Knowing what you know now, would you have still made the same decision about having children?

[Drsparks]

I'm not necessarily asking if you regret it but if you had all the facts, and knew exactly how it would pan out would you have still made the same choice?

Eg
I would of had kids earlier/later.
Or
I chose not to have them because I wanted a childfree life but having lived it, I would have chosen to have kids because it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
Or
I love my kids 100% but in hindsight I'd of probably been happier with a childfree life
or
Yes it is 109% the right choice

Yes these comments usually stem from envy and bitterness.

Yes, I would still have chosen to have a child. One. I think that was right for us.

If I’d known the reality of finding myself the only “child” in our blended family who is willing to support our aging parents, I’d have had him earlier. I’ve become crushingly aware that I won’t be getting my “me years” for quite some time, despite DS now being away at uni most of the time. I wonder if I’ll be young enough to enjoy them.

Possibly not.
I fell pregnant by accident in my early 30s , I thought I wanted kids but that it probably wouldn't happen for us. Foolish.

Once I was pregnant all I could think of was getting through the labour and birth. I was so ridiculously unprepared for having a baby to look after, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

6 years on, I love DD to bits, she's my best friend, but I've never had the desire to repeat the experience.
I met (partners) nephew at the weekend and expected to feel broody but I felt nothing. I'm used to lugging a 6 year old around and he just seemed like a little doll! I'm not a baby person at all. I think I'm quite good with kids ...I like chatting to DDs friends and I don't mind playing. But I'm not maternal or a natural mum.

I've said before on here, I have more childfree friends than those who have children, they have amazing freedom, houses , holidays you name it.
I think if I'd have known how my life would have worked out I might have stayed childfree. Or chosen a different man to be their father.

I am constantly amazed at the problems my friends have with their grown up children, grand children and even great grandchildren.

That is one of the reasons I said those with young children cannot possibly know that they would choose to have children again as they have years and years ahead and have no idea how things will be

I feel very fortunate that I’ve had no problems with my kids as teenagers or young adults as far as attitude and behaviour are concerned. As a single mum of boys I feel very blessed to have not had the issues a lot of single parents have had, especially with boys and no proper day to day father figure about. I did find the younger years more challenging and draining though. I could have a houseful of lads just like the two I have but I could never go back to the younger years.

I would have loved to have them earlier rather than my late thirties but then I think if it had been earlier it wouldn't have been the same kids. I definitely woild have liked to have dc2 earlier so that the age gap wouldnt have been so large.

'Whilst I’ve been called selfish for my choice (always by women) I always knew I would be a shit parent so I don’t think it’s selfish at all.'

I'm sorry, that's awful to say and not selfish at all.

Whilst I’ve been called selfish for my choice (always by women) I always knew I would be a shit parent so I don’t think it’s selfish at all.

That's so bizarre, @UtterlyButterly2048 , why would choosing to be childfree be considered selfish by anyone?!

@ChintzyGunslinger No amount of babysitting or spending time with children can really prepare you for how you will take to parenting. Also the baby years are short and it’s more about who you end up with (people often forget children become teens than adults - and also they have their own personalities and traits - I once met a woman with 3 children, she seemed to love them all except the middle one who she felt had a vendetta against her - very strange). I had the opposite experience - I am the last person in the world that would offer to babysit and I’m not that into children but surprisingly really enjoy raising my own but also I have to appreciate I’ve had an OK time with childcare and being able to fulfil my own “wants” simultaneously.

@UtterlyButterly2048 I agree people are so bitter. I think what is selfish is bringing kids into the world so that you can parade around with a mini me - that mindset has always baffled me.

Yes 100%. I'm CF by choice, 45 and loving it.

Yes I have to work (I'm self employed) and have aging parents but other than that I have my freedom. I holiday a lot and don't have pets either so nothing restricting me.

I would have loved to have had them a few years earlier but absolutely no other regrets.

No amount of babysitting or spending time with children can really prepare you for how you will take to parenting.

My comment was more about knowing - as I did by the powers of simple observation - that I absolutely did not enjoy the company of babies, toddlers, or children of any age really.

Obviously babysitting or visiting a supermarket heaving with screaming children cannot prepare you for factors beyond anyone's control that one may experience after giving birth, such as developing a fistula, or dreadful mastitis, or any other physical, mental, or emotional problem that might occur.

Yes happy I had DS but wish I had tried for another one .

I wouldn't undo the kids I have, but with hindsight, I should never have had kids with the father of my two older ones.

He turned out to be a chronic liar with £100k of debt (really!) and I was young and naive.

I also have been called selfish for not wanting to have children.

I’ve always put it down to a warped expression of envy/jealousy that the person feels they cannot openly express.

I have always challenged it - selfish to whom? A not yet conceived offspring? My husband, who is equally as childfree as me? My parents, who live 250 miles away - or DH’s, who are 4,000 miles away? Both sets of parents live with or near their grandchild(ren) whose parents are other siblings.

Don’t accept the bullshit from people dissatisfied with their lives to the extent that they will shit on yours. That includes those of you that have 1 child - “oh, are you having another?!” or 2 of the same “flavour” - “oh are you going to try for a girl/boy this time?” Or even 8 children - “gosh, that’s a big family! Don’t you think that is enough?!”

The last one I heard in a school staff room from one teacher to a new member of staff. All of the children were adopted from 2 families - 3 siblings from one and 5 from the other. All power to that person and their spouse!!!

I also have been called selfish for not wanting to have children.

I’ve always put it down to a warped expression of envy/jealousy that the person feels they cannot openly express.

I have always challenged it - selfish to whom? A not yet conceived offspring? My husband, who is equally as childfree as me? My parents, who live 250 miles away - or DH’s, who are 4,000 miles away? Both sets of parents live with or near their grandchild(ren) whose parents are other siblings.

I think it’s more personal than that - it’s that they see you as selfish for preferring to live your own life doing as you please rather than nurturing children. It’s a moral judgement.

@ChintzyGunslinger that makes sense. Regardless, how one takes to parenting still cannot be decided on simply just knowing. Too many complex factors are involved in how “enjoyable” or not parenting can be.

I understand. Also find it interesting that you’ve listed all the negative stuff. People really don’t talk about that (I was definitely underprepared for postpartum) unless one decides to scroll mumsnet and other parenting sites/social media accounts for hours.

Regardless, how one takes to parenting still cannot be decided on simply just knowing. Too many complex factors are involved in how “enjoyable” or not parenting can be.

If you’re pretty sure you’re not going to enjoy it though, as Chintzy feels & me too, you’d have to be a complete idiot to try anyway on the off-chance.

I wouldn't have changed anything about the first five children I have.

I wouldn't change the fact I intended to terminate when I found out I was pregnant again despite having a coil.

I would change the fact the sonographer turned the screen after being asked not to (they were disciplined for it) and showed me the baby which lead to me feeling unable to terminate.

My youngest has a horrible life because of serious health problems. She's had multiple operations, numerous ICU stays and very likely won't live until adulthood. Her life has been one full of pain and illness.

The impact on my other children has been massive. I'm a shell of the person I used to be the majority of the time.

I've had stick on here before from people who say that it's awful that I say that and I obviously don't love DD. I do love her. That's exactly why I wish I'd had the strength to continue with the termination. What I've subjected her to (obviously I didn't know, but it's still my fault) is something I wouldn't wish on a worst enemy. It breaks my heart every day.

Sounds like a no brainer to me then - have a child. If you're on the fence now it sounds like you'll regret it once you're too old.

I’d have possibly had more and earlier- I thought I didn’t want any, had DD late (41) and love it.

If I had my time over I’d have had 2 or 3 and started a few years earlier to enable that. But that said, I’m happy with one and I met DH late so it is what it is.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings it's not your fault.

Yes it’s the biggest gamble, and it’s gambling with someone else’s life too.

Same. I regret things in life but not that.

Exactly this.