To leave my lovely DP

[Shouldistayorshouldi]

I have posted about my DP before under a different name about how great he is and all responses were agreeing he sounds like the dream man, any brothers etc etc.

But for some reason I’m just not happy. I haven’t been for a long time if I’m honest. On paper he is perfect…loyal as a dog, very good job, conventionally good looking, extremely hands on dad, does washing cooking cleaning, can turn his hand to anything and do it well, very tall, great body etc, family man, very close to his family but in absolutely no way a mummy’s boy or anything like that just really values his family. Does bath and bed every night. You get the picture.

We have been together for 12 years and I would say for the last 5 I just haven’t been happy. It started with his lack of enthusiasm for socialising etc. he’s very very docile and is happy to just coast through life whereas I am very much a do-er and want to always have plans. We didn’t go out on dates he was happy to just sit at home and it was the crux of most our arguments. This went on for some time and in the end I just gave up trying and started doing things with friends and family. No sooner did I stop badgering than he started making an effort but by this point I was over it and just lost interest.

Over time we’ve had fall outs and I’ve tried to break up with him 3 times and kind of been “guilt tripped” (or so it’s felt) into getting back together. I wouldn’t say this was deliberate on his part but it’s just how I’ve felt and couldn’t bear to see him in the state he was in. I’ve sort of resented the fact we’ve got back together.

Our sex life is now none existent. I am not attracted to him at all. I am closeted bi-sexual but feel I would be much happier with someone of the same sex. The thought of having sex with him makes me sick. I have to psych myself up for it (probably once every 8 months or so) and I feel revolting during and after. If he knew this he’d be heartbroken. I go into the bathroom and cry because I can’t stand him touching me. This isn’t his fault it’s just how I feel.

It’s now the case that every little “ick” he does makes me rage. If we argue I think to myself “well just piss off then I don’t want to be with you” which is awful. I never outwardly express this to him, obviously.

I really don’t want to hurt him as I know I am the love of his life but I just can’t go on like this. He says he would rather have me than have a sex life if it came between the two (I tell him we don’t have sex regularly for health reasons). Writing this down I feel like such a horrible person, I realise there’s 5 years worth (probably more) of facts and examples I can give but have left specifics out for obvious reasons although I am happy to answer any questions.

I am planning to leave him this year, I’ve been quietly getting my ducks in a row but I feel I’m betraying him by not telling him where I’m at. I just don’t want to reveal all without me having a place to go as I know I’ll end up feeling guilty again and be right back at square one. I think this needs to be a clean break.

Terrified of traumatising DC also as well as the financial aspect.

Like I said, tons of examples that I could give that have probably got me to this point. The bottom line is I’m not happy; I haven’t been for a long time and I don’t know why. I love him very much but like a family member, not somebody I’m “in love” with.

And even if they fulfil all these expectations and more, we should also take care of our own needs, and if those needs are to end the relationship, that’s absolutely OK.

That's fine if there are no kids involved.

If there are, sometimes their needs come first as long as it's no an abusive relationship.

Exactly. This is something that this place understands just fine when it comes to men and their lives, that when you become a father it is no longer all about you. Neither it is, but the same is true for mothers.

There are some similarities here to my situation. My DH was also 'suicidal' when I broke it off, and is utterly heartbroken.. I told him a month ago and he's low but no longer talking about wanting to end it all. Yes it will be devastating at first but he will have to accept , like my DH has to, that he can't change your feelings. Seeing my DH in so much pain has been incredibly difficult - I have a brief period of doubt every day but I know I am doing the right thing because it wasn't fair to either of us for me to keep pretending that everything was ok. Be clear about your decision, and stick with it. He will have to accept it and move on. Hang in there and don't let yourself be talked back into a relationship you know is wrong for you. It's incredibly sad but things will turn out ok in the end,.and he will be ok. He really will. I'm starting to see glimpses of acceptance from him now and he is able to start talking about what the future might look like apart. There was no way he could have done that four weeks ago. Take care OP and good luck x

OP , you say that you should have left him when he was unfaithful but when you slept with other people on a break , it was 'none of his business' . Double standards . Also , that when you slept with a woman , it 'all made sense' .

Tell him the truth and let the poor man go as he doesn't know much about you .

@RainyDaysSundays
@VanityDiesHard

so are you saying that op should stay with a man who she doesn’t love and who she doesn’t fancy because she is a mother?!

She can still be a dedicated and involved mother when separated. She said they’re likely to have 50/50 custody and co parent amicably.

The fact that he doesn't know about it makes it pretty much cheating IMO

No, she probably just didn't want to hurt his feelings by mentioning it. It's not like she's keeping it from him because she's desparate to be with him.

As PP’s have said, you need to rip the plaster off and end the relationship. I know someone IRL who did this (I didn’t know her back then). He was devastated at the time but has now moved on and they coparent their two older teen children amicably. He’s with a new partner, she plays the field (with women) from what I understand and is v. career-focused.

He wont actually be suicidal, men are so dramatic about these things so I wouldn't let that type of emotional manipulation stop you. You're gay and you got with your partner too young to have worked that out before it was too late and children came into the picture.

I can't see if you answered how old the DC are? In 'normal' circumstances where the male partner is a genuinely nice guy/good dad and the woman wants to leave due to being a bit bored/getting together too young hence FOMO/grass is greener etc. I would recommend to stay put and count your blessings until the children have left school, but this is different. You need to be brave and rip the bandaid off OP. It's dead in the water and there seems to be a lot of damage already caused with infidelities on both sides etc.

Keep things as calm and civil as you can. Have a plan drawn up for finances/child maintenance/custody arrangements and don't let him veer you off track. You'll feel cruel but it's kinder in the long run. Good luck.

OP I'm afraid that your DP may well be heartbroken and devastated when you separate and he might feel that there is no point in going on. It happened to me when my ex-H cheated. I loved him so much that it gave me a physical pain to think of not being with him any more. But you know what he will get over it. Especially as there are children involved. He will eventually realise that he is worth more than that and that there is only one thing worse than someone you love leaving you and that is someone you love pretending to feel the same way when they actually don't. That's not to say it won't be hard at first and that you won't feel bad about it. You obviously loved each other enough to stay together and have children. It would be abnormal if you didn't find it hard to see him in pain. Unfortunately that's just life and what often happens when a relationship ends.

At the end of the day, you clearly don't love him in a romantic way. If I thought that my DP found sex with me revolting I would be absolutely horrified. Clearly the relationship is not working any more and if you genuinely feel that it can't be saved then you need to end it sooner rather than later. For both of your sakes and for the kids.

It's many years since my ex and I separated and when I look back now I find it hard to believe that I loved him so much. I can see his faults now and although at the time I thought I would never get over it I don't have any feelings for him at all now.

She should probably try speaking to him and therapy/counselling before making such a big decisions that impacts her children too. She's literally some nothing, he has no idea what's up.

Once you've actually done something then sure, break up. Or at least told the other person you're not happy, Christ.

For all those shouting "Cheat!!!", please cop on. The romantic relationship was terminated/over at that time, she was free to do as she wished and she doesn't have to confess anything to anyone. For all we know he also had sex with someone during that time.

His cheating was while they were in a committed, closed relationship. There is no equivalence and it's also not a competition. The double standards is men's actual cheating can be forgiven, single female consentual casual sex must be revised into something wrong. Please get a grip.

The guy will be snapped up because by all accounts he is handsome, has matured and is now committed and will have learned life lessons. He ll be snapped up if he wants to be.

The OP might not be snapped up, because female baggage of kids is less attractive, less men are open to accepting being a step parent /or to having to share their love interest's time with her children. Also and more importantly the OP might not be "snapped up", because frankly she has lived in that golden cage already, and she didn't enjoy the feeling of the closed relationship. She is bi, and curious to explore her sexuality, she might not want a closed relationship or give off those vibes. She might be happily single for a long time.... Playing the field. She ll be wary of Jack the lads wanting to prioritise the lads and expecting women to float around in the background until the men are ready to slot the women into their schedules. Given her life experience she won't just blindly ramble into another half arsed relationship.

They might both be happier single and there is nothing wrong with that.

All these people forewarning that she ll realise she has lost something solid,.... Why????, she ll still have a solid Co parent and lifelong friend. There are some very mysoginistic views on this thread.

It's sad...... Societal views are still so anti women.

OP : the only warning I have, is being a single independent woman is hard, being financially Independent is relentless, and people try to take advantage of your perceived vulnerability, they think you ll put up with crap at work etc, because you are desperate for the job because you are single with dependents. If you present as independent and financially robust, you ll be resented for that. It's a difficult tightrope.

He wont actually be suicidal, men are so dramatic about these things
Must be nice to be so confident (and so dismissive of someone's suicidal ideation because they're male) @Premfove

@Shouldistayorshouldi Did you enjoy the sex with the 2 men as well as the woman? In which case you're probably not 100% same sex attracted. On MN people jump to people being solely same sex attracted if they're attracted to people of the same sex at all.

But people who are attracted to both are a thing.

I think you should be honest with him - maybe with a therapist to help you express things clearly and calmly. He would also get his say, of course. It sounds like you are hiding (lying) a lot from him and thats not fair on him.

There is no need to feel obligation. You are not compatible with each other and you, for one, are not happy. If he threatens suicide, that is abuse and manipulation. If he really feels he can't cope, then he needs a therapist. The reality is he could one day be in a much healthier and happier relationship.

If he really feels he can't cope, then he needs a therapist.

If someone is suicidal, they need to see their GP as their first port of call.

You sound awful.I think you should leave and give him the chance to meet somebody else.

You have to tell him that you are a lesbian and that you always have been. He deserves to know. You can then be true to yourself and he will have no choice but to accept and let you go. He deserves to be with someone as lovely as you say he is.

She has not “literally said nothing” she has broken up/separated three times.

Couldn't have put it better 👍

Who moved out when you were 'on a break' before? Did you move out and come back?

Haven’t RFT, but OP, I don’t think you’re bisexual 😂

She has not “literally said nothing” she has broken up/separated three times.

Tip: breaking up is not speaking to someone. Breaking up is not how mature adults express their feelings.

Is he supposed to read her mind that's she's bisexual and repulsed by him? Is he supposed to know that she's planning to wave him despite their being no indication?

@Diamonde

she has literally broken up with him 3 x and gone on breaks. I think he knows she isn’t happy in the relationship - he just doesn’t seem to care.

@Shouldistayorshouldi, like pp I also believe that you are a lesbian, not bisexual. You will probably feel happier when you can admit this to yourself, your DP and your family.