To be selfish and not reveal my past?

[TinaTurner1980]

Name changed for obvious reasons…

Ive been married to DH for 15 years and have 2 DC. He comes from a really lovely family who I now proudly call my own and we really get on. It makes me so proud that I have given my children something I never truly felt growing up - love, safety and stability and I owe that to them.

I didn’t have the best of childhoods, my mum was a single parent and took drugs. She’s clean now but it meant that as a child my house was chaotic and unsafe. Things happened in my childhood that shaped me and by 20 I ended up partying all the time and eventually addicted to drugs myself.

It was a really rough time when I did things I wasn’t proud of but I came through, got clean, went back to uni and built a good career in a sector helping people like me. I met DH who knows all about my past, managed to buy a nice house ( something I never even dreamed I’d be able to do) and had kids.

Anyway, so me and SIL get on REALLY well. She’s a great aunty to my kids and I’ve grown to really care about her. She’s been really unlucky in love so unfortunately hasn’t had any kids but has been talking about this amazing man she’s dating for a couple of months and how she thinks he’s the one etc.

Yesterday she brought him to our NY party to meet us and when I saw him I had to run and hide in the bathroom. I knew him quite well when I was younger, he was a dealer and someone everyone was quite scared of on my estate growing up. He either didn’t recognise me or pretended not to and it has been over 20 years…

Now I don’t really know what to do and haven’t slept all night…DH knows about my past but not every detail and my in-laws don’t know any of it. They’re not from a background like mine, I doubt they’ll understand and this man knows things about me that might make them hate me.
So…

YABU - to not tell her. She deserves to know even though he might tell her and the rest of your in-laws all about your past. Even if you lose everything it’s not fair on her to keep it a secret.

YANBU - He might have changed like you, it was 20 years ago, she’s an adult and it’s not worth the risk.

I don’t think you should say anything . It’s not your right to gossip about his past .
How would you feel if he did that about you ?

it’s not your relationship so you should keep out of it . You risk alienating your sister in law if she sees you as interfering in her relationship.

Everyone has a past and everyone has the capability to change . It’s not up to you to decide who should know what about his past .

I don’t think you should say anything . It’s not your right to gossip about his past .
How would you feel if he did that about you

This.

I would just mention to DH, so he knows and is prepared to deal with the situation if his sister comes to tell him that her boyfriend used to deal drugs to you.

Ok the advice you said was a good idea is an awful idea, you would be lying and he can just say actually since she’s brought it up this is how it really was and list all the things that you did do?

No judgment at all from me but did you do sexual things for him to get drugs? Or prostitution to pay for drugs too because something in one of your posts made me think there’s more to just the taking drugs element, especially as your husband knows about your drug history.

I know it’s embarrassing and you don’t want to deal with it or your children to find out and I think that if you’re honest that is your main concern? I think honestly I would leave it unless it comes up and you’ve built a life with your husband he won’t leave you over things from 20 years ago.

I do find it interesting that 2 children from a well to do family have gotten into relationships with people that are from totally different ways of life but maybe their pasts aren’t all so Rosie as you think? It’s not always poor people that end up on very hard drugs.

There’s nothing to say this relationship is going to last. If she’s thinking of marrying him and having kids with him she may want to know, otherwise stay well out of it.

Perhaps suggest she does a Claires (or is it sarahs) law request. Given you work in the area I would say you recognise the names but aren't sure if it's the same person.

Either way if he has history this safeguards your sil

@TinaTurner1980

It's a hard one. But just as you wish to conceal your past from DH's family & your children because you aren't that person now, maybe it's the same with him.

Did you share your past with your DH right away or did you keep your secrets until you knew him better? If so, shouldn't this man be given the same opportunity?

I agree with talking to your DH. But I think I'd be tempted to take a 'watch and wait' position for a bit. Maybe DH or you could 'sound out' your SiL about what she may know about him or what he's said about his past. 'Innocent' questions about a new bf aren't unusual so it shouldn't raise any suspicions.

Another vote for sharing with your DH and seeing if can collectively find the best approach- after all it’s his sister involved?

It's double standards if you're terrified of your past coming out but everyone's saying tell SIL about this guys past. So protect your secrets but blow his life up?
You've turned your life around in the twenty years so likely he's done the same.
I'd keep your mouth shut, leave the past behind.

If OP tells SIL, SIL will probably ask her partner about it and tell him how she knows. At which point he will tell SIL what he knows about OP.

Tell your husband the truth- don’t make up some ridiculous story about a dodgy ex.

Also, your past has helped shape who you are now. It’s concerning that you are giving it so much power.
You may want to consider telling your extended family, and ultimately letting go of the shame. You have so much to be proud of. You’ve single handedly turned your life around and are now thriving. That requires some real strength and determination- I’m not sure I could be so strong. You have every reason to hold your head up.
How free would you feel if you didn’t have to worry about people finding out?

Also @magnitude100 - clearly has never heard of white collar crime?

How nice that it's assumed only the woman in this situation was able to have changed and escaped a hideous childhood and the path that led her down.

The man must have ulterior motives

If you checked out his Linkedin he will know this..but I’m sure you knew this. only if she logged into her own linkedin, and only if he’s paid for a pro membership or whatever you call it will he be able to see who has checked out his profile.

If OP wasn’t logged into linkedin all he will know is that some has seen his profile.

There is a vast difference between a drug addict and a drug dealer. Without people like this man people like the OP wouldn’t have ended up in the situation she did.

TBH I would be reticent to get involved with a drug addict as well, but because addiction is fraught with potential issues, and being in a relationship with an addict can go so horribly wrong so easily.

But the reason I wouldn’t get involved with a drug dealer is because drug dealers are usually violent, involved in far more than just dealing a few drugs on the side, they’re just not nice people, and if this one had a reputation then that’s something you can’t come back from. Certainly not in terms of e.g. being given responsibility for looking after someone’s children etc. Having been a drug dealer he wouldn’t likely pass a DBS check, whereas an addict would, because addicts are often a product of their environment or their influences.

Perhaps suggest she does a Claires (or is it sarahs) law request. Given you work in the area I would say you recognise the names but aren't sure if it's the same person.

Cripes, if someone suggested this to me, I'd be thinking the guy was a paedo or something well dodgier than a drug dealer. Despite what some PPs have said - and I'm not saying drug dealing isn't bad, obviously it is - but not all of them are violent hardcore criminals like in the movies. The sheer number of them shows there's a whole spectrum out there, and a bunch of people do it at a young age because that's the world they grow up in and they don't go on to make a career of it. Chances are that's what's happened with this guy as he has a legit job now and isn't seemingly in organised crime or the like. Also agree that any suggestions from OP at that point will more likely lead to him saying 'Did Tina tell you that because she used to be a smack addict?' which is precisely what OP doesn't want to happen. Better for OP to talk to DH, keep an eye on it, deal with her own issues, and only speak up if there's really a need, and if she's prepared to deal with any repercussions.

I wouldn’t say anything. It was 20 years ago, you have made the decision not to tell anyone ( except your dh) about your past and I think that he should have that same option tbh. Nobody is who they were 20 years ago. Many people have things they want to leave firmly in the past and they should be able too.

All those saying “poor guy, it’s just the same as OP, clearly he’s changed his life around too, don’t have double standards etc” …. are you missing this bit from OP’s post? he was a dealer and someone everyone was quite scared of on my estate growing up

How did she meet him? Has she said if he's got a job now?

Seen he works for a recruitment company. As others have said, just be upfront with dh.

@zigzag716746zigzag
OP was no angel either, heroin habits don't easily fund themselves, she's claimed her ex stole, I doubt she was innocent either.
It's hypocritical to want to protect her past, but gossip about him, if she tells tales hers won't be long in coming out.
People change, is everyone to be judged on their past?

I think very violent men should be judged by their past if they are potentially still a risk to women and children. Yes.

@Dotcheck the dodgy ex isn’t made up. It’s true. Her dodgy ex had an even dodgier friend.

and @zigzag716746zigzag OP has been honest about drug use and theft. She isn’t gossiping about him, she’s trying to protect her SiL from someone who was a dodgy scary drug dealer 20 years ago. He may be straight now- but he may just be better at covering.

No doubt we agree on this but differ on whether what OP has said means that he's a very violent man who is potentially still a risk to women and children.

She hasn't even said he was very violent or a risk to women and children back then and doesn't have any idea about him since, you're extrapolating in your own way while others know more reformed characters or people who had scary reps but weren't violent in the way you're talking about. There's a whole spectrum between your version and the best case scenario and the truth is likely somewhere in the middle, so best to not jump to conclusions just yet.

We will have to agree to disagree because I think it would be safer for OP to er on the side of caution where it comes to her SIL and her kid’s safety. Presumably OP knows more specifics about why “everyone was quite scared” of him. If it was simply because of his biting wit and stern tone then of course she may decide he is low risk.

@pickledandpuzzled I assume you are confusing me with another poster?