To be selfish and not reveal my past?

[TinaTurner1980]

Name changed for obvious reasons…

Ive been married to DH for 15 years and have 2 DC. He comes from a really lovely family who I now proudly call my own and we really get on. It makes me so proud that I have given my children something I never truly felt growing up - love, safety and stability and I owe that to them.

I didn’t have the best of childhoods, my mum was a single parent and took drugs. She’s clean now but it meant that as a child my house was chaotic and unsafe. Things happened in my childhood that shaped me and by 20 I ended up partying all the time and eventually addicted to drugs myself.

It was a really rough time when I did things I wasn’t proud of but I came through, got clean, went back to uni and built a good career in a sector helping people like me. I met DH who knows all about my past, managed to buy a nice house ( something I never even dreamed I’d be able to do) and had kids.

Anyway, so me and SIL get on REALLY well. She’s a great aunty to my kids and I’ve grown to really care about her. She’s been really unlucky in love so unfortunately hasn’t had any kids but has been talking about this amazing man she’s dating for a couple of months and how she thinks he’s the one etc.

Yesterday she brought him to our NY party to meet us and when I saw him I had to run and hide in the bathroom. I knew him quite well when I was younger, he was a dealer and someone everyone was quite scared of on my estate growing up. He either didn’t recognise me or pretended not to and it has been over 20 years…

Now I don’t really know what to do and haven’t slept all night…DH knows about my past but not every detail and my in-laws don’t know any of it. They’re not from a background like mine, I doubt they’ll understand and this man knows things about me that might make them hate me.
So…

YABU - to not tell her. She deserves to know even though he might tell her and the rest of your in-laws all about your past. Even if you lose everything it’s not fair on her to keep it a secret.

YANBU - He might have changed like you, it was 20 years ago, she’s an adult and it’s not worth the risk.

@pickledandpuzzled
Maybe this guy will want to protect OPs DH from a thieving druggie?
Where does it stop? Maybe OP needs to get off her high horse.

Presumably OP knows more specifics about why “everyone was quite scared” of him. If it was simply because of his biting wit and stern tone then of course she may decide he is low risk.

Or indeed if it was helpful to have a "quite scary" reputation so that heroin addicts like OP didn't do you over to steal your gear. As you say, OP will take a view.

I don't think being a drug dealer makes you a inherently bad person. This may have changed their life. I think you should discuss with your husband.

You could speak to DH, explain your concerns (you had a hard upbringing and took drugs as a youngster, nothing to be ashamed of) and both approach this by asking DSIL about her new partner 'so tell us more about Steve!'. If not forthcoming, you could say 'he looks familiar from X, was he born there?'.

She might say that he's an interesting guy, bit of a rough ride in his early life but has turned himself around and is doing well in recruitment these days. I would feel this out by asking questions first.

And it’s fine for him to warn SiL, who will say she’s known OP for years but will check with her brother. No issue because he already knows.

and yes apologies, @zigzag716746zigzag You were quoted confusingly by Kwam.

I think if you jump in with a concerned intervention she will defend him regardless. Get her to open up first. He might have changed an enormous amount from the local hard man you once knew. He might not but take this steadily.

If he were to reveal your past to your ILs he would have to reveal his own, which sounds a lot worse.

There's a chance he's worrying about you saying something.

You've turned your life around maybe he has too.

I would say nothing.

Ah I didn't read it properly. Sorry. You're not obliged to reveal anything at all. Please feel totally free not to. Your sister in law is an adult. You can speak to her about her new boyfriend if you wish as I mentioned without bringing up your past xx

20 years ago was a long time ago. He might not even remember you anyway - in your position I would put some feelers out before saying anything you can't un-say - find out from your SiL about his job/background etc. I know people who dealt drugs on a small scale in their late teens/early twenties who are completely on the straight and narrow now.

Find out more about who he is now before doing anything. You don't want to be judged on your past, and neither will he if he has worked hard to leave it behind.