To be selfish and not reveal my past?

[TinaTurner1980]

Name changed for obvious reasons…

Ive been married to DH for 15 years and have 2 DC. He comes from a really lovely family who I now proudly call my own and we really get on. It makes me so proud that I have given my children something I never truly felt growing up - love, safety and stability and I owe that to them.

I didn’t have the best of childhoods, my mum was a single parent and took drugs. She’s clean now but it meant that as a child my house was chaotic and unsafe. Things happened in my childhood that shaped me and by 20 I ended up partying all the time and eventually addicted to drugs myself.

It was a really rough time when I did things I wasn’t proud of but I came through, got clean, went back to uni and built a good career in a sector helping people like me. I met DH who knows all about my past, managed to buy a nice house ( something I never even dreamed I’d be able to do) and had kids.

Anyway, so me and SIL get on REALLY well. She’s a great aunty to my kids and I’ve grown to really care about her. She’s been really unlucky in love so unfortunately hasn’t had any kids but has been talking about this amazing man she’s dating for a couple of months and how she thinks he’s the one etc.

Yesterday she brought him to our NY party to meet us and when I saw him I had to run and hide in the bathroom. I knew him quite well when I was younger, he was a dealer and someone everyone was quite scared of on my estate growing up. He either didn’t recognise me or pretended not to and it has been over 20 years…

Now I don’t really know what to do and haven’t slept all night…DH knows about my past but not every detail and my in-laws don’t know any of it. They’re not from a background like mine, I doubt they’ll understand and this man knows things about me that might make them hate me.
So…

YABU - to not tell her. She deserves to know even though he might tell her and the rest of your in-laws all about your past. Even if you lose everything it’s not fair on her to keep it a secret.

YANBU - He might have changed like you, it was 20 years ago, she’s an adult and it’s not worth the risk.

Tough one but I probably wouldn't be able to keep it to myself. Your DH knows about your past and that's the main thing it's really none of in laws business about things you did and doubt he will remember any intricate details to expose you anyway

Can you confide in your DH? He may have a better idea of how to approach it.

There is no way you are going to lose everything, you were a child no one is going to hold that against you.

I would tell your DH for him to tell his sister. She needs to be warned for her own safety, you wouldn’t forgive yourself if she came to harm, you also don’t want her new partner around your kids and your family in the future. This isn’t something you are going to get over and nor should you. You need to stay away from this man-let your DH know why.

What’s your real concern here - that the man might hurt your SIL, or that you might end up having to share more of your past than you are comfortable with? That would impact whether I think you should say anything. If the latter I would be inclined to keep quiet - maybe let DH know that you know him but no more than that.

You took drugs and got addicted to them (and then got clean)...whereas he was a dealer who local people were afraid of. They're not the same at all. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. He, on the other hand, should be locked up. Of course you should tell her, imo. I don't think many women would happily date a drug dealer, even a former drug dealer. She deserves to know.

You talk to your DH about it.

Yeah she needs to know, through DH if you find it easier not to tell her yourself. If you don't, this man will recognise you at some point and use the fact that you've hidden your past against you (eg blackmail you, persuade you to do stuff you're not comfortable with etc).

If even local people knew about him then you could tell her what you know without revealing your past. It sounds like non drug users knew about him too, so there's no need to explain your involvement

If you have serious concerns that this man is not a Safe person then you need to tell your DH so he can decide if his sister needs warning. If you care about her then her wellbeing is important.
It’s perfectly possible he has managed to trim his life around as you have so I would perhaps give him a chance.

Was he a drug dealer and you a drug abuser and that's the extent of it.
Or did he abuse you?
If he abused you then that should be disclosed I think. But if he dealt drugs, he may not anymore. So I would tell your husband and see his opinion. Its not hard to say I recognised sil new bf he was a drug dealer years ago, I wonder if he still is.

She needs to know, but she also needs to know that that man will never come to your house again, or ever meet your children.

Speak to your DH about it, you can’t not tell him, it could destroy your marriage one day if he found out. And he might because even if this guy doesn’t recognise you, one day you will he chatting and he will work it out. Speak to your DH and decide the way forward together.

What has he got on you?

You have to consider this may not be the coincidental meeting you think it is too.

Taking drugs when younger is not something I would worry about.

However, did you do more than just take drugs? Sex work? Sex favours for drugs? Stealing? Dealing? Does your husband know everything about your past?

Don’t rush into anything but consider his motives maybe more sinister than just dating your SIL.

Did the dealer from the past seem like he had changed?

This. They dont need to know every detail.

Speaking to DH is the first step. Then you can discuss between you what the options and best course of action are.

You need to say something but be prepared she may not react well and he could either lie or go on the attack if he knows who you are.

You and your husband could take the approach that you know of him and his reputation but I think that's too vague really.

Personally, I would speak to her one to one. Tell her a little of your past and how you know him but ask her to keep it to herself. If you've got a good relationship then surely she will.

If they're the sort of people to cut you off if they know you have a past then they're not great are they?

I would definitely speak to my husband about that and ask him to speak to his sister. I'm sure he won't want his sister to go out with somebody awful.

Goodness. You could tell all and it could result in her leaving him or it could result in her defending him, which would likely also involve the end of your relationship with her.

Or

If you say nothing the relationship might last or fizzle out.

For now, I would probably watch and wait. However, I think you should tell your husband that he was a drug dealer on your estate when you were young, that people were frightened of him and that you worry about whether or not he is a reformed person or still dodgy and capable of hurting your sister-in-law. You don’t have to tell him or anyone else all the details, but sharing your fear with your husband would help him support you.

And I think that guy has realised that your sister-in-law is vulnerable, and that he will manipulate her.

Also, maybe snoop a bit online. Is he using his real name? Was he ever convicted? There might be information in the public domain that you can use instead.

She might already know.

Thanks for all the replies ❤️

I think everyone’s right and I’ll have to talk to DH.

The man never did anything to me personally except dealing to me I just remember that he was intimidating and known to fight. He was friends with an ex of mine and neither of them were particularly nice people.

But maybe he has changed. His family were well known on my estate and I imagine he didn’t have the best childhood either. Hopefully DH can get SIL to say she found out from someone else…

The backgrounds that led them there could have been very similar. I doubt that the OP and her Mother had stable jobs to pay for their drugs. Many of the lads on these estates don't stand a chance.

OP, you've changed, so could he have done. Talk to your DH about it. This relationship might not last the distance and if it does, he isn't going to want the past revealed if your in-laws aren't going to be understanding.

@determinedtomakethiswork I agree if it wasn’t a real life person on Mumsnet telling this story I would imagine it as a thriller plot.

In one way the ex dealer has all the power if OP is unwilling to share her past due to fear of being judged and maybe he knows this.

Maybe he targeted SIL to get at OP?

It’s a scary situation for everyone in the dark but I understand OP’s reluctance to share all too.

You have to tell her. I’m not sure why you think you’ll lose everything?