Knowing what you know now, would you have still made the same decision about having children?

[Drsparks]

I'm not necessarily asking if you regret it but if you had all the facts, and knew exactly how it would pan out would you have still made the same choice?

Eg
I would of had kids earlier/later.
Or
I chose not to have them because I wanted a childfree life but having lived it, I would have chosen to have kids because it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
Or
I love my kids 100% but in hindsight I'd of probably been happier with a childfree life
or
Yes it is 109% the right choice

Do people never in their lives babysit babies, toddlers, and small children? Do they never go anywhere where children of all ages run, scream, or lurch about? How is it women don't know until they have them that they are noisy, draining, and tiring, even in small doses? Do they not see their friends reduced to rubble in the early years? But so many say, "Nobody told me..."

If you're wondering whether or not you should, OP, spend some time with children of different ages, visit friends with new babies, observe them in shopping centres, and so on. Mind them for the day, etc.

I had my DC in my late 30s so feel like I have had the best of both worlds by being child free for so long. I did have amazing life experiences before DC but then felt I wanted to settle. I was very lucky to have DC when I did at age 38. It does make me think how wonderful it would be if declining fertility wasn't an issue for women and we all had longer to decide about whether we want kids.

If I had a chance to do things again, I would raise the baby alone and not with DH. I think being a single parent would have suited me better.

Don't regret children just who I had them with.
It doesn't ever get easier you just adapt. I don't think children fulfill.you. They test you to your limit and make you question your sanity but simultaneously male you feel a love that's beyond any other love and a sense of protection that you know you would lay down your life for them.

I am also in this boat. I am so tired.

I love my children so much but I actively recommend other people not to do it.

I was an only child, hated it to the extent I think it has negatively affected my life and probably influenced my total disinterest in having any children of my own.

No, I definitely wouldn't have them if I could turn back the clock. (Not wouldn't of, OP.) It's too much responsibility for how two people turn out, the planet is overpopulated and resources are getting scarcer, the financial burden so huge and the years and years of daily drudge that needs to be done are tough going. Then, add guilt at every decision about how your choices might impact the kids. I could go on. I've found it pretty difficult and I've got great (adult) children. How it could've been if they were otherwise, I can't imagine.

@ChintzyGunslinger Even still it’s not the same as being on 24/7 call out for years!

i don’t think you can be prepared for the enormity of what that feels like. Plus you have no idea what your child will be like or how they will sleep.

For what it’s worth I started older and don’t regret that as the DC’s dad would have been a nightmare based on younger relationships!

the financial world was very different 20 years ago and affordability has changed a lot in last 20-30 years so I wonder if there is a generational divide here.

I couldn’t have had DC massively earlier as my living situation was not stable enough in terms of rental. And I could afford to buy before my 30s.

Well, no, exactly. But I only have to spend an hour or less with someone else's children to know I made the right choice.

No. I love him very much but - I worry massively about his future. Wars, climate change, economy, civil unrest. He's also undiagnosed neurodiverse, due to being high functioning academically, and under the radar at school( I'm not jumping on the bandwagon, my DSIS and I work in the field, he masks heavily at school). He won't engage with assessment (ironically, due to his struggles). I worry about him starting to under achieve, as is often the case with intelligent ND boys. School already only see a fraction of what he is capable of. I also wish I had him much earlier - I worry for him being left alone with no siblings, and being isolated and depressed,due to social anxiety. I also worry about DP, who loves him, but doesn't understand his difficulties, or unconditional love, and lacks empathy. I was blind to this for the 20 years before we had him (ridiculous as that seems). Family life is a struggle.

It just wasn't the right circumstances and now I'm too old, 40s.

Occasionally have a pang of regret until I imagine having a child with severe problems. I can get hyperacusis, anxiety, claustrophobia and like a lot of time on my own.

There are an awful lot of changes I'd like to make but I'm very happy with some things in my life.

I would have not had them but I have a disabled child and it's hard work and crap with not many positives , but I am answering this at 5.30 am having been awake for about 3 hours and doesn't look like I'm going to be able to go back to sleep today ! And will be having a full day with them and my youngest.

I love my kids etc but if I had my time again I wouldn't have any

In an ideal world i’d have had a much smaller gap between DS1 and DS2 as by the time DD is 18 in 2yrs time I will have been parenting for 32yrs. Over a 1/4 of a century doing the school run! I’d still have kids yes. It’s a lot easier know they are all older and I have a good relationship with my adult kids, holiday with my 30yr old DS a lot. Can’t imagine life without kids. I have my own identity and career etc, I think that’s important when you’re a mum, that you don’t lose sight of who you are. I am looking forward to a couple of years time when DD heads to Uni and I am free to do as I please (still got the dog though!) as I had my first child age 16 so never had that freedom.

Of course we did but cluster feeding my own was an entirely different ball game.

I’m 25 and have a 6 month old. I’m so glad I have him and don’t regret it at all. I plan to have at least one more child (hopefully more) but not for a couple of years. I love my looking after son but I think I would struggle with two very young children at the same time. Even though I’m probably considered a relatively young parent I’ve always wanted children. In an ideal world I would have had one even earlier but my husband wanted to wait until we were married and completely financially stable which took about six years from when we met. Looking back it was the best decision to wait to try for a baby but at the time waiting was very difficult as I was very broody.

I don’t regret having them (teenagers now, eldest with special needs and life raising him has been hard!) but very often I feel a huge sense of responsibility and guilt about whether decisions taken about how to raise them have been right.
huge sense of responsibility about bringing them into this world which appears to be going down the drain slowly.

I tired for 12 years and now finally have a child after umpteen rounds of ivf.

Sadly he has severe adhd.

I honestly don't know if I'd do it again if I could turn back time.

It's hard. Really hard.

We have 2 girls, 7 and 4. We had our eldest when I was 24 and DH was 26. I have no regrets but have found it on the whole pretty easy due to personal circumstances - financially secure due to good income and cheap area, very hands on grandparents, and DD’s are easy children who get along nicely most of the time. I am fully aware how fortunate I am at the moment and how this could change as they grow older. In ten years time I may be full of regrets!

The only time I have regretted my choice was when our eldest was newborn, for the first couple of weeks I found it very hard to adjust but the feelings whet away quickly - before DH returned to work from pat leave.

Other than that I don’t miss my old CF life. DH and I met when I was 16 so we had 8 years together before DC during which we did a fair bit of partying and travelling. We still do 1 foreign and a couple of UK breaks each year, I can honestly say that I get more enjoyment visiting centerparcs with DDs now than I ever did on exotic holidays abroad pre DC, as knowing/seeing them happy makes me happier than anything else in the world.

From childhood I wanted to marry and have children. I met the right person at the right time and we have sons, now in their 40s and one with two children. Never a moment's regret.

Yep, and I have actually found as I've got older I seem to collect even more reasons to be glad!

The state of the world, war, dwindling resources, climate change, the rise in stats for children with MH problems (unsurprisingly as there is so much to stress them), student debt, the property ladder, and so on.

Maybe if I was made of sterner stuff, but I think I'd have a lot more worry and anxiety for any children than I could cope with.

I don't enjoy the company of young children, I must admit - only when they are older.

I do however sponsor a child and want to sponsor another this year, they are already here and need my help, but have no desire to have my own.

Interesting that none of the childfree would change their decision but quite a few of those with children would.

I think those with quite young children can't know for sure that they would make the same decision as they do not know what is the future will be like with their children.

I would have chosen a better dad, someone who wanted to be an involved parent.

i would have had more and started younger.

i would have worked harder at establishing my career so I had better maternity choices and return to work options

I may be talking crap, but I think it may be because being childfree is going against social norms and whenever you do that you probably have quite a good sense of self and are pretty sure about your decision, because it isn't necessarily the easiest route to take (being outside the norm).

Having kids I am guessing is kind of filled with the "unknown". It's certainly the normal thing to do, but it's also the kind of thing that you won't really know how you'll cope until you have them. I get that feeling anyway, from the threads I see about new parents being in shock and how nothing could have prepared them for it.

Good point. Perhaps you can only know for sure if you’d do it again when your children are adults, or at least teens.