To not work

[User12356]

I have been a sahm for the past 7 years but my kids are all in school now. I am very lucky that I do not have to work because my husband has a great income. We can afford everything we want and can save. I know I am incredibly lucky to be in this position.
My kids are in school 9-2.30 and I spend the afternoon doing homework with them, taking them to various clubs, lessons etc, then making dinner, bedtime etc. My husband works late and is away a lot so it's usually just me with then until bedtime. I do find the evenings a bit repetitive and lonely.
When they are at school I usually exercise, clean etc and I often volunteer for various activities at their schools.
I am a complete introvert and I hugely benefit from the time alone in the morning. It means I am calm and able to cope with the kids all afternoon and evening.
However lately I feel guilty for being at home when I don't have young kids anymore. I feel people are judging me and I am embarrassed to say that I am a sahp.
If I decide to go back to work I am not sure what I would do. I have no big passion. I am quiet and kind and quite boring really. I would have to work mornings only, I would be more exhausted and have less energy for my kids. I also do not know what I would do during school holidays because I have no childcare. Also one of my kids is autistic. He is not difficult but he loves his routines and being at home. I am a low energy person and feel that i can just about

cope with what I do now. I am not bored with being at home, I just feel a bit judged.
Do you think iabu to not work?

It's fine if you totally trust your husband.

If you end up divorced though you'll be in a very harsh situation not earning anything.

I see it time and time again on here with women sacrificing and being the SAHM to be properly shafted later in life.

If money not an issue, why not do some voluntary work ?
Gives you an extra dimension to your life, helps others, and hours to suit.

If you don't need the money why not volunteer a couple of mornings a week?

Absolutely you are not being unreasonable! My DCs are still pre school but plenty of people (including senior colleagues) have warned me that the harder juggle begins when children start school and you have the short school days and term times to contend with, rather than full time nursery or whatever. In fact just y’day I was chatting to a nursery mum friend who said she was seriously considering giving up her 4day pw job when her daughter stays school next year. Please don’t feel embarrassed, you are doing valuable and hard work!

OP sounds like you need to fill your days but working isn't the only solution. Not conforming to the 9-5 rat race doesn't make you boring.

Maybe look into learning something new at your pace, sewing, painting, an instrument etc Atleast that will eliminate your worry of people judging you for being boring in conversation.

I would never work a day in my life if possible so i'm a bit jealous but not judging.

I was in your position and got a part time, term time job. It’s perfect hours, but I don’t earn very much and it has definitely created extra pressures that I didn’t have before. I’m trying to think that long-term I’ll be grateful to be in such a role (once the children don’t need me as much), but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my free mornings to exercise etc, prep for things, make meals, meet friends for coffee etc.

I feel most things I am interested in are quite boring too!!!
I do some knitting but that's pretty boring to most people.

I'm in the same position as you, but one evening my husband was almost killed in a car crash by a crazy driver and it got me thinking. So I set up self employed work to earn a little bit of money just so I knew I could at least pay the mortgage.

Oh wind your neck in Rory.

Your life sounds ... like my dream? Just amazing, really lovely ( and I can hear you're sincerely grateful)
IMO you are not being unreasonable at all. As a SAHM you need some of this down time, fill your cup, so you can fill your children's cups. God knows you've put in all that time, energy and effort.
I'm sure you've sacrificed an awful lot and now it's all being given back to you in some shape or form for you to have something for you.
Don't worry about anybody and how anything looks. It's about you and yours.

Don't feel guilty op. You've nothing to feel guilty about. You're doing a sterling contribution which works for your family, including yourself, and you're allowed to include yourself in the happiness counts list.
just because you're not working 9-5 (with lunch) you're still actually working 7-9 and then 3-8. Same.

Reality is people will judge. You have to learn not to care. Or lie.

I’m 47 and child free. I hope to retire at 50.

My best friend’s parents retired at 55 and they lied to people. They found when they said that they were retiring, people judged them openly and they just couldn’t be arsed with it. So only really good friends were told when they actually did it. They had questions from neighbours as working at home wasn’t a thing then but they were leaving the house enough to claim they were part time.

I’ll probably say I’m studying if I have to explain myself to anyone when the time comes.

I did 60 hour weeks in my 20s and 30s. I’m still catching up with TV that my peers saw decades ago! I had 2 - 3 hours commute till 2016. If anyone did judge, I think I’ve done my time!

I dunno about the financial side when you’re married but as long as you’re okay in the event of a split, or DH being ill or changing profession etc, don’t worry.

I do understand points made here about the financial implications and it has given me incentive to review our insurances and pensions.
We do not have a mortgage.
I would not be returning to work for financial reasons. It would be for my own self esteem really but would add a lot to my stress.

Thanks for all the absoutley lovely and supportive messages here.

The thing is, OP, that you do work. You work from 2.30 to the end of bedtime (8 or 9pm?) parenting. Plus, I expect you probably also run the house - clean, shop for food, admin, etc. Many people have to fit in this same job of parenting and house-running around a full- or part-time day doing a different job, and this can leave them tired and stressed, especially when the jobs can clash and they have to juggle to impossible extents. You have the good fortune to be able to focus on doing the one job to the best of your ability. Lucky you. Don't let anyone (including yourself) put you down or make you feel guilty or ashamed. Your work is just as valuable.

You'd be surprised how boring to you is exciting to one person. For example imagine knitting and selling your pieces on Etsy. Or starting an anonymous blog on knitting.

But seriously you need to also stop referring to yourself as boring. You think not having a paid income means you should not have self esteem? People will judge no matter what!!!!

Enjoy your lifestyle now and in the years when your kids are fully out of the house then you can revisit the topic of what to occupy your time with.

It's your life OP, do what feels right for yourself and your family. Haters gonna hate. Best of luck.

Can you volunteer anywhere in your community? That can help with confidence etc

Would you be interested in part time study or volunteering/work experience towards a job when your DC are a bit older? Don’t worry about what other people think OP, do what works for your family.

I would be most concerned about a marriage breakdown, chronic illness or job loss.

Good insurance can help with some things so definitely ensure you know the details of these policies. We're affected by chronic illness that came on fairly recently and luckily DH's employer has been very understanding but there's a chance he could ultimately lose his job. I'm now working full time and secured a pay rise so I can just about afford the house costs myself if necessary (and with everything cut to the bone). Our life/critical illness cover doesn't include his chronic illness though.

But if DH is earning enough that you have the best insurance and significant savings, plus you say you have a pension in place, then I wouldn't worry about being at home.

Ignore the judgey people but if you ever get bored or circumstances change, but you don't have the energy for a whole job, freelance or part time remote / online work could be an option too if you know how to find it. It's great for me as an introvert who still needs some challenge & stimulation.

I think if it would add to your stress, then there probably wouldn't be any benefit?

I'm also a sahm to school age children (8 and 5) with a husband who works long hours in a job he's obsessed with.

I've compromised slightly by doing something related to my previous career on an ad hoc basis for the Local Authority so I earn some money. I also do a lot of voluntary work that I enjoy plus I'm studying for degree number 3 part time. However none of those things cause me any stress. Are there any part time college or university courses you fancy?

I'd like a "proper" job but my mental health seems to get worse as I get older and any attempt to seek help from the GP gets "I'll refer you back to psychiatry" given previous diagnoses of PTSD and GAD which really isn't useful.

Ultimately if you and your dh are happy with your lifestyle, who cares what anyone else thinks.

It wouldn't be for me - not working while my kids are at school - as I'd need more to my life. I don't want to be defined solely as a mother or homemaker. And I'm not going to lie, I'd be a bit embarrassed too (that's just me, I'm not judging you).
Also, I've discovered (to my cost!) that marriages aren't necessarily forever, and I don't want to be financially dependent on a man.

Why don't you try out a part-time job? It could be that it's being at home that makes you low energy. A job could give you a brand new lease of life!

Oh, and before I returned to the world of work, I did a course for women going back to work. It was free, excellent, mornings only, and really helped with CVs/thinking about what you want.

Good luck!

I guess another part of it is I have always been quite academic, I got great A levels, went to a great uni. My quiet nature and anxiety probably held me back in the workplace. I found it very stressful. I think it surprises people that I don't work.

No judgment with this question… What’s your plan B? If it all goes tits up tomorrow what will do to support your family?

I have zero risk tolerance for not being able to support myself so I couldn’t be comfortable in your position. At the same time I’m not saying that it’s not the right decision for your family.

With that being said… what is your plan B? (You don’t need to tell me …but you should have one!)