Knowing what you know now, would you have still made the same decision about having children?

[Drsparks]

I'm not necessarily asking if you regret it but if you had all the facts, and knew exactly how it would pan out would you have still made the same choice?

Eg
I would of had kids earlier/later.
Or
I chose not to have them because I wanted a childfree life but having lived it, I would have chosen to have kids because it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
Or
I love my kids 100% but in hindsight I'd of probably been happier with a childfree life
or
Yes it is 109% the right choice

I wanted kids, but decided not to have them. In the same circumstances I would make the same decision. However, if I could rewind time further I would set myself up differently so that it was more possible.

That said I don't regret missing out on all the worry that goes with kids.

I have only ever babysat once in my entire life as a teenager but the child was about 5 and very well behaved. No babies in my family, friends don’t have kids. However I agree with you - it’s not a secret what parenting is like. You only have to read mumsnet or any of the countless articles or other forums on parenting, or just look around you in day to day life at the screaming shouting children. Not sure what people were expecting when they say “it’s so hard and relentless… yes, that’s exactly what it looks like hence why I don’t want it!

Childfree by choice. Don’t regret it and have never wavered on it. Whatever part of the brain it is that makes people look at babies and say “ahhhhhhh, so cute, I want one” I simply do not have. I find babies rather…..alarming 🤣🤣

Don’t feel I’ve missed out on anything, I built a good career, I travel a lot, I volunteer, support charities close to my heart, have an expensive and time consuming hobby that absolutely would not be compatible with having children. It’s an interesting and exciting life (to me anyway) The elderly parents thing is looming but I’m fortunate that I can deal with that financially and will be moving to a property with an annex for them soon, which I think I would have struggled to do if I’d had dc.

Whilst I’ve been called selfish for my choice (always by women) I always knew I would be a shit parent so I don’t think it’s selfish at all.

I do spend a fair bit of time with friends children and have my niece and nephew come to stay for periods.

I really enjoy that, but it feels like a false representation. I'd 100% sign up if life was about taking kids to zoos, movie nights and the nice bits

However I pick them up after weeks of solid shifts when I'm well, the kids are well and hand them back with the promise of more sleep. A tantrum is easy to cope with when it's the only one you'll see that month and your well rested.

The children I have in my head are perfectly well behaved, you never picture yourself with the kids screaming in a restaurant but the mythical kid politely colouring

It doesn't give me a sense of the monotony, the ongoing worry, the financial side and the real graft of parenting

Me and my partner often say ideally we would both like to be the stereotypical disney dad where you get to go to all the fun bits, wake up say good morning and have a bit of play time but go to work and have the main parenting done by someone else

A chunk of my life is a blur of hospital appointments with my two,I definitely wouldn't have had them if I'd known what was coming.

Childfree by choice. Don’t regret it and have never wavered on it. Whatever part of the brain it is that makes people look at babies and say “ahhhhhhh, so cute, I want one” I simply do not have. I find babies rather…..alarming 🤣🤣

I have the same part missing too!

I have only held a baby a couple of times years ago when women at work would come in with their babies and say, "come on, have a go at holding him". I'd sort of freeze and hold them awkwardly. Then of course, the poor wee mite, who had previously been quite happy, would start screaming as they knew they were in the wrong hands!

I do feel kind of scared of them. What's that all about?

Yet give me any baby animal and I'm all over it!

I’d have had my first a little later in life, although he was very much planned, I got married fairly young at 21 and had first DC at 23. Looking back I think I was too young to be a mum! In hindsight I’d have then either stuck at one child or had them closer together. We have a 6 year age gap and now I feel like it spanned out the hard times a lot longer then needed. Both now teens and I feel like I’m finally getting my life back to have some time for me.

I’m childfree but I think if I was a man I might have had kids. I know this site is called ‘Mumsnet’ but sometimes being a mum seems like a bad deal. Youhave to get pregnant, give birth and be the default parent. Hats off to all the mums doing a great job out there but it’s not for me.

I'm in the same boat as you OP, mid 30s so not much time left to decide. I think it is almost certainly a no, but I do feel deeply conflicted by that and I worry that heart/hormones will kick in when it's too late.

We have (almost certainly) decided not to because of the environmental and climate crisis. We both work in that field and the reality is far scarier and more urgent than the majority of the public, politicians and media seem to be aware of. That said I have plenty of colleagues with kids, but they do all talk a lot about their fears. Infact that's the most striking thing about all my parent friends (some who love it, some who dont), they all feel worried and guilty.

I always imagined myself with kids, and we do enjoy spending time with children, so for us this is definitely a "state of the world" decision rather than always knowing we'd be CF. That said, as time has gone on we increasing appreciate the benefits of being CF. We are both quite quiet, have hobbies, appreciate finacial security, and are very invested in charities and volunteering, and we have a very fulfilling relationship with eachother. I also see how much anxiety having children (even when they're grown up) can cause, and I don't think I would cope well with that. I do worry about old age, but it would be selfish to bring someone into the world just to keep me company when I'm old and it's no guarantee.

I think in my ideal life, if I could guarantee a healthy, well adjusted child and have the fincial security for us both to work PT and still have a good quality of life, protected from the worst impacts of climate change - then I would go for it. But I can't guarantee that, having children is a massive gamble at any time, but at this point in history the odds are really stacked against us.

Same, slightly younger at 42, and I'd love to have another.

It's hard. Emotionally, physically, financially but I absolutely adore my children and couldn't imagine not having them.

Sure, I've questioned my life choices when I'm up in the night (again!) or I can't get a moments peace, but it wouldn't make me change it.

Through them, I have met my best friends, and a wider circle of friends. Had experiences I wouldn't have had. And also, the feeling of love for them beats any emotion I have ever experienced.

My eldest is 14 and my youngest is 2. Maybe ask me again when my younger two are in their teens 😆

I think this is part of the myth of the perfect time - ie if you hit that you can have it all.

Truth is there are trade off when ever and there is no perfect time.

Problem is before you do it you have no way of understanding how you'll feel or the impact it will have on you relationship and women at least can't easily walk away.

I knew a Nursery worked who also spent years as a full time nanny - you'd have thought she been best prepare women ever - but no she said it was very different when it was your own and despite her having lots of external help with family and an in her words easy babby she hated it - feeling tied down and not finding the joy. By constant I had little expose pre kids to babies and young kids but despite having a Velcro baby as first (currently going though ASD and ADHD assessment) loved it - and yes like other think it was the making of me in many ways.

I do think the demands on parents have grown - DH played out a lot - me a little our kids rarely - school once taught swimming now you do need to pay for private lessons - Home work demands have grown considerable in primary years and support for SEN diminished so as parenst you do have to step in with time and money. Even since we'e had them housing - renting and buying have got even worse - wages stagnated. I think we make it very hard to have kids in our society - then moan every so often birth rate is ever dropping.

Being very sure you actually want kids is probably a good start - but no guarantee - that you'll enjoy parenting.

100% glad I had kids.

Only thing I'd change would be to start a bit earlier (had dd when I was 33 and ds @ 36) and have 3 not 2.

I have not found it hard or life option limiting at all. I am in a steady relationship though with a good partner and a good flexible job so that is what makes it easy.

"Something that’s really interesting on this thread is that a lot of people who had kids late 30s or 40s are wishing they’d started earlier,"

I only occasionally wish I'd started earlier so I could have had a 3rd. But it's only a fleeting wish- in reality, 37 was the perfect time for me to have my first.

I’d have had them earlier by choice, and had 3 not 2 kids. But we waited till we were in a good position financially, and we decided not to have a third due to complications in previous pregnancies.
I really didn’t realise how hard it would be, but I’d absolutely still have them

Another point about maternal age. Its not always the case that late 30s early 40s = financially stable and secure in career vs 20s and early 30s = precarious financial position and no established career.

Probably done it earlier if anything. So much pressure to normalise having them later in life.

Love this! Would be delighted to sit next to a baby alligator on a plane - a human baby not so much. 😂

I was on the fence, no driving biological or emotional need to have them and same with DH, but we felt on balance yes we would. So, so glad we did and would change nothing bar possibly start younger and maybe have gone for a third. It’s hard, you give up a lot but I have got so much more back - it is a different world of reward and love.

I am analytical and objective by nature and profession so could easily have looked at pros and cons and stacked it the other way.
So bloody glad I didn’t. No regrets, it’s a brave choice to sign up for a lifetime commitment with no try before you buy, but these people are amazing, challenge and all.

I think we'd have just delayed getting settled ie buying a house and trying to stay in one place for schooling till later - and actually been worse off due to house price rises.

My IL had Dh young did mean they spent there 40s child and mortgage free - we'll be nearer 50 ( and possibly not mortgage free till late 50s if not mid 60s) but better off than if we'd waited longer.

I still not keen on other people's babies but absolutely adored my own.

@TripleDaisySummer exactly! The economy is so unpredictable.

Whilst I’ve been called selfish for my choice (always by women) I always knew I would be a shit parent so I don’t think it’s selfish at all.

I’ve never understood ‘why’ it is selfish to refuse to do something you don’t want to do. I think people who say this are unhappy/miserable and resent those who made better choices.

I feel the same way.
It's such a ridiculous thing to say, isn't it?

We're hardly a dying species with what is it? 8 billion of us infesting every corner of the planet?

If everyone actually thought carefully about whether a child was the right choice for them, the world would be better for it.

Even if it was selfish, there's nothing wrong with that! We bloody should be selfish when we're talking about bringing a life into the world and only do it if we 100% want a child and just as importantly, know as surely as it's possible to know that a child deserves us as their parent!

Strong correlation between those who yapped on during my pregnancy about how impossibly hard having a baby was and those now commenting about having a second when my first is 11 weeks old.

Well, I'm the type of person who looks back a lot and regrets a lot...

I'm pretty sure if things happened differently, I'd still be regretting one part or another...

Being content with your choices is a skill. I'm yet to develop it.

Dont regret it but makes me laugh how people think it will get easier after 18, it is very difficult with adult kids