pension contributions up to date. You don't have to be employee to do this.

As long as you are content, and the situation works for you all, and the family income can support it, do what works for you.

Can I ask, with zero judgement here, whether you have considered having an autism assessment yourself? You say your dc is, and mention the things he likes and they are similar to what you like. There is typically a genetic link, and it may explain some of your anxieties and preferences. Purely so that you can better understand yourself and why this set up works well for you, which may ease the guilt you seem to carry.

Yes, autism is something I have considered. I have always felt a bit different from a lot of other people but in many ways I do not fit the criteria at all.