Knowing what you know now, would you have still made the same decision about having children?

[Drsparks]

I'm not necessarily asking if you regret it but if you had all the facts, and knew exactly how it would pan out would you have still made the same choice?

Eg
I would of had kids earlier/later.
Or
I chose not to have them because I wanted a childfree life but having lived it, I would have chosen to have kids because it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
Or
I love my kids 100% but in hindsight I'd of probably been happier with a childfree life
or
Yes it is 109% the right choice

35 with one child, I wish I’d had her earlier tbh and then I might be able to have a second but with rising costs and getting older a second doesn’t seem a sensible option.

Childfree and no regrets. But I have a deep visceral feeling in my gut that rejects the very thought of having children, so for me it's been an easy decision. I have always felt like I'm very unusual because of this. I think every child deserves to feel truly wanted by their parents (e.g. I know that my Mum absolutely loves being a Mum, and you can feel a wantedness coming from her), so to have them when you aren't convinced you want them is not fair.

I do wonder who will give a crap about me and DH when we're elderly and need support. But that isn't in my mind a good reason to have children. There is no guarantee they'll help or look after you, and it also isn't fair to expect it of them.

I don't live a high-flying life, but that's more of a personality thing than lack of means. I'm naturally quite frugal and non-materialistic. I do think I've had a very interesting and varied life though because of the freedom I've had. We have a dog, which does put some restrictions on how easily we can do some things, but nowhere near as much as having a child. We are quite outdoorsy so just take the dog everywhere with us.

The main thing I love about being childfree is that I have always been financially independent. At no point since starting my career have I been dependent on another persons income to get by. I feel very empowered by that, especially as you see so many threads on MN where women are stuck in horrible relationships because to leave would be financially devastating. I know you can be financially independent and have children, but certainly when the kids are young I don't know any women personally who fall into that category. I think it takes a heck of a lot more effort to obtain that financial independence for women with children as their is so much compromise and juggling to do.

I do feel incredibly grateful to all the people who do have children. If no one had children, society would cease to function eventually. My nieces, nephews, friends children are the people who will run society when I am old. Without them we'd all be screwed.

I would have started a bit earlier and done it alone.

Have told changed my opinion on the value of fathers. My own was wonderful but all I see around me are narcissistic deadbeat dads that cause nothing but pain to their children and abuse to their ex wives.

Sad but true

41, two kids (4 and 8).

I wouldn't change having kids but I would change who I had them with. I'm totally exhausted after Christmas, i did 95% of the work plus carrying the mental load of gifts, tree, Christmas cards (my mother passed away so it's the only way I keep in touch with get her family), meal planning, cooking, etc, etc.

Add to that researching about how to be a better parent, making sure the kids have the right clothes, and then the gaZILLION other things you have to think about as a parent.

My advice to anyone considering having children would be VERY CAREFUL about who you decide to have children with. Ending up with a man-child and/or someone not willing to go to therapy to sort out their emotional baggage and to watch them taking it out on your kids every day is a misery and grind I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Don't regret having him and what age I was (31). The only thing I would do, is do things differently (get him to sleep on his own from an early age!), put him down more so he'd hopefully be less clingy.

Saying all this but he's only 2 now!

41, child free and no regrets whatsoever. I did a few years ago when I was single wonder 'should I' but put that down to societal and others expectations. Deep down I knew I didn't want to.

I see friends with children, and the posts on here and now the thought fills me with terror.

3 teen/tween DC. Strong, long-term marriage to an excellent man, father, husband. Financially very comfortable. On paper life should be good. Hated the baby years but utterly loved the primary years. Without a doubt the happiest and most deeply fulfilled time of my life.

Yet somehow despite every advantage I have I have still managed to fuck up parenting somehow to the extent that all of the DC are struggling, one very seriously. That primal love I have for them makes watching them struggle is complete torture. Against the utterly bleak outlook in the UK and globally I cannot see a good life ahead for them.

So no, I wouldn't do it again. I'm sure I would have been desperately unhappy if I had have found myself unable to have children, but at least that would have been my own suffering. I'd take that a thousand times over the situation I'm in.

I'm the very same. That part of my brain does function, but it reacts to cats rather than babies!

Sometimes i dont think they are calling us selfish for not having children..... just that we selfishly wont give anything up to have children.
I have had the comment a few times.

i am selfish. i didnt want to change my life so of course i wasn't going to have children.

100% the right decision for me having my babies. I wouldn’t change anything.

I met my dh early on, we had 12 years just us two, did all the travelling etc, I always knew I wanted to be a mum and I knew he’d be a great dad.
The thing is, we still do the things we did before, we just share them with our dcs (outdoors, nature, city breaks etc) Nothing has changed in that aspect and I love seeing the world through the dcs eyes. It keeps me young!

I have never understood why some think a decision not to have children is selfish. I’d love it if one of those people could explain it to me. Do they believe the opposite is true? That having children is an act of selflessness or altruism? It’s true that you usually have to put your own needs and wants on the back burner when you have children, because you obviously have to put them first. But they didn’t ask to be born!

I have children and I see that as a selfish choice. I wanted children so I had them. They only exist because it’s what I (and my DH) wanted. I hoped we could be reasonably good parents and provide them with a good start in life, but I couldn’t guarantee that.

The only people I know who believe this are the ones who believe that they carried out a civic/national duty in providing the state with taxpayers, and that everyone should be grateful to them. So, by contrast, anyone refusing to do is "selfishly" benefitting from future workers whilst providing none themselves.

Of course it's all a load of bollocks - they wanted them so they had them, just as a CF person doesn't so won't - but some people do seem to feel compelled to insist that parenthood is an elevated altruistic status.

@RedPony1 I’m definitely selfish for wanting children! It was to fulfill a need in me as I’m an only child and I wanted to create a larger family. I’ve only had one parent since my 20’s.

Of course, I do a lot for my children, but deciding to have them in the first place was to fulfill a selfish emotional need, tbh.

3 kids and all good. I wish we had them closer together though as theres a 5 year age gap between 1 and 2 and 2 and 3 though smaller age gap wouldn’t work for financial reasons anyway. There are hard times but it got easier with time for us even though one has ASD, parenting also got easier when she began to understand more things

A need an awful lot if men do not share as most are pretty ambivalent in the first place. As Henry David Thoreau famously quipped, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them".

Even if they turn out ‘awful’ you can still love and cherish the many years of childhood. And besides, I know that it was something I always wanted to experience in life so could never regret having that experience.

Personally I'm finding the memories of the DC's childhoods incredibly difficult. I swipe away all my 'On This Day...' photo notifications because seeing how happy we all were is just too painful a contrast to where we are just a few years later.

The only people I know who believe this are the ones who believe that they carried out a civic/national duty in providing the state with taxpayers, and that everyone should be grateful to them. So, by contrast, anyone refusing to do is "selfishly" benefitting from future workers whilst providing none themselves.

Yes, they see it as a kind of social freeloading.

My friends also wanted children but most now say that if they could go back in time they would choose not to have any

@Theunhappiestchild please don't blame yourself I'm sure you haven't fucked anything up. There are so many external influences and social issues -- if your teen DC are struggling that's not your fault.

That's very kind of you, thank you @BurbageBrook . I've tried so, so hard to be a good parent but without a crystal ball it is so hard to know what to do for the best. Ironically I think I've tried too hard at times.

I agree though that these are tough times to be a teen. I try not to compare my teen years with theirs, but I can't help feeling that overall things are so much harder and joyless for young people in general.

I’m very sorry to hear this :(

It’s very sad to hear they regret such a big part of their lives. I hope things resolve and they find some peace.

I can't believe most of your friends regret having children? That's really weird.

It’s certainly very sad! Most people I know don’t regret it if that helps - I may just be lucky to know older people who are very close to their family members.